FUN AND FANCY.
— We know an engaged young lady who has a parrot which has, learned to make a noise like the smack of a kiss. How it learned it is a mystery.
— A school caught fire, and as the boys watched it, one in another school said, enthusiastically, to his companion : "Johnny, don't you wish it was ours ?"
— It annoys a woman after she has had a child christened by some romantic Indian name to learn that the name translated means old boots.
— A recipe fora certain hot drink vaguely adds, "Then sit on the fire, and stir constantly." Just as if anyone could sit on a fire without stirring constantly.
—On Guard : " Dear friend, could I speak to you a moment alone ??" " Certainly, with pleasure, only I don't happen to have a farthing on me."
— No matter how calm a man may be, he always becomes nervous when, after changing his money from one pocket to another, he dives his hand into the pocket which is empty.
A breezy joke, And friendly poke In the ribs, 'mid laughter mellow, Is never bad, But a man is mad If it's not on the other fellow.
— Whoever doubts that newspapers have a mission ■ should enter a tramcar and see how useful they are to the men when a fat woman with a big basket is looking in vain for a seat.
— Gentleman (holding a revolver in his hand, addressing a trembling burglar): "What do you want?" Burglar (taking in the situation) : " Time to get out."
— Rather Inquisitive. — Diner : " Waiter, bring me some mock-turtle soup." Waiter : " Yes, sir." Diner : " Br— by the way, waiter, can you tell me where you catch these mockturtles this time of year? "
• ' — " Why is . a good housekeeper like the girl of the period?" asks the Rev. E. J. Hardy (the author of " How to be happy, though married.") "Because she makes so much bustle about a little waist."
— A few days ago a very handsome woman entered a country draper's and asked for a bow. The polite assistant drew himself up and remarked that he was at her service. " Yes ; but I want a buff, and not a green one," was the reply.
— Young Woman (timidly to shopman) : " I would like to look at some false hair, please." Shopman (experienced) : " Yes, ma'am. What colour does your friend want ? " Sale effected.
—The Wedding Journey, — He : " Dearest, if I had known that this tunnel was so long, I'd have given you a jolly hug." She : " Didn't you T Why, somebody did ! " — " What is your occupation ?" asked the magistrate, as he beamed at the burglar through his spectacles. " Wot ham I, yer wash up?" replied the burglar in his most silvery tones; "why, a house-cleaner, in course 1"
I— A very considerate hotelkeeper at Geelong, advertising his " Burton, XXXX." concludes the advertisement in the following manner : N.B. — Parties drinking more than four glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting carefully sent home, gratis, in a wheelbarrow, if required."
— A gentleman whose son is a pupil at the High School, to test the young man's knowledge asked him: "What is the difference between the regular and the irregular Greek verbs?" "We get more lickings trying to learn the irregular opes," was the rejoinder, —The patron of a cheap eating-house, who complained that they now gave him one potato with his meat, whereas they formerly gave him two, was mollified by the waiter's explanation — that the last lot of potatoes they purchased was so bad that no gentleman could eat more than one of them.
— "I will save you a thousand pounds." said an Irishman to an old gentleman, "if you don't stand in your own light." " How 1 " "You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten thousand as a marriage portion." "I do." "Sir I will take her with nine thousand." — Why he Suggested Payment in Advance. — Proprietor of a barber's shop : " I would be glad if you would pay in advance."Customer (indignantly) : " What for ? " Proprietor of barber's shop : " Because the man who is going to shave you has the delirium tremens, and if he should cut your throat we should get nothing for the shave."
Log in