FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1899, 13 April 1888, Page 35

FUN AND FANCY.

— Smythe, who is something of a connoiseur in art, says his servant girl, who lit the fire with kerosene, was done up in oil. — If an untruth is only a day old it is called a lie ; if it is a year old it is called a falsehood ; but if it is a century old ib is called a legend.

—A Mean Old Man.— "Why, old man, what are you doing on a bicycle?" "It's my only chance to get a little fresh air without taking the old lady along.; see 1 "

— Bride (exchanging bridal costume for travelling dress) : " Did I appear nervous at all during the ceremony, Clara ? " Bridesmaid* (envious): "A little at first, dear, but, not after George had said ' I will.' "

— There is something solemn in the 1 tones of a great bell striking midnight, especially if you are a mile from home, and know that' your wife is sitting behind the hall door waiting for you.

— Young Medical Student (to Old Doctor) r " The profession does not practise bleeding a patient nowadays to any extent, does it; 1 doctor?" Old Doctor (slyly): "Not with the lancet."

—Mistress: "Going to leave, are y'Gu? Tired of working for a living 7 What are you' going to do, then?" Maid: " Nothing,' ma'am. My fortune-teller tells me I'm going to marry money."

— "George, she said, and her manner betrayed anxiety, "what has come over, papa of late 1 He treats you coldly, and evidently tries to avoid you." "He borrowed £10 of me a couple of weeks ago," explained George. — "'Tis strange," muttered a young man,' as he staggered home from a supper party,' "how evil communications corrupt good manners. I've been surrounded by tumblers all the erening, and now I'm a tumbler myself."

— Aunt Minerva (to fashionable niece): " Do you expect to do anything in the direction of charity this winter, Clara?" Miss Clara (brightly): "Oh, yes, aunty. I am already planning my costume for the charity ball."

— Lover (passionately): "My sweet! My darling 1 I love you with all my heart ! Be mine!" Fair Maiden: " Oh, William, this is so sudden; I must have time — " Lover: "No, no I I must have my answer now ; for I have my eye on another girl."

— " The first step towards wealth," says an editor, " is the choice of a good wife." " And the first step towards securing a good wife is the possession of great wealth," says another* Here we have one of those good rules which ' work prettily both ways.

—Brown (to Robinson, who is reading a telegram with a look of anguish on his face) : "What's the. matter, old fellow? Sombody dead ? " (crushing the telegram with both hands): "No; somebody alive 1 Twins 1 "

— Slightly Mixed — " What can you tell me about Esau?" queried the pedagogue. "Esau," responded the youth, with the glib alacrity of one who feels himself for once on safe ground ; " Esau was the writer of fables, who sold his copyright for a bottle of potash." — Christian Union.

— :She (an excellent ' waltzer, to .an awkward partner whose feet seemed to be everywhere but in the right place) : " Dear me, Mr D'Elefant! how awkward I am. Always getting my feet in your way." D'Elefant (with condescending consideration) : " Pray don't mention it."

— " If I should marry Eliza Jane," said the prospective son-in-law, " I will frankly' confess one thing in advance — I am of rather hasty temper, and apt to get angry without cause." " Oh, that'll be all right," blandly replied the dear old lady ; " I shall come and live with you, and I'll see that you always have cause."

—Military Promptness.— Doctor Bradon, when he was rector of Etham, in Kent, one day preached from the text, "Who art thou ? " Jnsfc at the moment he announced it, a military subaltern of the neighbouring post was walking up the aisle, and, hearing the question, he stopped, saluted, and said, "I am, sir, an officer in the Seventeenth Regiment of Foot, on a recruiting party here."

—Quite Another Thing. — "N'est-ce ihxs % Monsieur Duroc, you will be good enough to turn over the music when I play ? " " Ah, Mademoiselle, I don't understand music in the least?" "W,hat? Did I not see you turn over the leaves for' your sister when she was playing just now?" "Oh, that is different! My sister always — steps on my foot when I am to turn over."