FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1916, 30 October 1890, Page 38

FUN AND FANCY.

— Tramp : " Say, mum, you're dog bit me." Lady: " WVII, never mind, I'll wash his mouth.' — Mrs Staggers : " Scientists say the earth is drying up." Staggers (crossly): " Yes. You follow her example, will you 1 " — The poete&s who wrote the exquisite verses entitled, "Are All The Chi'dren In ? " is the same woman whose youngest boy hid in a hay mow and lived four days on turnips rather than take the chances of showing up at home with the seat, of his new pants torn off through falling out of an apple tree. You can't always tell about these poetry people. — A gentleman at a recent fancy bazaar felt alarmed at the reply, " One guinea," to the question, " What is the price of that bouquet, my lady ? " He was economic or sarcastic, and said, " I'll buy half of it if you will make half a guinea's worth." " Very good," was the cool answer, and my lady cut off the stems and presented them to him. He was not a bad fellow, for he took the stalks and paid the money. — Edith : " Have you heard Miss Sonata play?" "Oh, yes." "And how did you like it ? " " Not at all." " Not at all ? " "No ; she plays in the vvorst possiole taste, The other afternoon Fred and I were just in the bay window, and just as I had accepted him and he was stealing a kiss, the horrid girl pat down the soft pedal, and of course everybody heard it. I call her a horrid player." — Professor : " I again call your attention to the too common use of trite expressions. Mr Quills, can you not find a fit substitute for the well-worn phrase, 'He died a natural death V" Mr Quills (about to graduate as managing city editorial oorrespondent-in-chief): " Well, sir, I suggest, •He died without medical aid.' How would that do?" Professor : "It is excellent, Mr Quils." — Mr Flutterly (who has been getting rather cool towards his adored Clementina) : " Ah, Johnny, come here and see me. Why, what a nice suit Johnny has on!" "Ah, you'll have a nicerer, sis says." "Why, how's that, Johnny 1 " " Why — why, I heard sis tell ma that you'd only got to go on as you are to get into one of the nicest little breach of promise suits you've ever seen." — A. song with the title " There's a sigh in the heart" was sent by a young man to his sweetheart, but the paper fell into the hands of the girl's father, a very unsentimental physician, who exclaimed : " What wretched unscientific rubbish is this ? Who ever heard of such a case ? " He wrote on the , outside : " Mistaken diagnosis ; no sigh in the hoart possible. Sighs relate almost entirely to the lungs and diaphragm." —A Retrospect. — " How dear to my heart is the school I attended, and how I remember, so distant and dim, that red headed Bill and the pin that I bended and put on the bench under him. And how I recall the surprise of the master when Bill gave a yell and sprang up from the pin, so high that his bullet-head smashed up the plaster above, and the scholars all set up a din. That active boy Billy, that high-leaping Billy, that loud-shouting Billy, that sat on a pin." WIT (VND WISDOM. — A rolling stone gathers strength. — It is better to be right than be caught. — Welcome is better than pie for dinner. — Love your enemies, but carry a club with you just the same. — If you are a good man, what are- you good for? — When a woman begins to get; as sweet as sugar look out for sand. A GREAT TRUTH. The more of lawyera there are In a suit, The longor It'a'bound ro last ; The more physloinna there are in a ease, The sooner It's over and pnet. — Only a great musician can make good music with one string 10 his fiddle. — It requires pious gall to play all day with the devil and at night a*k God to save you. —The corner stone, of philosophy — if you can't have what you want, don't want it.

x