FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1958, 30 May 1889, Page 38

FUN AND FANCY.

; " — ; : v : ~ " I —^A f winter's, tail— An icicle. , , - ■ —He" Knew 1 His Business.— Lady": " And what does your father do ?"' Little Girl: '" Oh, papa is a doctor." f Lady : ♦' Indeed J I suppose' he practises' a great deal, does he not?" Little Girl; "Oh, no.: He doesnt practise any more now j he knows how." , —Husband : " What was that.nbise I heard as I was coming up Btairs ? " Wife :,." I was warmirig'your slippers, my dear." Husband; "Very thougHtful, wife; , Kiss>e, my .dear." Tommy: "What's ihe., matter with'kissing me; : too.V'She warmed 'em on me/—T own, Topics. .'■-'■ „ , ' —In a Fix;— Mrs Muggins; "It's, raining, and Mrs Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have ho umbrella to lend her except my new : guinea one. Can't I let her have yours t " Mr Mugging : " Hardly I The .only umbrella I've gbt has' her husband's name on the . handle." , '. ' " „. ' „ ¥ , L_A Glasgow boy came home from school very much excited, and told his father that n'e believed all human beings were descended , from apes, which made the old man so-wild that he replied angrily : " That; may , be, the , case with" you, but not with me ; I can tell , you that.'' ', . ; ' ! —Wounded Dignity.— Undersized young: husband calls at the registrar's to give in the ' name of his first-born.. Registrar : "What is it you want ? " Husband : \' To report the birth of a son." Registrar : "Go back, my little man, and tell your father he'll have to come'hirnself I w - • * r _ - —Conversation is a very serious thing with some people.-' One of this kind in a train, was asked a very simple question ; by a felldwpassenger. She made a deprecating gesture and . replied : " Excuse me, but I am : only going to'the next station, and it's not worth while to begin a conversation."- ' : —Her Meaning Was Obscure.— Husband (on the way to the station for a -brief trip) ; " Remember, my: dear,' that- absence makes the heart grow fonder." Wiftf: : «• Ah, yes, John ; -and if you knew how fondly I think of you when you are absent from home I'm sure you'd go away much oftener." —A Fair Test.—" Gracious! How well it is" preserved," said one man to another, as they gazed at a mummy in a museum'; '-* it looks" as if /If might- wake up and speaik; if you could only arouse it with some familiar words."— •,' So it does. Suppose you try it witb that story you just told me." • -> r Appreciated It.— "Then you think you really appreciate orchestral music* Mr Fitzroy 7 " she said, in a quizzical sort of way. " fVell — er— yes.' That is, I think I do. Once in awhile, you know, the instruments seem to be all out of tune and wander : a Jittle, but when the man hits the bass drum solid all is clear to me:" • ' • ' • —She: "I can only be a sister to you, Henry." - He (with ; repressed emotion) : "How old are you?": She (curiously): " Twenty, last October." He :• "• Well," you can't be a sister to me. I've got a sister at home- who was twenty last August, and you see that sort of relationship won't do. Try something else."- • ;- r <•":*. , — Doctor (who has been sent fo^ at % a.m.) : "Madam, pray send at once for the clergy--man, and,, if you want to make your will, for the lawyer." Madam (horrified);: "Good gracious ; is it so dangerous, doctor? " Doctor : " Not a bit of it ; -but I don|t want to be the only one who has been disturbed in his sleep for nothing." „. • , ' • > — A policeman leaned over the area railing, and, addressing Bridget, who was at that moment engaged in shifting an ash-barrel, observed, :, " Bridget, my darlint, the loight ay yef oyes makes the dawn seem loike darkness."—'! Them's the very words that; yer sapayrior the sargint spoke to me. I suppose its part ay the 'drill ay the force,.", — An extreme specimen of a masher ' alighted from a four-wheeler and went round ■to pay the driver. The poor old bag-of -bones mare turned her head to gase at him. " Yes," said the driver- (who had only received his legal fare) J , confidentially to the horee, as the passenger moved away, " that's the blessed hobject you've b?en a-drawin' of." : — "Grey hairs are honourable and becomiing to people who have passed the meridian of life. I sincerely wish my head was covered I with grey hairs,'' exclaimed Major I'ompkins. .The ladies of the company screamed out with .one voice: "Why, major, whatan awful wish!" 'Tompkins made.no reply, but took; off his' ibright brown wig, and ..exposed a finely-, ■polished bald .pate. v , - ' — " What . do you. dp when people come in land bore you ? " a wafta personal friend asked of a merchant.—" When they stay too,. long, the office boy, who. is .very bright and knows just when to interfere, tells, me: that a gentleman is in the counting-house waiting, to see ime on important business."—" Ha, ha.l That's a capital way to get rid 'of bores who don'fc kn 0W » Just then the boy opened the door and sang out, " Gent in the countin'house, sir, waitin' to see you on important business 1 " . —A general, on his return from the wars, showed his family a regimental flag all tattered and torn and riddled with bullets, which he had captured from the enemy with his own hands'. On the following morning, the trophy was to be presented to the general pommanding-in-chief. When he came to look for the flag his industrious housekeeper broughtit to him with a smileof proud satis- t faction, and said; "I sat, up all night and mended the flag. It now looks nearly as good as new." .'_ '" - — "How sorry I am to hear.your husband has broken loose' again," said a kind but; interfering female to a married womarrof her| acquaintance, " Lor', my dear, you need not distress yourself; my husband is the best of creatures ,when he's had a glass or two. Why, lie gave me this sealskin the last .bout' he had, and to-day he ordered a new- carpet for the drawing room. It's" quite as well he should be a little ' on ' now and then, for he is as close as an oyster at other times, You can have a teetotaller for your husband if ydn like, but I prefer, mine as he is." 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