FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1942, 7 February 1889, Page 38

FUN AND FANCY.

— Fat Man : "We want to see the animals." Keeper : " You can't come in here. If the lion sees you he will get too excited." ' —A pupil at Carlisle, Perm., was asked : " What is the highest form of animal life ? " "The giraffe," was the immediate response. — Woman (to tramp) : " How's that soup ?" Tramp : " 'Taint quite strong enough, ma'am. I wish you would wash a few more dishes in it." — Somehow or other, even a sensible man never wholly gets over his surprise because other people aren't so much interested as he is in the lirst photograph of his first baby. —"Don't my room look almost like a bower 1 " she asked, as she moved a poodle from one chair and a pug from another. " Yes, dear," answered her friend, " a regular bow-wow-er." — "Be minel" he cried, in a voice surcharged with anguish. "If you refuse me I shall die ! " That was 40 years ago, and the heartless girl refused him. Yesterday he died. Girls, beware ! —Man is awfully clever in some things, but nbbody has ever discovered one that could jam a hat pin clean through his head and make it come out at the other side as the women do. — " Papa's home to-night " is the title of ; a new song. So the old man has yielded at last. Let's see, it must be about 15 years since they began to coax him vr ith " Father, dear father, come home." —Nobility in Disguise : "Do you see that man across the street ? He's an English lord." — "Why, he looks just like an average citizen." — " Yes. It beats all how the tailors and barbers can improve a man's natural appearance." — Chicago Tribune. —At a soiree in the North lately a boy, who had been starving himself for some time in anticipation of the feast, was heard to remark to a companion that he was so empty that he heard the first mouthful strike on the bottom of his boots. — A gentleman of Detroit was walking down town the other day with a witty lady, the intimate and guest of his wife, when he began to revile facetiously the gait and carnage of her sex. " Evan you," said he, » l walk with a very mechanical step." " Yes," she instantly replied, " I am going with a crank," — -" I don't say marriage is a failure," said Adam, candidly, as he sat down on a log just outside the Garden of Eden, and looked hungrily at the fruit on the other side of the wall, "but if I had remained single this would not have happened ! " —Aunt (severely) : "As I glanced into the parlour last evening I saw you with a young I man's arms round you." Niece (calmly) : [ "Yes, aunty, I was waiting for you to pass I the door and see us. Young men are very slippery nowadays, and one can'b have too i many witnesses." —When told that the young Emperor of Germany aspired to make for himself a name in history, and not merely to be chronicled as [ William 11, the Prince oE Wales smiled, and j remarked plaintively, " A g-r-r-rand ambition 1 1 suppose I shall be forced to content myself with the glory of being his uncle ! " — A Paris newspaper tells us of an ingenious savant in that city — name unfortunately withheld— who has taught an ape to play not only all the major and minor scales on the pianoforte, but to render duets with its hands and feet. The failure of the instructor to teach the animal to use its tail to turn the leaves of the pieces makes us doubt the general applicability of his methods. —When Keeley, the actor, was "starring" at Chelmsford, then the worst theatrical town in England, it was " a beggarly account of empty benches." The last piece was "The Hundred Pound Note," in which he played the punster, Billy Black. In the last scene he advanced to the footlights and said, "Why is Chelmsford theatre like a half moon ? D'ye give it up ? Because it is never full." 3£. is alluding to an acquaintance in terms the very reverse of complimentary. " Curious to hear you saying that of him ! " remarks a friend. "I thought you were under obligations to him ?"—"? "— " Who-1 1 Ob, not at all 1 You see, he lent me some money once ; but the next time I wanted to borrow of him he refused, merely because I hadn't returned the first ; and so that made it even." — 4 country clergyman was boasting^ of having been educated at two universities. " You remind mej" sqld an aged diyine, "of an instance I know of a calf that was suckled by two cows."'" What was the consequence?" said a third person. " Why, sir," replied the old gentleman, very gravely, "the consequence was that he was a very great calf 1 " —Biting Sarcasm.— A brilliant assembly j were met at a nobleman's house in Berlin. The ladies wore dresses of the most costly fabrics, but in the case of some o£ them the material seemed to have run short in the making, and their decollete appearance was the subject, of general remark among the sterner sex. "Did you ever see anything like it ? " one officer remarked to another, who was present. "No," was the reply, " since I was weaned — never ! "'

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