FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1933, 7 December 1888, Page 38

FUN AND FANCY.

—Praise never gives us much pleasure unless it concurs with our own opinion, and extols us for those qualities in which we chiefly excel. —Mrs A : "My husband begins to show signs of insanity." Mrs B : " How so 1 " Mrs A : "I gave him a letter to mail this morning and he mailed it."

—Husband : " I think we had better give up our pew in the church for a while, my love." Wife : " Why." Husband »" I am going into the coal business and I hate hypocrisy." —Spirit-rapping.— ln a haunted house there were heard three fearful midnight raps every night. People kept away until it was found that the next-door neighbour knocked the ashes out of his pipe at that time. — MrKiralfy (to fair applicant for an engagement in the ballet): "Are you accustomed to tights ?"—" Oh, yes, sir; I have been married five years and my old man has never been sober once the whole time."

» It was a severe punishment," said the father, self-reproachfully, but it answers the purpose. It kept Johnny from running on the street."— " You did not cripple the boy, did you ? "—" No. I had his mother cut his hair for him. You ought to see the poor; boy." And the proud father wept bitterly. Wife (waking from sleep as the clocks strikes 11 p.m.) : " Mercy me I Have you been downstairs reading all this time ? " Husband : " I've been sitting in the backparlonr waiting for that young man to leave." Wife : " Eemember, my dear, that you were young once yourself." Husband: "I remember. That's why I watch him." —It Was Time to Go.— She was sitting in the parlour with her beau when the old man came downstairs and opened the front door. " Surely, papa," she said, " you are not going out at this late hour ? " " Merely to untie the dog," he replied. • Well, Miss Clara," said the young man, reaching for his hat, " I think I will say good-night." —Mother : " Clara, I wish you would run down to the drug store and get me something to quiet my headache." Clara: *'In this damp night air, mother. I can't think of it. I would catch my death cold." Clara's sister (four hours later) : " Where have you bean all the evening dear ? " Clara : " Down on the front gate talking with Charles deOssey. —Quiet and Law-abiding.— Magistrate (to prisoner) : " It's some time since I saw you here, Uncle Bastus." Uncle Rastus (virtuously): "Yes, sah, I'se been quiet an'lawabidin' since de larst time I was up befo' yo', an' dat were morn six months ago, yo' honnoh." Magistrate: "Ah, yes; I remember. I gave you six months for stealing a ham. It's a year this time, Uncle."— Boston Globe.

— A gentleman dining at a restaurant where waiters were few and far between, despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman : " Are you the lad who took my order for this beef?" —"Yes, sir." "Bless me," resumed the hungry wife, " how you have grown ! " —Everything Else Settled.—" So you have my daughter's permission to ask me for her hand, have you, young man ? " " I— l am happy to say, sir, that I have," replied the poor but worthy youth. " And I suppose,'* said the banker, after a pause, " you have also asked her to name the day. About what time, sir, do you expect to break into the family?" —That was a very fair retort of a pretty girl annoyed by the impertinence of a conceited beau at a wedding party. "Do you know what I was thinking of all the time during the ceremony 1 " he asked. " No, sir, how should I ? "— " Why, I was blessing my stars I was not the bridegroom."—" And I have no doubt the bride was doing the same thing," said the girl, and left him to think it over. —Inquiring Child : '.' Father, what is tbr: difference between sitting up and sitting down 1 " Father (with perfect confidence in his ability to explain): "Why, my child, when somebody is standing up and he seats himself, he sits down, and when he doesn't go to bed and sits down, he sits up.' Then, with a dawning doubt of his ability to m-ike il, quiet clear : "You see, my child, if he sits down, why, he— l mean if he sits up Go to your mother, and don't ask me questions when I'm busy."

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