FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 181, 6 August 1886, Page 36

FUN AND FANCY.

— Dunner — " See here, I'm tired running here after that bill of mine." Servant — " An' why don't yer kape yer bill at home thin ?" — Why are seeds, when sown, like gate-posts ? — Because they are placed in the ground to prop-a-gato.

— A dude who was walking in Annapolis between two ladies caused a street urchin to remark : " There ain't much ham in that sandwich."

— She : " And that scar, Major. Did you get it during an engagement " ? He (absently) : " Engagement ? No ; the first week of our honeymoon." — Judy. — No woman ever answers a call by telephone without smoothing down her hair, working up a smile, and trying to make a good impression on the transmitter.

— " How can I tell classical music ?" That is easy onough. When you see everybody applaud and look relieved after the piece is finished, then you can know that it is strictly classical.

— A Belgiau physiologist conclude.", after laborious investigation, that insects cannot distinguish the shape of bodies by sight. No, but they get there just the same. — A Protest. — A town girl saw a hen preparing to gather her chickens under her sheltering wings, and shouted earnestly : "O ! don't sit clown on those beautiful little birds, you great, ugly old rooster!" — Modem Social Probloms— Susceptible Youth: " Will you prespnfc me to that young lady with the black fan?" Hostess: "With pleasure, if you will tell me her name — and yours. — Punch.

— A Negro, after gazing at some Chinese, shook his head and said solemnly "If de white folkd be so dark as dat out dar, I womier what's de colour ob de black folks ?"

— A Noracastrian undertaker has struck out an original line iv announcing his funerals in the following terms : — "Why live and be miserable, when you can be buried comfortable for £3 10s

— Guest — " Waiter, bring me some rice pudding." Waiter — "Boss, I can't jess recommend de ricepudding to-day." Guest—" What's the matter with it ?" Waiter — " Nuffin', 'cept dar ain't none."

— " Do you think your father is going to move very soon ?" enquired tho owner of a rented house of a son of his tenDaut. " Reckon so," was the reply, " for we've begun using window frames for firewood."

— Phrenological Development. — Phrenologist — " Your bump of imagination is abnormally large, sir. You should write poetry." Citizen— "I do write poetry. Only yesterday I took a poem to an editor, and that lump you are feeling of is where he hit me. Don't bear on it so hard."

—After a change of Government three felons received a free pardon. On receiving intimation of the fact one of them spoke up : " Why, what have we done, I should liko to know, that we should be turned off like this in the middle of winter ?" — Fliegonde Blatter.

— Gojjglesop — "Very stupid girl that Miss Wilpin." Hamworth— " How so." " Why you see were guessing conundrums the other evening, and I asked her what the difference was between myself and a donkey." "Well?" "Well! Why, by Jove, she said she didn't know !"

— Scene— Crystal Palace, London.— Yankee Visitor (addressing a policeman on duty): "I calculate stranger, that if they keep you much longer under this glass roof you'll be in a fair way of sprouting." Bobby (dospondingly) ; "No fear of that, guvnor; they don't keep me moist enough."

— Client (to lawyer) : "I am afraid the physician's testimony will convict me." Lawyer (reassuringly) : " Don't be alarmed about that. I'll read up a little about poison in the stomach, and in ten minutes, I'll have that doctor in a cold sweat, and make the judge and jury think he is a hired perjurer."

— Hungry enough for anything. — " Waiter, bring me a chop, please, rather well done. Look sharp ; I'm in a hurry." " Very sorry, sir, but we haven't a chop in the 'ouse to-day." " Well then, I'll have a steak." " Just as bad as before, sir, for we haven't a steak left." " Oh, well, what joints have you?" "None, sir." "Wha-a-t! No cho;>3, no steaks, no joints ? What have you got then ? " " Got the bailiffs in,' unfortunately." " Bailiffs, eh ? " (.sharpening his knife on his fork). " Well, bring in a bailiff ! " — The other morning at the Tombs, before one of our courteous Police Justices, a war of words waxed hot and furious between two distinguished lawyers of that locality. " Sir," said one, in a vigorous aside, " you are a confounded liar." " Sir," responded the other, " you ate an infernal fool." "Gentlemen, gentlemen," en-, treated the courteous Judge, " you will kindly address your observations to the Court."— N. Y. Sun.

— One of the merry jests which serve to while away the time in executive session, in Washington, is stuffing paper under the hatband of some lordly senator accused of having a "swelled head." His senatorial brethren then approach him with grave solicitude, ask after his healtk, warn him against apoplexy and advise him to go to a doctor. His head feels bigger than usual, and he goes.

— Stranger (to follow passenger) : " Excuse me, but am I not right in taking you for a professional man?" Fellow passenger: "Yes, sir." Stranger : " Thanks. It's not often that I make a mistake in judging my fellow men. Your work is head work altogether, of course?" Fellow Passenger : " Ob, yes, sir, entirely so." Stranger: "Er — lawyor?" Fellow Passenger: " No, sir ; barber."

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