FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1903, 24 July 1890, Page 42

FUN AND FANCY.

— Bars at sea, like bars ashore, are held to be responsible for many wrecks. If there is no clergyman aboard ship for a marriage, any sailor can do the splicing. —It may be that the squalls at sea really do come from the cradle of the deep. —When the sailor at night cries, "All's well," the indisposed passengers are excepted. —An old Yorkshireman used to say, " I'm open to conviction, but I'd like to see the man that can convince me." — When Alexander was asked how he had conquered the world, he replied, " ByJ not delaying." , —Millionaire: "Oh, for a good digestion I" Starving Beggar : "Oh, for something to digest 1 " —Suspicious people torture themselves while those they are afraid o£ are calmly sleeping. —Always tell an old friend that he is looking younger every day. " He knows you are lying ; but he will enjoy it. — The name given to a baby was Lynn O. Doyle, and wonderful to relate, no one seemed to think of the strange sound it made when pronounced, —Father : " Now, Flo, give the hippopotamus a biscuit." Flo (doubtfully) : "Do you think he could eat a whole one, papa ? " —Harold (reading aloud report of cricket match) : " Stumps were drawn at 7 p.m." Grandmamma : " That's rather late for a dentist to keep open, isn't it ? " — A military man, in a moment of cerebral exaltation, cried : " General Moore, let me introduce you to a f ritnd of mine ! General Moore— Captain Cox; General Cox—Captain Moore I " — Dr Wherwell, walking in Hamilton's garden at Cobham, expressed his surprise at the prodigious growth of the trees. "My dear sir," replied Mr Hamilton, "remember they have nothing else to do." His purse was low, his honour scant ; He did all sorts of things he shouldn't ; He was in truth a mendicant, And what is more, amend he wouldn't. —Lively Miss Fuchsia Minks (to her somewhat lethargic mamma) : "It is really a pity, ma, that I didn't have an opportunity of meeting you earlier in life. I could have improved you so much I " — "What do you mean, sir, by swearing before my wife? You must apologise I" "Pardon, monsieur! Pardon! Ido make ze apology. I did not know ze lady wish to swear ze first." — Mattie : " Dot, what is a zebra?" Dot (who has been looking into natural history for the last hour): "A zebwa? Why, Mattie, it's nothing but a funny little horse that wears stwiped stockings all over— clear up to his ears." Agitated Young Bridegroom (immediately after the ceremony): "Serena, shall— shall I— shall we— shall we kiss ? " Self-possessed Bride (her third experience) : "It is my usual custom, William." — Teacher : " Now, Ashton, if one cat cost me a shilling, what will 12 cats cost me ? " Ashton: "You don't need to buy 12 cats. Buy one, and you'll have 11 kittens before you know it." —Rev. Dr Primrose: "Are you not ashamed to be in a class with boys so muoh smaller than yourself?" Little Johnnie: "Not much, I ain't. I can lick every mother's son of them." —Guest (to hotelkeeper, who is filling bottles from a barrel) : " What land of wine is that, Mr Rheinberger?" Hotelkeeper: " Veil, dot depends upon vat labels I vill put on dose bottles, ain'd it ? " —Football Player (feebly): "Did we win ? " Sympathising Comrade : "We did, old fellow." Football Player (excitedly) : " Never mind that dislocated thigh, doctor. Take these broken teeth out of my mouth so that I can holler ! " —Fashionable Doctor (out for a day's shooting) : " Never saw such luck ! What's .the matter with the birds ? I can't kill one of them." Noble Host: "Try 'em with a prescription, doctor." —A Warning to Baby.— Mother (to baby) : "It's muzzer's little ootsy-tootsy ; muzzer loves her little darling" baby." Fanny (who has just been spanked; : " Don't you believe her, baby. When you (sob) grow up she'll spank you, t-t-oo I " Daughter : " Papa, George has asked me to marry him and I have said yes." Papa : "And I would have said no." Daughter (respectfully): "That's what you should have said, papa, if a young man asked you to marry him." —Physician (shaking his hea/i): "My friend, I can do nothing more for you." Patient (alarmed) : " Why, what is the matter, doctor ? " Physician (gloomily) : " You don't need any more medicine. You have quite recovered." —Balancing Matters.— " Can you forgive me and love me still ? " said the newly -made bride, " when I confess that my teeth are — artificial ? " " Thank heaven ! " cried the groom as he snatched off his wig ; " now I can cool my head 1 " — The Duke of Argyll likes to see his cottars' houses covered with thatched roofs, which are both cheap and picturesque. One of his tenants lately wanted the old thatch replaced with slates, whereupon the good Duke grew eloquent over the advantage of straw, declaring that nothing was warmer, more comfortable, or better adapted to the climate than thatch. " That may be sac," responded the tenant, " bit gin it is, whit wey dae ye not thack the castle ? "

Adviob to Mothers!— Aro you broken in your rest by a sick child suffering \« Ith the pa'nof cutting teeth? G-'i at onco to a chemist and get a bottle of Mia Winblow's Soothing Syrup. It -will relieve the poor sufferer immediately. It is perfectly harmless and pleasant to the taste ; it produces natural quiet sleep, by relieving the child from pain ; and the little cherub awakes " as bright as a button." It srothes the child, it softens the gums, allays all pain, relieves wind, regulates the bowels, and is the best known remedy for dysentery and. dlarrhcea, whether arising from teething or other causes. Mm Wwsiow'i Soothing Sybup it told by medloine* dealers everywhere at U 4jd per bottle,-[Ai>v».]