FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1898, 19 June 1890, Page 42

FUN AND FANCY.

— The chief symptom of a cold in the bead is a handkerchief.

— People who always say just what they think seem somehow always to be thinking disagreeable things, — "What were your husband's last words 1 " "He hadn't any," sobbed the widow, " I was with him.''

— Teacher : " Why didn'c you ask you* father how this sum was done ? " Johnnie : " 'Cause I didn't want to be sent to bed."

— Friend: "You have five daughters. Have you never wished for a son ? Mother : " Often, even if he were only a son-in-law.*'

— Beware of the man who is always suspicious of other people. It is more than possible that he judges other people by himself.

— Dignity is a good thing ; but if you're in the rear of a big crowd and wish to see the procession, don't stand on it. Get on a barrel.

— " Why, that lobster there is smaller than the others, and yet you want, a shilling more for it ! "—"" — " Yes, mum ; that's a fresh 'un, mum."

— An Irish landlord is said to haye 1 sent the following message to his steward — " Tell the tenants that no threats to shoot you will terrify me."

— Sappy : " Yaas, aw, doncherknow if there, aw, is anything. I aw, love it is, aw, cahes' bwains 1" Miss Pert : " Oh, the cannibal 1 "

— In Hungary a man convicted of bigamy was compelled to live with both wives in the same house. Hence bigamy was rare in that country.

— Working Man : " Give me work and I do not care ior the rest of the world." Tramp : " Well, give me rest and I don t care for the work of the woild."

— Tailor (measuring customer) : " You are rather short, sir." Customer : " Well, yes, rather ; but how could you have guessed as to the low state of my finances 1 " She looked with dismay at the result of her bnlring,

And remarked, with tears in hf-r eyes, " If thiß really is an«el cake I have been making, Then why in the world won't it rise ? "

—Harriet : " Let us play cleaning house, will you, Henry ? " Henry : " All right ; you pound your fingers with the tack hammer, and I'll upset the stove pipe and say dammit."

— The nurses in a smallpox hospital struck for an increase) and when their committee suggested a hearing before the Board of Health, the increase was granted with great suddenness.

— How He Accentuates the " I." — Fangle : 11 1 thought Smyth used to spell his name with an"i"^ Mrs Fangle i "He did; but his rich uncle died since then, and left him £100,000.

— "A good memory is a blessing," says a writer ; and it may be remarked that it is one that wealth cannot buy. Just look at the man who becomes suddenly rich. He cannot even remember the faces of his old friends.

— " Find out your child's specialty," is the urgent advice of a phrenologist. We have tried this and find it is not so easy. Sometimes rock candy seems to be the favourite, and then again there is a marked tendency to toffee.

— A Bostonian Row.—" I hear some hard words passed between you 1 "—"" — " Yes ; he called me a megalophonous megalasaurus. To which I retorted that, in comparison with him, the antedeluvian cyclepteridae would not have been in it."

— Wonder How He Liked It. — Friend: " Well, Ethel, how do you like married life ? " Ethel (enthusiastically) : " It's simply delightful 1 We've been married a week, and have bad eight quarrels, and I got the best of it every time." — Jury. — A Patron of Modern Art. — Picture Dealer: "What is the class of painting you desire to purchase ? " Customer : " Very large, very dear, and by one of the very newest painters ; none of your old fashioned hackneyed names for me I "

— Ze Lady is More So. — "Ah, it eez strange," said a newly-arrived Frenchman, as he alighted from a street car. "Ze lady says to her child, ' sect down ! ' and zen immediately • sect up 1 ' Ze English language eez wonderful, eez it not ? "

— Dr Radcliffe, while dining at a convivial party, refused to leave it to attend to a sick woman. Her husband thereupon picked him up bodily, and forcing him into a carriage, drove off with him. The doctor at first was enraged, but finally took it as a joke, and said, " Now, you impudent dog, I'll be revenged on you, for I'll cure your wife."