SURPRISES AND COMICALITIES OF CRIME.

Otago Witness, Issue 1903, 24 July 1890, Page 35

SURPRISES AND COMICALITIES OF CRIME.

Sometimes it is the criminal — swindler, burglar, or common thief — who is surprised ; sometimes the victim. Extreme must have been the astonishment of the " bag-snatcher " who, having dogged the footsteps of a decrepit old man until an opportunity was afforded to " snatch " the bag he carried, found, on opening his prize, the head of a corpse, which the old fellow, a hospital porter, was taking to an anatomical institute I The thief's hair must have stood on end. with the intensity of his surprise, not to say horror.

Now and again the surprise te mutual. Here is an amusing case in point : The other day a bailiff, accompanied by a police inspector, went to seize 1 the goods of a French lady who had failed in business. To their intense astonishment they found, on entering the house, the body of the unfortunate bankrupt extended on a bed, surrounded by six tall candlestioks, holding lighted tapers. The bailiff, awed by the presence of the dead, withdrew at once. Not so the wary police officer, who, to make sure, pinched the arms of the corpse with considerable vehemence. A powerful galvanic battery could not more quickly have brought the dead to life. The supposed corpse, surprised and pained beyond endurance, shrieked loudly, and confessed that she had shammed •• dead" to ;defe*t the law. Theie was yet more surprise when the offioer summoned his companion. ▲ certain M. Albert, a Parisian swindler, being desirous of extending his business — a long firm— took in three oafi friends as partners. These gentlemen having disposed of a consignment of silk, obtained by M. Albert from a merchant, the following conversation took place :— " You hare disposed of your portion of the silk? " eaid the head of the elongated firm addressing partner No. I.— "Yes, mm am." "And you of your portion?" turning to No. 2.—" Yes, mon ami." « And you ? " to No. 3.—" Certainly." . " Very good. We will now divide the proceeds."

The three junior partners forthwith produced three banker's drafts.

11 Idiots 1 " cried the angry chief. " You should never take paper; it can be traced." " True, mon ami," rejoined No. 1, " but what was to be done 2 M. Goron would not pay cash."

11 Who ? What f Goron ? the chief of the detective polioe 1 " — " The same, mon ami." " Saer-r-r-i t You are ? " 11 Three members of the secret police, monsieur, and you are our prisoner." The astonishment has not always been with the astute M. Goron's quarry. " The prisoner," said that clever detective during the examination of a burglar named Jeannolle, " is a first-class gymnast and an adept in the art of sleight-of-hand. I examined him in the presence of three detectives. On the table before me lay several purses of money found in his rooms. After the examination I missed two of the purses, To my intense surprise they were found on the prisoner. He had actually stolen them for the second time while under examination, concealing them in the presence of myself and three of my smartest men. Jeannolle is a criminal genius, monsieur." M. Goron is, however, an adept at preparing surprises for the swindlers of Lutetia. Marillier, arr ex-Oommunist, until recently imagined he had solved the problem of how to secure a regular income without work. His simple plan was to advertise that he was in a position to obtain Government situations for deserving clients. Having found a dupe, he would take him to the Chamber of Deputies, and in his presence, but not within his hearing, button-hole a deputy and converse with him on some trivial matter or other.

" It's all right," he would say, afterwards, " that was M. So-and so. He will use bis influence on your behalf. I have invited him to dine with me. Of course you will pay the cost of the repast ? " The dupe, having paid £3 or £4 for the dinner in advance, would hear no more of the matter.

One day the ex-Oommunfst was visited by a more than ordinarily stupid client, from whom he expected a rich haul. When asked for the price of the Deputy's dinner, the dupe proffered twice the sum. "For my own dinner," he explained, "I would like to be present,"— " That would spoil all," protested Marillier, " M. le Deputy would not talk. You do not understand, but these little affairs require secrecy."— "Yes, but could I not act as waiter ? " urged the dupe.—" Impossible 1 "— " Then lam afraid the dinner will have to be postponed. You see, monsieur, M. Goron strictly enjoined me to dine with you and M. le Depnty, or to " w Monsieur I "

" Arrest you." An honest French gentleman Is even now wflertog from the effects ot a carefully

planned and well executed '• burglar's surprise " that he ie not likely to forget. Awakened from peaceful slumber by the loud pealing of the bell, he rushed to the door, to be horrified by the sight of the body of a man suspended from the bell handle. Terrified beyond measure, he hurried away to alarm the neighbours, a difficult task in the middle of the night. Returning after a rather prolonged absence, he found the supposed eccentric suicide missing, also all his portable valuables. A somewhat similar trick was lately played upon a maiden lady living alone, who was awakened in the middle of the night by loud cries of " fire ! " Hurrying to the door, she was met by two men, who cried, " Don't you know the house is on fire T Save whatever you think is most valuable, and be quick. You have no time to lose." The terrified and bewildered lady seised the most precious of her belongings, which she handed to the men to carry to a place of safety. Her surprise may be imagined when she discovered that the house was not on fire, and that her households gods had vanished.

"Your ticket, please 1 Come, don't keep me waiting all day," cried an impatient ticket collector to a railway passengor who was fumbling in his pockets, and looking exceedingly fooliah. " Why don't you give the man your ticket, you stupid fellow 1 " exclaimed an equally impatient passenger, adding, " You have got it in your mouth," The collector wrathf ully snatched the bit of pasteboard from between the flustered passenger's teeth, and hurried away. Then the "stupid fellow" turned to the laughing witnesses of his confusion, and smiling the smile of Ah Sin, said ;— " Sorry to delay you, gentlemen, but the ticket was an old one, and I was getting rid of the date." There is something exceedingly comical in, the idea of a deceased doctor being called, in to prescribe for mortal ailments. Such was, the trick played upon an American lady .residing in France by i brace of swindling spiritualists, who sent in such long bills for the spiritual advice and visits that, the patient was well nigh ruined. The dead doctor having tailed to effect a cure, the matter was investigated by a judge, who sent the spiritualists to a place where medical aid is much cheaper than was that of the ' defunct practitioner— to wit, free, gratis, and for nothing. A canvasser for an insurance company, dissatisfied with the amount of business done during his rambleß, recently hit upon a plan' to obtain commission, which resulted in a surprising 8 uccess at the very first attempt, and at the same time intensely astonished his victim. A merchant desirous of increasing his business, advertised for a partener. with £800 Q ., To him went the , oanvasser, who informed him that the investment, was just what he , wanted, but the security was not quite satisfactory. Would the merchant insure his life for £8000 and hand over the policy as additional security ? The merchant would, and did, paying £L4O down. Thereupon the insurance agent drew a commission of £HO, and promptly bolted. A tired cabman awaking from a '.hap on the box of his vehicle was '«ur-' prised to find the shafts empty and resting on the ground. Rubbing his eyes to sharpen his vision, he beheld his, horse trotting, briskly away in the, charge, of r an enterprising individual, who, mounted on its back, was trying his best to make the] overdriven beast gallop. The horsethief pleaded a practical joke, and was very much astonished when an unappreciative magistrate sentenced him to " three months' ,hard." ', Although no crime, juror absenteeism is occasionally punished as severely. At the last Dublin City Sessions a would-be absentee contrived to both astonish and amuse the court, and at the same time surprise himself considerably. He handed to the recorder a sealed remarking that it was' a doctor's certificate to the effect that he was unfit to serve. The recorder read the letter aloud, as f ollows :— " This man has be,en asking for a certificate that he is unable to ierve as a juior. I don't know whether he is a knave or a fool, but he has very little brains, and reeks of porter."