A New Fashioned Girl.

Otago Witness, Issue 181, 6 August 1886, Page 35

A New Fashioned Girl.

She'd a great and varied knowledge, picked up at a female college, of quadratics, liydroslatics, and and pneumatics very vast ; She was stuffed with erudition as you stuff a leather cushion, all the ologies of the colleges and the knowledges of the past ; She has studied the old lexicons of Peruvians and Mexicans, their theology, authropology, and geology o'er and o'er ; She know all the forms and features of prehistoric creatures — ichthyosaurus, plesiosaurus, megalosaurns, aud many more ; She'd describe the ancient Tuscans, and the Basques, and the Etruscans, their- griddles and their ket- v ties, and the victuals that they gnawed ; She'd discuss the learned charmer, the theology of Brahma, and the scandals of the Vandals, and the sandals that they trod ; She knew all the mighty giants, and the .masterminds of science, all the learning that was turning in the burning mind of man. But she couldn't prepare a dinner for a gaunt and aud hungry sinner, or get up a decent supper for her poor voracious papa; t for she never was constructed on the old domestic plan.

Bed-pepper Papjebs.— Many characteristic stories have been told of Senator Hayden, of Vanburen County, who was a member of the State Legislature when Gov, Bingham was elected United States Senator for Michigan. The supreme moment had come. It was a caucus certainty that the Governor would go through. Hayden's name was called. He arose in his place and responded : "Kinsley S. Bingham; and may God forgive me!" A few nights later Senator Hayden was at a dinner party, where the mischievous Rnfus Hosrner introduced him to Mrs Bingham, wife of the Senatorelect. "Hayden, Hayden? said the lady, musingly. " Pray, Mr Hayden, are you the Senator Hayden who asked God to forgive him for voting for my husband ?" " Yes, madam, yes," replied Hayden, " but I'm very much afraid He wont do it."— Detroit Free' Press.

Practice Makes Perfect.— "Do you know any mitigating circumstances in your case ?" said a Texas justice to Sam Johnsing, accused of stealing. " Lerame off dis time."

" Is it your first offence ? "

" Fust offence, sah."

" How did you manage to get the chickens so cleverly without disturbing the dog that was in the yard ? "

" Dat comes from practice, boss," said Sam, who felt flattered by the remarks of the court.

The Wrong Knife—" I beg your pardon ' sir," respectfully observed a waiter in a New York restaurant to a gentleman who was laboriously sawing a tough piece of beefsteak with a dull knife; "but you have the wrong knife." "Eh?" "Yes", sir," continued the waiter, as he handed him' another knife, with an edge that was almost as keen as a razor's. "You have the tender loin knife. You see," went on the servitor, " most people judge meats by the way they cut. When a steak cuts easily, they say it's tender, so we keep a set of knives here for' each kind of meat. When a man orders fillet of beef, we give him a dull knife ; when he orders sirloin, we give him one a little sharper ; and when he calls for a round, we give him a razor blade. We keep the sharpest knives for the toughest meat. In this way we save lots of grumbling and please everyone."

God Bless oue Home. — A traveller in Western lowa noticing on the wall of the parlour of the hotel the legend lot, on parle Francais, said to the proprietor : •' Do you speak French ? " " No, United States is good 'nough for me." " Then why do you keep that legend on the wall ?" " That means 4 French is spoken here.' " "Is that so 1 " " Certainly ! " " Well, I'm a half breed from up the Missoury, if a feller with a wart on his nose didn't sell me that for a Latin motto : " God bless our home."

The Advantage of Being Deaf. — A man afflicted with deafness took a prescription to a Topeka druggist, who filled it with care and in the latest style. The deaf man asked the price, when the following talk occurred : Druggist leaning on the counter and smiling in a won't-you-pay-up sort of manner — " The price is seventy-five cents." Deaf customer — " Five cents ? Here it is." Druggist (in a louder noice) — " Seventy-five cents please." Deaf Customer— " Well, there's your five cents." Druggist (in a very lond voice and very firm manner)— "l said seventy-five cents." Deaf customer (getting angry)—" Well, what more do you want ? I just gave you your Jive cents." Druggist (sotto voce)— " Well go to thunder witli'your medicine ; I made three cents any way."