FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Volume 06, Issue 1986, 6 March 1890, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

I —A boy was very backward with his tongue, but recovered soon after being sent to a girls' school. —A Word in Season.— Amateur Sportsman (who has just missed a snipe) : "Ah, well ! live and let live is my motto." —Any boy will save money to buy a gun. It is the boy who saves money who has no gun in view who deserves the most credit. — " Waiter, make a good fire at once, for I am confoundedly wet, and bring me a drink, for I am fearfully dry." — " Oh, how happy poor Charles would be,"said an ex-widow, "if he could only see by what an agreeable gentleman he has been replaced." — Perhaps the advice of a certain old lady applies to etiquette as well as to the other affairs of life: "Speak the truth always," she was wont to say, " but speak it gently." —Young Mother : " Don't you think baby looks like his father 1 " Visitor: " Ye-es, but 1 wouldn't worry ; he may outgrow it." —If grown men' only knew as much as their mothers think they know when they are babies, the world would have no further use for encyclopaedias. — Visitor: "I suppose your daughter is busily engaged preparing for her wedding 1 " Mother : "Yes ; she, .is up in her room now, destroying all her old letters." — Tongue cannot tell the words nor express the astonishment of the crippled soldier who awoke to find his wife using his wooden leg to pound the beefsteak for breakfast. — The lay of the poet and the lay of the hen differ in several important features, and in none more signally than in the readiness iwith which the lay of the hen is convertible nto hard cash. — A man tied one end of a rope round his waist and lassoed a cow with the other. He thought he had the cow, but at the end of the first half mile he began to suspect that the cow had him. — A man believing himself in extremis, sent for his enemy, and said : " The quarrel between us is all over ; give me your hand." As the other was leaving, after shaking hands, the sick man cried out : "If I should not die this time, mind, all this goes for nothing." —Unanswerable.— The Governor : " This is much better wine than I could afford to drink at your age, my son." Jack : " I suppose so, dad. But just think what nectar I'll get by-and-bye if things improve at the i same ratio." —"Where did you get that wonderful power of language 1 " asked an admiring auditor at the close of the lecture. " Oh," replied the lecturer, with a laugh, " I used to work in a barber's shop." — Nahum Spawlding: "Yo' won't fight, heh 1 Den youse a mis'rble sneakin' coward, yo'is." Hezekigh Thomas": " Dats all rite ; ef yo' hadn't knowed dat, yo'd bin askeered ter offah to fight me." — "Where do all the pins goi" asks a i contemporary. That isn't the question that 1 bothers the man who patters around in his bare feet to fix the fire for the night. What he would like to know is where all the pins come from. — " Why will you persist in drinking tea and coffee 1 " asked the doctor. " A milk diet is the healthiest. It contains all the elements of human blood." "Very true," ■ replied Boggs, swallowing a third cup of coffee ; " but then, you know, I'm not bloodthirsty." — They are Sure. — Amateur farmers do not know a great deal, perhaps, but what they do know they are sure. Old Farmer : "What do you feed your pigs with?" Amateur Farmer : " Corn." Old Farmer : "In the ear 1 " Amateur Farmer (in disgust) : " No ; in the mouth." —Friend: "So you have married your housekeeper. Don't you know that she hasbeen robbing you for years ? " Old Smart : "Of course I know it. That's why I married her. lam trying to get my money back." — A Change in Luck. — Magistrate : " You are ■ charged with stealing chickens, Uncle Eastus." Uncle Eastus: "Yes, sar; so I understand." Magistrate: "Have you ever been arrested before ? " Uncle Eastus : " Only wonce befo', you honnah. I's always been berry lucky." —"To-day," said the preacher, "we are taking a collection to procure a new suit for our 'city missionary. This morning when the plate was passed we got two buttons. We will now have the plates again passed, and we trust that your generous hearts will freely respond and give ns the rest of the suit." — Blob-fon (who has caught his wife extracting some change from his trousers pocket): "Look here! What are you doing with that money 1 " Mrs Blobson : " I— l was just shining up the silver, and I thought you might like to have this polished too." — Mr Nicefellow (to adored one's little brother): " There 1 You did that errand very nicely. Here's a penny for you.'* Little Brother : " Oh, ma ! Mr Nicefellow J gave me a penny," Ma; "Well, my dear, ! you should say " Little Brother : " Yes, j I know I should say • thank you,' but I was so s'prised I forgot. You said he hadn't a cent."— New York Weekly. — Mrs Youngbridge; "How does your breakfast suit you- this morning, darling?" Mr Youngbridge: "Just right! I tell you, Annie, it may be plebeian, but I am awfully fond of calf's liver." Mrs Youngbridge : "So am I. Don't you think, George, it would be real nice and economical to keep a calf, then we can have calf's liver for breakfast every morning." — America. —"A Clean Breast of It."~ The Magisstrate: '• Oh, you admit making counterfeit money, then?" Prisoner (aiily): "Well, the fa fit is, your wash up, fie supply n the get nine JirttVc is ex'remtly Ihniti-rl, and tl.ir.f. srciKUiily jik: t*o very light ooinrnr-r-cially, ih.it a poor fellow mu.st. do something these times to turn an honest penny ! " — Punch.