His Story.

Otago Witness, Issue 1812, 13 August 1886, Page 35

His Story.

It happened to me myself. I was en* gaged at a London hospital then, and my duty was to smother the people that didn't seem likely to get better when the beds were wanted. I used to do it in the middle of the night with a pillow. Its a regular thing in the hospitals, you know. Well, one night I was just going to create accommodation for one, when my hand was seized from behind. It was one of the nurses» "Not him,", 'she said; ".here, I want you." She slipped a fiver into my hand, and led me to an open casement. With the moonlight streaming on her raven tresses she told me a fearful tale. "He was was in love with me once," she said, '" and I don't want him murdered ; besides he has a mission to accomplish, and. he'll get better." "What's his mission 1 " I said. She drew me from the ray of the moonbeams into thes dark shadows that fell upon, the, wall. "He has a torpedo in his inside." "Impossible I" I exclaimed, preparing to dive under a bed. "Do not be alarmed ; it is one of his own invention. He made it no bigger than a pill, and swallowed it by mistalse. It

has made him very ill, but so long as he lives it will remain intact ; if he dies by violence it will explode." "Then he mustn't die herel" " Certainly not ; he wants to utilise his invention for the benefit of society. To-morrow he will be removed in a cab to his residence. There he proposes to manufacture torpedo pills for the million. They will regenerate society. People will be able to live unmolested and at peace. No man will dare to kick his wife for fear of exploding her torpedo. No cabman will dare to run over a pedestrian lest he be blown to atoms. Murder will mean the immediate execution of the assassin. War will be impossible ; the killing of the enemy's soldiers would be the annihilation of your own troops. The torpedo pill will be harmless during an unmolested life and a quiet death, but deadly the moment violence is attempted. Ah I what was that ?" Terrified by the nurse's exclamation, I listened. For a moment there was a hissing sound from one of the beds, and then — and then a loud report. The hospital shook to its foundation, the walls rocked, the roof went up in the air, and the building collapsed — a heap of crumbling ruins, The man with the torpedo had gone off.

How we escaped I don't know ; but the nurse and myself were found senseless outside a public house in the next street by two policemen, We have talked it over since, and we think the man struck himself in the chest accidently. His loss was a loss to humanity, for no one possesses the secret of his torpedo pills.— Jack and Jill.

Use for All Things. — A border farmer whose practical mind soared above a taste for things beautiful, had the good or bad fortune to marry a wife who brought with her a wooden substitute for one of her nether limbs. On .being remonstrated with on the exercise of his choice, John answered his questioner in a manner that showed he had the shrewd utilitarian character of a Scotchman. "Hech, sirs," says he, it's maybe no'a verra.bonnie thing to marry a woman wi a wudden leg ; bufc, man, she'll be awfu' usefu' at settin' time when I'm puttin' doon, my cabbages, neeps or tatties. She can gang on in front an' mak' a hole wi' her stump, while I come ahint an' put in the seed.

Satisfied with Them. — "Let me see some of your black kid gloves,' 1 ' said Mrs Snaggs to a clerk at a Fifth Avenue store. "These are not the latest style, are they ?" she asked, when the gloves were produced. "Yes, madam," , replied the clerk," "we have had them in stock only two days,"

"I didn't think they were, because the fashion-paper says that the black kids have tan stiches and vice versa. I see the tan stitches, but not the vice versa."

The clerk explained that vice versa was French for seven buttons, and Mrs Snaggs bought the gloves. — Pittsburgh Chronicle.

Substitute foe Propane Sweabing. Adapted to Various Sorts and Conditions of Men. — Lawyer : Tax my bill. Doctor : Dash my draughts, Soldier: Snap my stock. Parson: Starch my surplice. Bricklayer: 111 be plastered. Bricklayer's labourer : Chop my hod. Carpenter : Saw me Plumber and glazier: Solder my pipes; smash my panes. Painter : I'm daubed. Brewer: I'm mashed. Engineer : Burst my boiler. Stoker: Souse my coke. Costermonger : Eot my taters. Dramatic author : Steal my French dictionary. Actor: I'll be hissed. Tailor: Cut me out ; cook my goose. Linendraper : Soil my silks ; sell me off. Grocer : Squash my figs ; sand my sugar ; seize me scales. Grocer : Knead my dough ; scorch my muffins. Auctioneer : Knock me down.

A Reid Cabbage. — Any young orator or actor may gain the assurance necessary to face an audience without agitation. Let him remember the anecdote of the young priest who was not startled in the midst of a simple sermon by his bishop suddenly appearing robed in his full canonicals. The sermon was completed with as much ease and self-possession as it began. At its close the bishop asked if his presence had disturbed the preacher. " No, your lordship, 1 ' was the reply, " I always regard my audience as so many cabbage-heads, and the presence of a red cabbage among them makes no difference 1 " In brief, a wholesome nonchalance in regard to one's audience is much to be desired. The audience are only human after all. And even the critics are not gods. Lefc us, then, be calm.

— It is curious how much faster an omnibus goes when you are running for it than it does when you are riding on it. — "What did you bring this man in for?" said the captain to an officer who had just brought in a man somewhat under the influence of liqaor. " The man was full," replied the officer. "Suppose he was," said the captain. •* He was behaving himself, wasn't he?" "Yes, eir; but he was full, so I thought I would run him in and let his friends come and bale him ont»

Remember This.

If you are «lck, HOP BITTERS will surety aid Nature in making yon well when all else fails.

If yeu are costive or dyspeptic, or are suffering from any other of the numerous diseases ot itie stomach or bowels; it is your own fault it you remain ill, for HOP BITTERS is a sovereign remedy in alt such complaints.

I( you are Nervous, use HOP BITTEBS.

If you have rough, pimply, or sallow skin, nad breath, pains and aches, and feel miserable generally. HOP BITTERS will give you fair akin, rich blood, and sweetest breath and health.

That poor, bedridden, invalid wife. Bister, mother °'«25Jl&«!V£ n teroade the picture of heaKh by AMERICAN COMPANY'S HOP BITTERS, costing but a trifle. Will you let them 6uff«r i

In abort, they cure air Diseases of the Stomach. Boweto. Blood. Liver, flervei, Kidneys. BnghU Disease. «500 will be paid for a ca S e they will not cure or help. Druggists and Ohemiats keep.

PROSKCUTE THB SWINDLERS ! ! If when ™ii call for American Hop Bitters (see grten tvng of Hops on the white label and Dr Souk's namt blown m the bottle), the vendor hands out any thing but American Hop Bitters, refuse it and shun that vendor as you would a viper, and if he has taken your money for anything else, indict, him for the fraud and bub him for damages ior the swindle and we wiU P»y f you liberally for the conviction, g