FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1899, 26 June 1890, Page 42

FUN AND FANCY.

— How little and dried up the cheese i appears to the rat after he is caught in the , trap. — A : " May I speak with you a minute ? " i B : " Yes, if you don't want more tliau half-a-crown." — Bridegroom (tremulously) : " You're not nervous, darling ? " Bride (widow, firmly) : " Never was yet I " — A good way to save doctors bills : When you feel ill, look at the last one you got. Ten tv one you'll feal better at once. — " W<ill, my dear Fanny, if I had a tooth like that I should have it out." — " Oh, i hav'n't the nerve." — " You leave that to the demist, he'll find it." — The latest joke among the brilliant wits of the fashionable clubs in London is that the reason Gladstone is "such a good fuller" is that he understands how to cut down trees 1 — " I'm not lazy 1 " said Mr Somnus, indignantly, " but 10 years ago I adopted a rule never to work between meals, and I have kept it ever since." — With pleading eyes she looked from the piano and sang: "Cill me your darling again." — "He didn't do it, however, for he had already figured in one breach of promise suit." y — A suburban paper, in giving the details of a reception, says : " Mid Chalkpi, the wife of our enterprising milk contractor, was becomingly attired in watered silk.' 1 — Celebrated Lawyer : " Now tell me, huuestly, did you rob that; b.mk?" Client (in disgust): "Of course I did. Do yt-r spose I'd be able to retain yer if I didn't? " — A Genial Waiter. — " Waiter, here I have been waiting an hour for that chop ! " The waiter smiles good-naturedly and replies : " Ah 1 how quickly time flies, doesn't it, sir ? " — "Johnnie," said his mother, "did you get any marks at school to-day for conduct 7 " " Yes," promptly replied Johnnie, " several ; but they are on my back." — Brown said the other day to an intolerable talker : '• I give you the best bit of advice you ever received. Try and go three days without speaking, and when you've succeeded begin over again." — At a school examination the inspector asked a boy why the earth turned round the sun on its own axis. The boy answered with great promptitude, " Because it disna want to get roasted too much on the ane side." — "What's the matter, John?" — "Found a purse with £10 in it." — " Well, that ought not to make you sad." — " But that's not all." — " Well 1 " — " Found the man it belonged to. Bah I give me some more whisky." — Professor (returning home at night, hears noise) : "Is someone there ? ' Thief (under the bed): "No I" Professor: "That's strange. I was positive someone was under my bed." — Mamma: " Well, Johnny, and how does the watch go that kind grandpa gave you ? " — '* Oh, fine 1 " — " Does it keep good time, Johnny ? " — " Don't know, ma; but I expect it will. I took it to school this afternoon, and all the boys wound it up." — One-third of the fools of the country think they can beat the lawyer in expounding law, one-half think they can beat the doctor in healing the sick, two-thirds of them think they can beat the minister in preaching the gospel, and all of them know they can beat the editor in running a newspaper. — We once knew a poor unfortunate man who vas the prey of everyone. Poor people borrowed money of him, rich people ran over him, book agents clung to him, insurance agents followed him from morning to night. He commenced eating onions. Now no one goes near him. — At the Rector's Dinner. — Miss Hoyden : " I saw young Mr Simpson indulging in novel reading in church this morning I " Rector : " Good gracious I I never heard of such a thing. What was he reading ? " — " The Bible ; it's very novel reading for Mr Simpson." —She: "You seem to have something on your mind. Speak out, Mr Bashful." He : " What I wanted to say is that I am perfectly sure that there is not another man in this world that yearns for a mother-in-law as much as I do, since I have become acquainted with you." — Mr Justice Williams was a capital shot, and whilst enjoying the sport upon some gentleman's preserves, and knocking over the birds right and left, the gamekeeper whispered confidentially to his comrade, " They tell me this 'ere gent is a judge ; I'll take my sam he's been a poacher." — Patient : " And what do youthink of my case, doctor ? " Young Physician : " Oh, I am perfectly delighted with it. I have learned more from three weeks' attendance on you than I did in all my two years' reading. If you only last two days longer I shall become quite an authority,-I'm sure." — It has been sagaciously said that it is useless to ask anyone with whom you have a discussion to give you his word of honour ; for if you are dealing with an honest man you ask for what is superfluous ; whereas if you have to do with a knave what you ask for if useless even if given. — Discussing the New Strauss Minuet. — First Fair American : "Oh, you should dance Strauss' new minuet waltz ; it's perfectly lovely 1 " Second Ditto : " I hate those pokey old minuet figures." " Oh, it isn't like the old minuet at all I It's too lovely for anything ! You waltz a while, and then the music changes and you go off in a corner and hug." — Scene : Hotel in the West of Ireland. — Tourist (arriving): "Well, I'm thundering glad to get here ; I never saw such miles in my life. They told me it was three milestones, and I'm sure I've walked 10 miles." Proprietor: "It's very possible, sur; sure they run short of money when they was putting the bhtones down, so they just put one I every tree moiles. Of course they thought > yer knew that." I — Scene : Criminal Trial at a Quarter j Session. — Counsel (cross-examining a doctor) : " Surely you ought, as a medical man, to be able to give an opinion without making ', a mistake." Doctor :" I think physicians make fewer mistskes than barristers, any- i how," Counsel : ' Not at all ; tonly your j ' mistakes ' are buried six feet underground." Doctor (triumphantly) : " And yours are hanged six fset above ;t." — and then the match was declared drawn,