FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1834, 14 January 1887, Page 35

FUN AND FANCY.

— " Patience" being given to a little Scotch lad to define, he answered,' "Wait a wee and dinna weary." > — The greatest mental effort that a masher makes is when he has to determine whether to take out his cane or his umbrella.

—Coming home at 2 a.m., he found his wife dressed iv deep black, and inquired the reason. " Mounting for my late husband," she replied. I—A1 — A train was delayed for an hour in Troy, N.Y.; recently, and a drummer remarked to the conductor : " This is a sort of twelve ounces to the pound affair,; ain'tit?" "How's 'that?" "Troy wait, you know."

— Dr Oliver Wendell Holmeß used to be an amateur photographer. When he presented a picture to a friend he wrote on the back of it t » Taken by 0. W. Holmes and Sun.

— She : ♦' And -that-sear, Major. Did you get it during au engagement ? " He (absently; : " No ; the first week] of our honeymoon ! " ' — Tid-bits tells the story of conductor ou a glow railroad who told one passenger that he Lad- been ou the road for nine years. " Then said the passenger, ' this must be your second trip. " —His First Olive.— Quest (rising excitedly from the table, after tasting an olive for the first time) : " It's sorry I'd be to disturb the hilarity of the mating, but I belave some joker's been salting the guseberries ! " —Jack (displaying his feet) : " What do you think of those shoes';' only five dollars. Did you ever hear of anything so cheap ? Mra Jack : "Never. How can they 'sell so much leather for so little money ?" ,• —Judge: "Have you anything to say before the court passes sentence upon you 'i " Prisoner : "Well, all, I got to say is, I hope your honor'll consider the extreme youth of my lawyer, an' lot me off easy." Sing a song of Erin ! a country all awry j Five times twenty statesmen couldn't tell you why. When her case is opened there is a pjecious scene : Isn't that an " Irish stew ". to set before a Qu> eu ? - '• • - - — London Truth.

— All the Difference.-— lt is strange what a small nibble a woman will take out, of apiece of cake when her lover is looking. But with what alacrity she can get 15 clothes pegs iv her mouth on washing day, when she is iv a hurry, and wants to go out iv the afternoon. —The Wrong Moral.— Teacher : " Suppose my watch had no works and J bhould sell it to a man for £10, would you have much re>(j«jct for me ?" Pupil: "I bhould have less for the other feller!" Dean Swift's Epitaph on a Political. Oi-pomot. If Heaven is pleased when sinners cease to sin, If Hell is pleased when ncoundiclt, finer In, If Earth is pleased of ruffians to be rid, Then all are pleased, tor is dead. The Bssr ojk Fkks.

A lawyer, on being asked by a lady the meaning of the term " fee simple," replied :— " Fee-simple, and a simple fee. And all the fees entail, Are nothing when compared to thee, Thou best ot fees, Female."

—Butcher : " What can I sell you to-day ? " Servant Girl : " I've come to order suine roast beef for to-morrow, but let there be plenty of bones." Butcher: "Be plenty of bones ? How's ■that?" Servant: "You see, the money I gets for the bones is my'parkisit" -tA Hero the Future.— Captain : " A brave i&oldier will always be fuund iv battle where the -bullets are the t thickest. You understand me, Meyer ? " Recruit : "• Yes, to command, captain." Captain : " Then whore will >ou be found in a battle?" Recruit: "In the ammunition waggon, captain ; that's where the bullets are the thickest,"

—Judge : " How is it possible that a man can so far forget what is due to his wife as to hurl a wine glass at her head ? " Prisaner : " Your honour don't know my wife?" Judge- "I have not the honour." Prisoner : •' That's what I supposed, If you knew her you would ask me how I- came not to hurl the bottle at her."

— " Do you want to kill the child ? " exclaimed a gentleman, as he saw a boy tip the baby out of its carriage on to the path. " No, not quite," replied the boy ; '• but if I can get him to bawl loud enough mother will take care of him while I go and wade in the ditch with Johnny Bracer."

—A fashion item asserts that " snowballs make a lovely trimming for a tulle bonnet," It may not be unseasonable to observe that in a weeks small . boys will begin to consider snowballs appropriate trimming for rneii'u hats also. , . - . — An old gentleman in Baltimore 1 , who used to btj troubled by youug"men sitting up with bis daughters until a 1 late hour, settled the callers by appearing promptly at 11' o'clock and giving each a ticket to a ten cent lodging house. He never bcoldedtor* acted, hvau, emphatic manner, because there/wasn't ariy ueed.oi it. — Things one would' rather have left unpaid. — Young Lady:, "jWy dear professor, 1 want to thuuk you* for your lecture. ' You made it all ho plain that I could- understand every word." Professor : "I am .truly ' glad jou did understand it. I have studied the subject for 13 years, and I natter myself that I can bring thb subject witbiu the comprehension of tbe weakest intellect.

— A teac-her in one of the grammar schools was giving b«;r class a lesson on ihe avt of putting words into >-eutences. The words selected, with with tboii 1 definition?, were " aqueduct— a conductor," and •• effervesce— to work." One of the sentences handed in read : "My lather is an aqueduct, anil has to effervesce very hard," — Wash a baby up clean and dress him up pretty, and he will resist all advances with a most superlative crossness ; but let him eat treacle, ginger-bread, and pluy round th« coalhox for half au hour, and he will nestle his dear Httlo dirty face' close up to your clean shirt front, and be just tho lovingesfc little rascal in all tbe world.

—Speedy Evolution. — At a house notorious for its hcanty fare, a; gentleman was inquiring of the gardeuer about a dog which he had given to the laird. The gardener showed him a lank 1 greyhound, op which the gentleman said : " No, no. The dog I gave your master was a mastiff, i notr a* greyhound.'' To which the gardened i 'quietly replied:" Ohy doglmicht sune become i agjeyhound by stopping here."

1 , — r~~— ; / . Suffers from Rheumatism, Lumbago. SciaMca, and especially Neuialg a in all its protean forms— a disease that may lie-said to.'l'e indigenous t« New Zealand— should never be>wlthout a bottle of Freeman's Original Chlorodyhe. This wonderful medicine rapidly cures the above diseases. ,Iv Gout, which is allied to thejn, ifcnslargoly prescribed pyJ. i lie Faculty and Laity." No out-station or sheep run in New Zealand should be without Freeman's (Origina 1 Chlorodtfne:"happly described by the New [ ' Zealander as the best andjnost compendious mulUon -in,pa;-vo medicine cbTesttnat the Colonists have ever beea.presente4 with, .People Jeaving for the interior ' 'ntvnHably t&ke r ß"lufficient Supply to last them a twelvemonth. Insist upon having " Freeman s ' j pttly.jStrfad&.inarki ao Elephant. — Hdld everywhere.^ | pipt^'nftble'frdin. aJl?oK«q}9t« an 4