THE MAIDEN AND THE BOOK AGENT. '

Otago Witness, Issue 1832, 31 December 1886, Page 14

THE MAIDEN AND THE BOOK AGENT. '

It happened years ago ■ when I was a young man, and jußt starting, in business as a vendor of 'cyclopaedias* I was, as I said before, young, very young in many ways, particularly in regard to dealing with the public. But I learned my speeches carefully, practised them upon the. manager until he said I would do all right, and started forth. I struck a rich neighbourhood in Brooklyn and began work in earnest. But luck was against me. One door after another was banged in my face until I began to feel tired. I was just thinking about giving up for the day, if not for ever, when I came across a house that^aa made particularly inviting by the presence of a beautiful young girl at the front window. She had a sweet, sympathetic face, and I felt store that stye •vrpnjq npti sfarg tfo& tfoojlfc my

face. I was right. She answered the bell herself, seemed quite pleased to learn that I was an agent, and cordially invited mo in. She said that perhaps her mother wanted the book, in fact she was quite certain that she did. The mother was called. She was one of the roost motherly looking old ladies I ever met. She smiled at me, and I felt that the book was sold. Down I sat beside her on the sofa, and as she turned the leaves of the book in an admiring sort of way I proceeded with my story. The daughter stood at a respectful distance, but I felt sure that she had fallen a helpless victim to my manly charms. As I talked away, the .old lady would turn toward me every few minutes, smile and bow assent, as though she endorsed every statement I made. Well, I guess I had talked fully half an hour, and had got to the end of my yarn. I paused, expecting her to say that she would take it there and then. Judge my astonishment when that dear old soul only turned to her angel-faced girl and remarked : —

11 ' Mammie, darling, if you will get me my ear-trumpet I will now listen to what the gentleman has to say about this book.' Yes, sir ; she was almost as deaf as a stone. Mad? I never felt so wild or so sheepish before or since. I saw that I had been fooled at once, so gathering up my book as quickly as possible sailed forth in as dignified a way as I could under the circumstances. In going down the walk to the gate I glanced up toward the window, and there stood that demure-looking maiden gazing at me with her nose flattened against the pane and a smile upon her delicate lips that nearl> drove me frantic, and made me fell as if I was about six years old." Encouraging Progress. — " Hello, Harry, where have you been ? " "Just been down to see my girl's father and asked him if I might marry her I " " Why that's the thir^ time you've been to see the old man on that errand." " Yes." " Did you get any encouragement ? " •' Lots of it. The first time I went to see 'the old gentleman he called in a servant and had me thrown out. The second time he told me I was an impertinent scoundrel, and showed me the door himself. Quite a concession wasn't it 7 Well, when I went to see him to-day he said he couldn't think of letting his daughter marry me, and I might as well give him a rest.'" "Was that all!" " Yes, I feel greatly encouraged. I think we'll get married about Christmas." — Merchant Traveller. — A tramp's version — " Half a loaf is better than hard work all the time."

— A man must not expect to live in clover simply because he marries a grass widow. — Cnpid may be blind, but he thoroughly regains his sight three or four months after it is everlastingly too late.

— An eloping couple in a New Hampshire town left the following terse note behind : — "We've eloped. Forgive us if 'you can but if you can't, what will you do about it ?"

— A little girl lately wrote to her friend : — " Yesterday a little baby sister arrived, and papa is on a journey. It was but a piece of luck that mamma was at home to take care of it."

— Little Charlie : Papa, will you buy me a drum ? Fond Father : Ah, but, my boy, you will disturb me very much if I do. Charlie : Oh, no, papa, I won't drum except when you're asleep.

— "Why, yes," said Blobson, speaking of a logical conclusion to Mrs Popinjay, and rather allowing his earnestness to get the better of him, " it's perfectly plain to me — as plain as you are."

— " The doctor pronounces it pleuro-pneu-monia," observed the man who was reading the paper for the benefit of the -crowd. " Well, that's the way Webster pronounces it," testily replied a bystander.

— " Do you put an •c ' in whiskey here 1" asked a new reporter of a Kentucky paper. "No," replied the editor, who was slightly deaf ; "we put nothing in whisky here. We take it straight."

— " Yes," said the old man, "my sons are very ambitious, and they are getting along well. One is the captain of a towboat, and the other is a physician, and each is trying his best to see which can make the most money." " Ah," said the listener, " a sort of heal and tow match, as it were."

— Napoleon I, being asked whether he could defeat the armies of England, answered : " Able was I ere I saw Elba," which is a palindrome. Another is: "Haw and snug was I ere I saw guns and war." Palindromes read the same forward or backward.

— Father: "What ought I do to a boy who is lazy and disobedient ; who has no respectfor his parents ? What should be done to that kind of a boy ?' Son : Don't, for heaven's sake, talk him to death. Give me the lickin' that's comin' to me, an' be done with it."

