MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS.

Otago Witness, Issue 1874, 21 October 1887, Page 33

MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS.

■The picture these words conjure up should be one of unrivalled beauty, yet what a poor patchy daojb it often is, better hidden away out of sight. Wten we must face it, however, let us do so rsyerently, not with coarse vulgar criticism. There is not a relationship on earth capable of more tender, holy intercourse, more friendship, of pro-, ducingmore beautiful results than that of mother and daughter. Yet we cannot but acknowledge that often there seems but a j link of discord with discord. While the daughter is a little thing she is a daily joy to the mother, she dresses her and fondles her, and seems to see a crown in the child to her own womanhood. It is when the child '. becomes a girl, and the girl develcpes into a woman, that the trouble begins. Let us look | at the matter calmly and fairly from both mother's and daughter's point of view. The girl, perhaps, shows traits of character ex.aotly opposite to those of her mother, or

it may be exactly alike. Take, for instance, a firm will, accustomed to command. The mother commands the growing girl, whose reason is developing, and who feels in- ] stinctively that she is daily becoming more a creature fit to be reasoned with instead of ; being commanded. To a reasonable request the mother says "No," and no it must remain. Mothers to be fair will acknowledge ' that frequently the only reason for the exercise of this command is the love of command. They feel, although they do not say I so, that the day is coming on when their undisputed sway in the domestic circle will be met and combatted by that counterpart, of herself who brings opposing and newer reasoning to bear upan the old rules that have so long had unquestioned sway, and the girl seeing the pride that thwarts her, knowing she is not unreasonable, lets resentment rankle in her heart, and the young woman whom others can love and respect and choose for their friend, realises that her mother and she are not one. Thus the girl looking elsewhere for sympathy, the mother loses her influence ; whereas, had she been willing to sacrifice her love of power, j her desire of absolute rule, she would have extended what is a matter of greater honor to herself and of endless benefit to her j daughter— her influence. It is folly of a mother to resign her post as mistress of the house and let the daughter rule, and with her girlish caprice and youthful impulses upset all arrangements and old- < time customs, but the wise mother will keep out of site as much as possible the hand that holds the reins, and unless it be absolutely necessary, will never let the whip be Been. One who has trained her girls in early years to respond to her word, will find, with few exceptions, that as they grow to womanhood there is little to be feared by relaxing the curb. It is a moat beautiful sight to see the mother and young woman daughter acting towards each other almost as sisters — coffering together, consulting each other, advising, admonishing, cheering, and helping ; always two separate identities with their separate tastes, hopes, and aims, yet always one. Some indignant mother may exclaim, "My daughter admonish me!" Yes, it is not always age that has reason on its side. I have known daughters say : "If I were you, mother, I should not do so and so," etc, "but so gently and respectfully that the mother, far from resenting the prof erred ad vice, falls in with the idea suggested. This happy state of concord is not brought about easily if the early years of the girl's life are neglected, for many mothers indulge the child till it becomes spoilt, and then suddenly put on the check. Others, again, are so cold and distant in their demeanour, that the timid heart of the daughter shrinks from unfolding itself. It may seem a strange thing to say, but you will find upon observation that often a fault-finding tendency in a middle aged mother springs from jealousy of the bright girl's charms and fascinations. Unwilling to be outShone, feeling that she must give place to one younger and more beautiful, she is jealous and spiteful, oven towards her own daughter. This is a nasty thing to say, but any dose observer will admit that much of the " preaching down a daughter's heart" arises from this cause. It is a thousand pities that mothers and daughters should ever disagree. Nor is it always the mother's fault. Many young girls are exacting in their demands, so selfish in their love of pleasure, that they forget the mother's needs and rights, and any exercise' of parental control is resented with temper and disagreeable ways. Ah t shame to say it 1 there are some mothers who have borne the heat and burden of many a wearisome day, only to be slighted in days of failing strength ; and often the daughter— a wife and mother herself— adds to the aging parent's grief by a selfish disregard of those claims which every mother has on her daughter's consideration. The old mother may be crochety and full* of fads — a perfect despot in' her way — ready to misconstrue motives and fancy grievances that do not exist ; but while it may not be good for her peace or the peace of anyone to indulge the whims and fancies, fads and prejudices, surely there is some way of repressing them without crushing the good old heart that has beat faithful to you since first it throbbed beneath your baby check. When the fit of peevishness has passed, the mother will be more ashamed than if you aggravated it. In the latter case she will feel justified. Oh ! women and girls, you can't be happy at war with your mothers 1 You can never deserve, and will never gain, the respect of your own daughters in your old age if they do not see you with all your heart loving and serving your mother. It need not interfere with your other duties. The wishes of a husband, the claims of children, must always, of course, comic first ; but there is a way of blending these sacred relationships into one harmonious whole, and very, very few mothers are so foolish as to take offence at a daughter who cannot meet her wishes because they oppose those of her husband, if the daughter lets her see, apart from this, that she is loved. Old people are hungrier for love, perhaps, than the young. It may be because they are so often passed by and left out (as a matter of course) of the pleasures and attentions in which the young participate. There is a s6rt of understanding that they have " had their day." It is just the knowledge of this that makes them so sensitive. Old scenes, old jcys .all past and gone ! None are so conscious as themselves that they are losing their powers of attraction, and are apt to be "in the way," Deal tenderly with the aging heads, for there is no thought more sustaining than that you have not wilfully added one silvery hair to those so plainly apparent, gave you not known daughters whom others found fanlfc with and blamed, yet for whom the mother always fought, saying, " Whatever her faults may be she was always a good girl to me." Always a good girl to me ! Those words will be worth more to you, daughters, than you can realise. They will strengthen you under many a trial, and will be the best earnest that you can have that your daughter will be a good girl to you also. The knowledge that you have been un*feind to your mother must embitter the sweetest cup. Why, it seems to me the crown of a -woman's womanhood, that the aging mother, beginning to feel her failing powers and doubt her own judgment, should go or' write to her daughter to see what she has got to say

about the matter. • Suppose the matters are trivial and numerous ; oh, happy she who knows her old mother thinks her word weighty— thinks her arm strong enough to lean upon ! Put aside unworthy vexation; look at the aging form : deal gently and playfully with her follies, and join with me in saying, " God bless my mother ! "