FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1901, 10 July 1890, Page 42

FUN AND FANCY.

—Don't hit a man when he is down, he may get up. — When a man knows that he cannot get out of the mud, his next impulse is to go in deeper. — A man calling to see a friend, the servant girl Baid he was out. He said, " I will step in and sit by the fire." The girl replied, " The fire is out too." The^ian concluded not to stop. —When the fair poetessjwrote the following lines : A breath of what the summer brings I caught to-dc.7, she was jprobably sitting' near the windowas the dust-cart went by. — A gentleman who had been unhappy in marriage, took a second wife shortly after the death of the first. Dr Johnson said of his conduct, " Ifc was the triumph of hope over experience." — " Cease your flatteries, sir I " said fair Agnes to the captain ; " cease your flatteries, sir, or I'll stop up my ears." The officer's gallantry is inexhaustible. "Stop up your ears ? Those dainty hands are far too small for that 1 "

— The annual report of the Society for the Preservation of the Irish Language shows that Irish is now taught in 45 schools, which 44 passed " 612 pupils, as compared with 443 in 1888, and 371 in 1889,

— l 4Do you see any difference in neighbour Pearce since he joined the church ? " — 4l Yes ; formerly when he went to work in his garden on Sunday he carried his tools over his shoulder, now he carries them under his overcoat."

— " Oh, no, their ain't any favourites in this family I "soliloquised Johnny ; " oh, no ! I gueaa there ain't. If I bite my finger nails I catch it over the knuckles. But the baby can eat his whole foot and they think it's just cunning 1" —A Trick of the Trade.— A : " Why, man, all your shop girls are squint-eyed I Can't you manage to obtain a prettier set ?" B: 44 1 have got these as a protection against shop-lifters. The scamps will never know where the girls are looking."

—Old Gentleman : " I shall report you, young man. Why didn't you stop your car before? Here I have been running after you more than a hundred yards." Conductor : 44 All right, guvnor. I'm sorry, but I ain't like a pertater, with eyes all over."

— A funny story is going the rounds of a young lady who found a horseshoe, and, wishing for good luck, placed it under the pillow In company with her false teeth. In the morning, in the hurry of dressing, she substituted the shoe for the teeth, and wore it for some time before the mistake wae discovered.

— Bertie Brilliant (driving home from the club, after having taken rather more champagne than he ought) : " I say, how much pleasanter it is to ride in a cab and think how much pleasanter it is to ride in a cab than to walk, than it is to walk and think how much pleasanter it is to ride in a cab than it is to walk."

— She Sympathised. — Young Steadfast : 14 Had a weal adventure the other day, Miss Sharpleigh. Went fishing, and a gweat bwute of a farm dog made me stay with him thwee hours." Miss Sfearpleigh : '» Poor old doggie ! "

— Briggs : "So Mudge is getting better? " Braggs : " Yes, he will soon be all right now. But talking about sells — you know we had nearly £20 raised to put up a nice monument for him, as no one thought he could recover. And now he comes round and wants to borrow it to help pay his doctor's bill. What do you think of that ? "

— Patience Rewarded. — Young Bride (pouting) : 4I Here, we have been married only two days, Clarence, and you're scolding me already I" Husband: 44 1 know, my dear; but just think how long I've been waiting for the chance ! "

— 44 Was your patent ship protector — the one to keep off torpedo boats— a success 1 " " Very successful — made a pile of money out of it." " What are you at work on now ? " 44 A torpedo boat that'll blow the protector all to pieces." — Must Make a Difference.— Harry : " And, dearest, do you think of me all the day long 1 " Dearest: "I did, Harry; but the days are getting long now, and, of course — well, you know, dear, that that must make some difference."

— Tailor : " How wide would you like your trousers, sir 1 " Wilkins : 4< Wide— very wide. I am going to play a part in amateur theatricals next week, and as it's my first appearance on any stage I expect my knees will shake considerably, so I want to give them plenty of room to work in, and besides hide my weakness from the eyes of the audience."

At Afternoon Tea. — Mr Gushington : " Oh, my dear Mrs Goodheart, I am so glad to see you ; and how is your poor dear husband ? I hear Dr Scalpel is attending him." " Oh, dear, yes, but I'm so troubled about him ; the doctor ordered John a little whisky whenever he felt the spasms, and ifc seems to stop the pain for a time, but the spasms are so much more frequent."

At a little dinner party the husband, while carving a fowl, let a wing fall on the floor. 41 Do be quick," his wife cried, "orPonto'll get it. He's just run away under the table after it ! " " All right, my dear," said the husband, with great presence of mind; "I've put my foot on it ! " He rescued it triumphantly, but the lady to whom he offered it said she preferred the leg of the fowl.