Sam Wellerisms.

Otago Witness, Issue 1973, 12 September 1889, Page 38

Sam Wellerisms.

" A fine edition of Cooper's works," as the man said when he was trying to sell some wooden pails.

" I cannot move, I am paroleised," as the prisoner of war replied when he was invited to escape after giving his parole. " If you go wrong it will not be for want of common scents," as the father remarked to his daughter when he smelled the horrible combination of patchouli, bergamot, and musk on her handkerchief.

" You must stand upon form, though not upon ceremony," if you want to see the Lord Mayor's Show from the back of the crowd.

" This is a hard case," as the fellow observed when he was engraving on platinum. " This is the weigh of the transgressor," as the inspector said when the grocer gave him short weight.

" I've been maltreated," as the young fellow remarked when his friend treated him to a glass of malt wine.

" I'll make a clean sweep of you," as little Chummy's mother exclaimed when she commenced to wash him.

" It's all up," as the English tourist said when he was climbing the Eiffel Tower.

"My dear fellow, be natural ; be natural, and you'll surely be successful," as the theatrical manager said to an idiot of an actor who had some fearful misgivings how to play an idiotic part.

" I feel rather down in the mouth," as Jonah said to the whale's belly.

" Oh, what a soft seat 1 " as the hat said to the masher's head.

" All's well that ends well," as the young wife said when the old man died — rich.

" Blood for blood ! " as the man said when he killed a flea.

" I wish you may get ib," as the man said to his client in a chancery suit. — Judy.

A Practical Witness. — A woman who was giving her testimony in a case of assault was " nagged at " persistently by the attorney for the defendant, who inquired :

" How did he strike him, my good woman ? " " Why, you see, sir, he stood " "But how did he hit him? I want to know just how."

" I'm a-tryin' to tell yer 1 Ye see, Jack was a-standin' "

" I can't stop to hear all that ! I want to just know how he hit him. You can tell a straight story, can't, you 1 "

The woman hesitated, whereupon the counsel bellowed forth :

" If you have come here to testify, will you have the goodness to tell me how the blow was struck 1 "

The woman's eyes blazed, but she answered quietly :

" Ef yell fetch me a broomstick and stand nigh enough, I'll be most happy to illustrate the performance 1 "

The Confectionery Did It.— Miss Laura (who has a reputation for being passionately fond of sweets) : "It grieves me to give you pain, Mr Ferguson, but I fear it can never be. Try, try to forget me." " I'll try, Miss Laura," replied the young man in a melancholy, hopeless way. " Absorbed in the vortex of business, as I shall be henceforth, I pay be able to still the clamour of my aching heart, and banish your sweet image from my mind."

" Then you contemplate going into business 1 "

"I have made arrangements," lie s;iid in a hollow voice, "to open a large retail confectionery establishment."

"Oh, George 1" exclaimed the beautiful girl wildly, as she flung herself into his :n ith, "the sight of your suffering is more than I can bear. lam yours I "