FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1893, 2 March 1888, Page 35

FUN AND FANCY.

— At the Theatre. — "Please tell your wife to take off her hat; I can't see anything." " You tell her ; I daren't." —Mrs Brown says her husband is such a blunderer that he can't even try on a new boot without putting his foot in it.

— " Look 'ere, Sal," yelled a Texas woman to her eldest girl, " don't bend over that well so fur 1 You'll fall in some day, and then we'll have to drink from the creek."

— Wife (reproachfully) : " How can you come home in such a condition, John, when only last week you signed the pledge ?" Husband: "I know it— hie— m'dear, but's eashy 'nough t'sign nuzzer." — Life.

— A physician has discovered that the older a man grows the smaller his brain becomes. This explains why the young men know everything and the old men know nothing. —Instructor in Logic (to Mr H.):."By what method of reasoning do you infer that a bullet is hot after it strikes a target ? " Mr H. : "By picking it up, sir." — L'Bnfant Terrible.— Scene : Thanksgiving dinner — everybody commenting on the immense size of the turkey. An appalling silence fell upon the crowd when Tommy cried out : " Mamma ; is that the old soreheaded turkey ? "—Athens, Ga., Woman's Work.

—Indirect Wooing. — Suitor: "Mademoiselle, would you feel inclined to give me an opportunity of celebrating a silver wedding with you in twenty- five years from now 1 " — The three proudest moments in a man's life are : The first time he wears a tall hat ; the first time the girls call him " mister ; " and when the doctor tells him " it's a boy."

—On a First Glance at the Sea.—" Astonishing! Who would have thought there could be as much water as that 1 " " True ; and remember you only see what's on top."

— Family .Physician : " I am afraid you have been eating too much cake and sweetstuff. Let me see your tongue." Little Girl : " Oh, you can look at it, but it won't tell 1 " — "It is love that makes the world go round," we are informed by the poets. It is a somewhat notable fact that a very limited quantity of poor whisky will produce the the same effect.

— A young composer has just written for a soprano voice a beautiful song entitled "Would that I were young again." It has been so much time wasted. The woman can't be found who will sing it. —The latest practical joke of a lively and mischievous young lady was to fill the shower bath of one of her admirers, at a country house where they were staying, with ink. Many lemons were used ere the ill-used one could put in an appearance. — A good-natured traveller fell asleep in a train a short time ago, and was carried a few miles beyond his destination. " A pretty good joke this, isn't it 1 " said he to a fellow passenger. " Yes ; a little too far fetched," was the rejoinder.

— " Why, Georgie," said a girl to her little brother, "I've just heard that you were whipped at school last week. I had no idea of it till I was told a few minutes ago." " Hadn't you I responded Georgie. And then he added with a tone and air of pride : " Why, I knew it ac the time." — Feeling that his death was near at hand, a Turk said to his wife, " Put on your finest costume, the handsomest of your jewels, your most precious stones." "And why, my dear 1 " " Because, seeing you so beautiful, death might perhaps choose to carry you off instead of me." — Eastern Tales.

— Mrs Brown: "You told me that if I left my tablecloth out all night the fruit stains would disappear. Well, I put it out last night." Mrs Jones : "Of course the stains were gone in the morning ? " Mrs Brown : " Yes, and so was the tablecloth."

— He was a bachelor, had travelled extensively, and could speak any language, dead or alive. Hieroglyphics were nothing to him. But when he returned home and talked to his sister's baby, and when it cried and was pacified by its mother saying, " Did his naughty waughty uncle wuncle come homey womey and scarey warey my little putsey wutsey?" he leaned over the back of the chair and wept.

—He Wishes he had Not Said It.— He : " What a lovely fan you have, Miss Edith ? " She : " Yes, I like it. My papa gave it to me. It came from Paris, and is handpainted." He : " Indeed ! And how nicely it matches your complexion ! "

Advicb to MothljßSl— Are you broken in your rest by a sick child suffering with the pain of cutting teeth ? Go at once to a chemist and get a bottle of Mhs WiNSi.ow'B Soothing Sybfp. It will relieve i;he poor sufferer immediately. It is perfectly harmless and pleasant to the taste ; it produces natural quiet sleep, by relieving the child from pVin; and the little cherub awakes "as bright as a button." It soothes the child, it softens the gums, allays all pain, relieves wind regulates the bowels, and is the be3t known remedy for dysentery and diarrhoea whether arising from teething or other causes, Mrs Winslow's Soothing Syrup 1b sold by medi-ciue-dealera everywhere At It IJ4 per battle.— Aj>YT.]