— "Two missionaries were attacked and surrounded by a negro warrior," said the pastor. " I don't see how one nigger could surround two missionaries," said a deacon. " By absorption, my dear deacon," said the pastor. " The negro ate the missionaries." — Her Thorn. — "Where have you been, Jane?" "I've been to a meeting of the Girls' Friendly Society, ma'am." " Well, and what did the lady say to you?" "Please, ma'am, she said I wasn't to give you warning, as I meant to. She said I was io look upon yoa as my thorn — and bear itl" — Punch.

— This is the season when people stay up all night for fear of not being awake in time to catch the excursion train, start away for a day's pleasure tired, sick, and weary, and come home so completely fagged out that it takes them a week to recover. Fun ? Why, of course it is the height of fun.

— Deafness and Ignorance. — Mrs Pendergast: " I've been in luck again, I bought a Rembrandt yesterday for three thousand dollars." . Mrs Van Dusen (illiterate and slightly deaf) : Three thousand dollars for a remnant 1 Why, bless my soul, what sort of goods was it ? You should have bought the whole piece for that.— Philadelphia Call. — Preparing for High Life. — "Yes," said the mother, " Mary is very ambitious. She Vows she wfll ojarry a ( oreion ct?w* &y axnoe

grandee of some kind, and she wants to be accomplished." " Accomplished ?" " Yes. Nothing will satisfy her short of being fitted to become the wife of a nobleman," " And are you educating her ?" " Yes; lam teaching her how to wash and iron." — " One of my ancestors won a battle during the crusades by his skill in handling his artillery," said the baron. "But, my dear baron," said his friend, " at the time of the crusades gunpowder had not yet been discovered." " I know that as well as you do, and so did my ancestor." " How did he win the battle then?" "He brought his artillery to bear on the Saracens, and the stupid fools, seeing the guns, supposed that powder had at last been discovered, and fled in dismay." — A newsboy, who was eating away at a yellow banana, while he had two red ones stuffed into his pockets, was approached by another and aaked : " Did you get that tintype took for 10 cents?" "Nawl" "Too cloudy ?" " Naw. I was on my way to the gallery when bananas dropped to three fur 10 cents, and I took advantage of the decline. Tin-typeß are always 10 cents, but bananas bob up an' down." x — The Angels Justified. — The new baby had proved itself the possessor of extraordinary vocal powers, and had exercised them much to Johnny's annoyance. One day he said to his mother : " Ma, little brother came from Heaven, didn't he ? " " Yes, dear." Johnny was silent for some time, and then went on : " Say, ma." " What is it, Johnny ? " "I don't blame the angels for bouncing him, do you ? " — Merchant Traveller. — At the Hospital. — Lecturer in surgery (to medical students): "You see, gentlemen, how skilfully this bandage has been fixed ; the man has now worn it for a week, and it has not moved a halr's-breadth out of its place." Patient: "Aye, aye, doctor, you made a good job of it, sure enough, but it did hurt."' The bandage was removed, and behold ! it had been stitched to the skin. — Der Schalk.

— A teacher took an apple from one of his boys during school hours. After a while the teacher ate the apple while the pupils were busy with their sums. The lad, noticing this, began to cough. " What is the matter with you?" inquired the teacher.' "Oh, please, sir," answered the little boy, "the apple has gone down the wrong way." — What Made Him " Touchy " on a Certain Point.— Algy : " Do you think, my love, your father will consent to our marriage 1 " Angely : "Of course papa will be very sorry to lose me, darling." Algy : " But I will say to him that instead of losing a daughter he will gain a son." Angely : " I wouldn't do that, love, if you really want me. Papa has three Buch sons boarding here now, and he's a little touchy on the point." .

— Not Qualified to Pronounce Judgment.-r-A negro woman waß brought before a Southern judge, charged with oruelly beating her son, and was receiving the -regulation reprimand, when she suddenly exclaimed, " Jedge, has you ever been the parient of a wuffless yallar boy like dat ar' cub o' mine 1 " "Certainly not," replied the judge with a vehemence which must have accounted for his face becoming very red. " Den don't you talk," contemptuously replied the black woman.

— A gentleman was very much disgusted at the frequent appearance at his house of a mendicant, so he said to him: — "Now, look here, this is the third time you have been here begging this week. That's too much." " Never mind. Don't let that worry you. I don't live far from here and walking gives me an appetite. If I can stand it, you ought not to complain," was the consoling reply. — A curious effect which the constant repetition of one part has upon an actor is that, after playing it for a great length of time, he is apt to forget his lines and take up wrong cues. A story is told of an English performer, who, after playing one part for a. very long time, forgot his lines one night. " It's very strange," said the stage manager, when the actor came off, " that you are not perfect in that part by this time." "Well," said the actor, " do you expect me to remember it for ever ? "