FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1989, 10 April 1890, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

—A man in town has got so deep into debt that not one of his creditors has been able to see him for months. — If, in proportion to size, a man could holloa as loud asja baby, there would be no telephones needed in this country. — She 1 "And that scar, major. Did you get it during an engagement 7 " He (absently) : "No, during the first week of our honeymoon."

— Tho manjwbo boasted that he was as "regular as the sun" forgot that that luminary rises only twice in the year at the same time. The young lady who was blamed for allowing her glove to be discovered in a young man's pocket protested that she bad no hand in it.

—A country paper mentions the marriage of Mr John Sweet to Miss Ann Sour. It is probable they mean to set up a lemonade business.

— Tommy; "Pa, may I ask you a question 1 " Pa' j " Certainly, my child." Tommy : 11 Well, where is the wind when it doesn't blow ?•"

— Minister (making a call) : " And do you always do as your mamma tells you to, FloBsie?" Flossie (emphatically) : "I guess I do, and so does papa." — " I washed Willies pants t'udder day, and dey shrunk so dat de po' ebile kin ha'dly walk in urn. Won'er how I gwan to fix urn !• " — " Try washin' de chile, May be he shrink, too." —A lady began to laugh at an amusing incident and couldn't stop. At last a doctor was called in, but he couldn't quiet her. A friend, however, just then chanced to remark that the lady's mouth looked very large when she laughed, and that put an end to the mirth in a minute. —The Feeder's Standard of Beauty.— Noble Lord (recently married, and rather proud of his wife); "There, Muggins, what do you think of her ladyship ? * Muggins (a tenant who has just been taking a prize at the fat stock show): "Well, m'lora, I reckon she'e tuppence 'a'p'ny a pound better than any other lady in these parts." —Hotel Proprietor : " Sorry, Bir, but yott will have to leave the house. I hear you were seen kissing the lady you talked^ to^ so long on the piazza last night." Guest (indignantly) : " It's a slander, sir ! I didn't kiss her, and I can prove it. Why ! that lady was my wife 1" — Jenkinson (to M.F.H., who dislikes being bothered) : " What do you think of this horse ? " (No answer.) " Bred him myself, you know I " M.F.H. (looking at horse out of corner of his eye) : " Umph J I thought you couldn't have been such a silly idiot as to have bought him ! "

OUR BETTER HALVES.

There's a purpler half to the purple grape and a sweeter half to the peaoh ; There's a warmer half to the human heart which

kindly deeds may reaoh. There's a brighter half to the weary world where the skies are ever blue, And a better half to every) man whose wife is

good and true

— Did She Mean Ib?— " You know what a fashion Miss Gnawledge has of quoting proverbs at all times?"— "Yes."— "Well, last night, as I remarked about midnight that I must go, she looked at the clock and murmured, ' Better late than never.' "

—"Ah, well," said Mrs Naggleton, after a long dispute with Mr N., and she thought the time had come for making a small concession ; " Ah, well, I suppose I, too, have my faults I " " Indeed you have J " replied her husband emphatically. " What I " screamed Mrs N., once more uplifting the battle-flag, " I should just like you, then, to tell me what they are." —Didn't Like the Bank Selected.— Blunt : " My children manifest too early a tendency to put away money, and I am exceedingly worried over it." Jenkins : "Why, that is an excellent trait, and I don't see any reason why you should be so worried." Blunt : " But I am. The baby swallowed a threepenny bit this morning."

— A blind man who had occupied a certain station in London for some years, was credited with being an impostor, and a passer by, with a view of testing the case, once put his hand into the " blind " man's cap and tried to take a penny out instead of putting one in. The beggar, however, did not move a muscle, but the same test was never repeated by anyone, for the dog took a piece out of the enemy's leg. —An old bachelor recently gave utterance to the following jew cVesj/rit. He was introduced to a beautiful widow of the same name as himself. The introduction was in this wise : "Mr Evans, permit me to introduce you to Mrs Evans." "Mrs Evans!" exclaimed the spirited old bachelor ; the very lady I have been in search of for the last 40 years 1 "