PUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1911, 6 July 1888, Page 38

PUN AND FANCY.

— Mistress: "Lina, who was the man I saw in your company last evening ? " Lina : " Madam, that was a distant brother fo mine."

— If the Lord Chief Justice felt, in proportion to his place, as big as a policeman in his new uniform, he'd grow round-shouldered trying to dodge the clouds.

— Scene — A druggist's shop ; Sunday evening. Swell Youth : "A postage stamp, please." Druggist : "We don't keep that kin' o' sticking plaister ! "

— One of the chief differences between J man and woman is that a man will carry home a 141b turkey and a woman will have a packet of needles sent home in a big van. 'j

— A London cabman called out after: a smart, dapper little gentleman, who affects particularly large hats, " Come out of that 'at, will yer ; I knows yer in it, 'cos I sees yer feet.'; — Two Mormon Wives (speaking together): "Husband, what in the world hast you out so late?" Mormon Husband: fi li liave just been proposing to a few of Elder Jones' daughters. I tell , you, that little Kittie Jones is a daisy." — Texas Sittings. — " And now, my dear brethren, what shall I say more ? " thundered' the long-winded minister. " Amen," came in sepulchral tones i from the absent-minded clerk in the back of the church.

— Mr D. Sappy: " Ya-as, time works >\ onders. Why, when I was born I was the youngest in my family, and now I have faw bwothers all younger than myself."

— Condemned Man (to his lawyer) : " It's a long sentence, sir, to be sent to prison for life." Lawyer (inclined to a more hopeful view) : " Yes, it does seem long, but perhaps you won't live a great while." — Pat's Experience of Champagne.-^— " Champagne is a most desaytful sort of dhrink. Shure, whin I thought that I was comfortably dhrunk for the rest pf the evenin', I found that in an hour I was intirely sober!" — " Why, Pat, for heaven's sake what's the matter?" "Well, sorr, I swallowed a pertater bug, an' although, sorr,' I • tuck some parrus green widin foive minits after ter kill th' baste, still he's just raisin' the' divil inside < o' me, sorr." — Life. — Everybody in the church, except the new pastor himself, seemed to enjoy it when he lost the place in bis manuscript, and while hunting for it spoke of " Esau, who sold his message for a birth of pot-right."

— "Good gracious!" said the hen when she found a porcelain egg in her nest ; " I shall be a bricklayer next I " " The nearest I ever carrie to cannibalism," said Lord Bentinck, " was when I swallowed a little London porter." — A Marshal of France, who, by his own abilities and perseverance, had risen from the ranks to a dukedom, was once snubbed by some hereditary nobles in Vienna, when he retorted, "i am an ancestor; you are only descendants."

—Edwin (suddenly after a long pause) : " Darling 1" Angelina: "Yes, darling!" Edwinr "Nothing, darling. Only darling, darling ! " Billious old gentleman feels quite sick.

- *£'£ little^Scotch boy, on Being rescued by a bystander frorc a stream in which he had fallen, said, "Tm so glad you got me oot 1 What a lickin 1 1 wad ha' had frae my mither

if I had been drooned ! "

— tOonvalescent (to physician): "I see your bill, doctor, calls for 10 dollars. . How much do you charge a visit 1 " Physician : '" Two dollars." Convalescent: " But you only called three times." Physician: "Five times, my friend, three times for treatment and twice for my money." Convalescent: " I guess 1 had better hurry and pay up."

— The other day a Saratoga clergyman asked a stupid fellow who was digging by the roadside if he could tell him where Mr J lived. " Wa'al, no," was the reply ; " but ef you'll ask the chap what keeps the simmetary, he kin tell you, 'cause he knows where every body, lives, whether they're deed Qr alive.";

— An accomplished gentleman, when carving'a tougbTgoose," had the misfortune to send it entirely out of the dish and into the lap of the lady next to him, .on which he very coolly looked her in the face, and, with admirable gravity and calmness, said, " Madam, I will thank you for that goose."

— Young Man (to editor) : " What do you think I ought to get for the poem, sir 1 " Editor: "You ought to get forty shillings " Young Man (overjoyed) : " Oh, that is fully as much as I expected." Editor : " Yes ; forty shillings or a morth."