FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1955, 9 May 1889, Page 38

FUN AND FANCY.

—First Wife: "Why. did' you have your husband cremated?" Second Wife:. "He swore h,e would haunt me, Now let him haunt." — " Isn't your husband , a little bald ? " inquired one lady of another. " There isn't a bald hair in his head," indignantly replied his wife. — The Nearest Way. — Stranger: "My good man, can you tell me the nearest way to Hyde Park?" Cabby: " Just inside my cab, sir." ~A pert little, girl boasted to one of her young friends that "her father drove his carriage." " Ah, but," was the triumphant reply, " my father drives a tramcar." — The juryman who sleeps through the whole trial and awakes and listens to the charge of the judge is the safe man. He knows something; the other 11 are only muddled with the evidence. — " What building ,is that ? " asked a ; stranger of* a boy, pointing to the school. " That," said the boy, " why, that's a tannery." And he feelingly rubbed his back and passed on. —A Very Good Reason.— A schoolmaster at Basle lately received the following note of apology: "Will yu pleez exkews my son , Fritz for not bumming tv skoole this mornin. He is ded. Widow H— , washewoman." — " Wanted, smart boy, used to vice," is an advertisement we found the other day, in a leading daily paper. Rather startling — though the advertiser did not say he was not an engine-fitter. — Father (who has given his consent) : " I hope, young man, that you know the value of theprizeybuwillgel/in my daughter ?",, Young Man: "Well-er-no, sir; I don't know the exact value ; bub as near as 1 can find out, it's in the neighbourhood of £.50QO. — Knew What He was Talking About.— School Teacher: " Bertie, how many inches make a foot ? " BertJie :' " Fourteen." School Teacher : "What kind of measure do you call that?" Bertie: "Well, that's the size of pa's foot, 'cause I measured it last night." — The One Exception. — At table with company one day a farmer said : " Well, I have been married 30 years, and only once have my wife and I been of one mind in all those years, and that was when the house was on fire, and each wanted to be the first to escape. 1 ' ' i — A suite of rooms was advertised at a ! fashionable watering-place as having among | its attractions " a splendid view over a fiqe J garden adorned with numerous sculptures." j It was found, on applying, at 1 the address, that the garden adorned with sculpture was the cemetery. — The lately deceased Dean Burgon preached one of a series of sermons on Jonah, and concluded with these words: " And so Jonah was lodged in the whale's belly, where, my dear brethren, we will leave ,him until we meet again next Sunday." —if young women knew what desperate things young men will sometimes 'do un.der the influence of disappointed love, they would be more careful how they trifle with'their j deep affections, A girl refused to marry , a young man the other evening, and he went arc ay and proposed successfully to another girl before 10 o'clock. — Love's Young Dream. — Little Girl (atj school): "What did the teacher send you here for ? " Little Boy : " Sh e" said I was bad an^ must come over and sit vith the girls."' —''Hike you. Can you stay h. 4?"— " Guess not. 1 wasn't' vfery- bad." — " Well, you be' badder next time." — N. Y. Weekly. " Oh, when does the honeymoon end, tell mejpray, And the gall show itself ou ths honey? " " The honeymoon ends, I believe, on the day When the wife says she must have some money." — A new simile for innocence is badly wanted. The lamb and the newborn babe have both been overdone!, That of Richard Brockley at the Chesterfield Police Court 'is^ we believe, novel. Charged with stealing, he declared that he was "as innocent as <a gas-lamp." This is, at least, a luminous comparison. —Sunday, luncheon time. Ethel (impressed by the sermon) : " Mamma, do you think it's true about all our hairs being numbered like the preacher said ? "—"" — " Yes, my love, the Bible says so." Ethel (looking at Uncle George's lock of three hairs reflectively) : " How glad the angel must be i when he comes to a head like unkey's." j — A gentleman in India, pulling on his boots, felt a horrid prickly object, like a centipede, in one of them. With great presence of mind, instead of withdrawing his foot, he forced it violently down and stamped furiously, though enduring exquisite agony in the process. But it was not a centipede, only a small blacking-brush left there by a servant. —Friend to East End parson,: " I can't < for the life of me tell how you get on with those rough, drunken fellows ; and yet I have been told lots of them come to your church." — " Well, the fact is I let them smoke, and give them coffee ; and I talk to them like this': 'Now, you fellows, I am just going to tell you of a little affair in which a cove 6ffc high, knocked out a great hulking chap 10ft high" in one round ; ' and then I tell thfem about David and Goliath, and make it as exciting as possible." White ahd Sotnn> Tkbth are ndlipensable to er«oiiai attraction, and to health and longevity by he proper mastication of food. RowlamdsT' Odonto r Pearl dentifrice, compound of Oriental m:r»dtenfcs. is of inestimable value in preserving and the teeth, strengthening the gums, and n giving a pleasant fragrance to the breath. It n.-iicates tartar from the teeth, remove* ipqt« of inipioi.t decay, and polishes and preserve* the enamel, y which it imparts a pearl-like whiteness. Eowunds' Macassar Oil is the best and safest preserver of the hair, and produces a luxuriant and (lossy growth ; is also sold in a golden colour. Auk jhemists for KOWWJTBS' «tiol«l, of 90 Hatfera sUrdoß, fcoodoa.

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