PUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1824, 5 November 1886, Page 36

PUN AND FANCY.

—"Although unseen, my influence is felt," remarked the lively flea, —Always forgive yolir enemies— especially those you can't whip. # , —Age before beauty— A pieceof spnngchicken ob a pretty girl's plate. ' When you hear a man say " Life is but a dream," tread on his corns and wake him up. Life is real. m —Woman's greatest glory is her hair, and she should be very economical of it when she is

cooking. —An old lady of 70, being left a widow and •destitute, on being asked what she should do to make a living, said : " I'm sure I cannot tell, ■unless I become a ballet girl. "How can I leave thee," serenaded the young man under the window. The family stood it as long as possible, and then the old man let the dog out to figure on the problem. —At the Seashore.— "Yes, I have seen the day when Mr Rich, the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet." "And when wasthat, pray ?" "At the time he was bathing." —Climbing the Catskills, the Boston girl will Bay "The exertion essential to ascent causes me excessive fatigue"; whereas the Chicago irirl exclaims " Great Scott ! I'm done up ! _A girl suffering from lockjaw was left alone with a mouse by the shrewd physician, and she c jntrived to open her mouth enough to give a yell that made the crockery in the china closet rattle. A. Countryman's Explanation. — Country yokel to his son, at a concert, during the performance^, duet : "D'ye see, Tom, now it's getting late, they're singing two at time, so as to get done sooner." . —Father-in-law: "Perhaps, sir, you think I'm coing to supportyou for the rest of your natural Fife." Son-in-law : " Well,l don't know why you shouldn't. I took your daughter off your hands." —Little Fanny Dempsey.who was suffering from toothache, remarked to her mother in the prescence of company, " Oh, mamma, how lucky •you ate t When you have the toothache you can take them out." —Good for the Proprietor.— A sign in the rooms of a hotel read as follows •• " Indian clubs and dumb-bells will not be permitted in any of the rooms. Guests in need of exercise can go down to the kitchen and pound a steak." Some paragrapher has at last discovered the meanest man. It is ho who, when he attends.church, occupies a pew the furthest from the pulpit to save the interest on his money while the collectors are passing the plate for contributions. Our poet says the submarine telegraph "is like using the lightning conductor for a steel pen and the ocean for an inkstand." He might have added that the cliffs furnish the Wetting pad, the shore supplies the svid, and the whole earth the sheet of paper to>rate upon. A cauple were riding' out in the country, ■when they passed a barnyard in which were two calves. The young lady observed : "Oh see those two little oowlets." " You are mistaken," remarked the young man, " they arenot cowlets, butbuUe^' . — The man who can exquisitely cut his piece of Die with a fork is not deserving of all the Maise of the dinner table. He who can most v/quickly shove Ms plate over the grease spot that appears on the tablecloth when he spills the gravy is entitled to wear the laurel crown. —An English admiral, being about to engage a Spanish vessel, thus addressed his men : "My good fellows, never let it be said that we, who live on prime beef and mutton, were beaten by those who have nothing to eat but oranges and lemons." —Rejected addresser: "Yes; and she demanded back her letters, the perfidious oreature." Ned : " Well I suppose you'll send'm back. She ha 3 served you very cruelly, but "— R. A. : " Stop ; that's not all, old man. By mistake I sent her a bundle of letters I've been reeeiring from another girl." —Mrs. Peterby hired Matilda Snowball as a cook, but in about a week she had occasion to «»y to her : " When I hired you, you said you didn't have any male friends coming around, *nd now I find a man in the kitchen half the time." " Why, ma'am, breßS your soul, dat man ain't no male friend obmine. He am only my fcusbaad," was the reply. —At a recent election in the north, a son of Vulcan was asked by the village doctor whiph ■of , the candidates he would vote for. Stepping ttp closely to the doctor, he whispered in his ear, •' Con you keep a secret?" The doctor eagerly replied, "Yes." "Saecan I," said tha blacksmith, .ob with a pauky smile he passed on. —Stranger (to Cincinnati butcher) : What's the price of bologna sausage? Butcher : Veil, abowit f eef tin tollar a minder b veight. Stranger : —How much is it a pound ? Butcher : Vat ! You pay bologna sausage by der single pound? You vas a stranger in Cincinnati ? de V. is looking over her linen. M Why, Flo,"she says to thelaundrymaid, ♦♦ how is it you have not marked all my pocket handkerchiefs with my initials?" "I have done so, madam ', I stitched the letters of your name on the first handkerchief and marked all the others ♦ditto.'" —Politics. — The time mßy come when politics will mean all that is noble and good, when a small boy will break an apple in two and give ' his little sister the bigger half, when a tramp will work and a stray dog won't bite, but the day will never dawn when a fly can tickle a drowsy .man's nose without getting itself disliked. . A humane man grabbed a club, jumped in tmA killed a goat that was chasing a man down the efceeet, who carried a red handkerchief in Jus coaMgul pocket, and the man came back and asked him why he did it. "To save you," replied the iuua#ne man. " Save me, be hanged ! " cried the other, " I've just Lought that goat and was coaxing him howa." _ —The Ruling Passion Strong in Death. — A 'stranger loitering about a mill the other day was ctught by a belt and drawn into the machinery. He was taken out in v dying condition, but smiled faintly as lie remarked to his rescuers : * I see you are determined that I shall no longer remain incog." He was a professional humorist