FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1805, 25 June 1886, Page 28

FUN AND FANCY.

— The first woman to wear a bustle stole the idea from a camel.

— There is one tiling which cannot be " slow and sure," and that is a watch.

— A trashy publishing house is liko a chimney. It issues volumes that go up in smoke. \

—The quickest way for a young man to become a millionaire is to marry a millionairess.

— A common sight at the theatre — Ballet girls in smiles and bald-headed men in tiers.

— " We were both victims of .1 too heavy load,'' as the burst gun said to the drunken sportsman. •- " All fl 3sh is grass."' If this be true, the fat woman in the dime museum must be a hay-stack. — " It is always the beginning of Lent at our house " " I don't, understand you." "Well, we have hash Wednesday there all the year round." — " Isn't your account of the elopement rather coloured, Peters 1 " asked a city editor of his Jhgporler. "No more so than the parties siboth wore negroes." — " Arc these soaps all of one scent ? " inquired a lady of a juvenile salesman at a State street notion store. "No ma'am," he replied, " they are all ten cents." — Negro Chimney Sweep: "Hab yerchiruuey cleaned out ter-day, sah ? " Teutonic Gentleman : " Mem poy, Yimmy, vos cleaned out last veek. He's tead."

— " Mary, do you know what a miracle is ?" said a lady Sunday-school teacher to one of her class. " Yes'm ; ma says if you don't marry our new parson it will be a miracle." — " Shall our daughters whistle ?" demands a New York editor. Unless their pa is in better circumstances than most editors they will have to whistle — for their spring bonnets.

— " What is all this bustle about ? asked a Newport wag of another, on seeing a recently fallen lady's bustle on the sidewalk. " It's not about what it was before it fell," replied the other. — "Are you musical, Mrs O'Rafferty ? " " Indade I'm not, but I wish that I was. It is my right hand that I'd give if I could play on the pianny as well^as some of the great musical performers "

A HOVIXK COQUETTE. A farmer once called his «>«' '• Zephyr," She sewned such au amiable hephyr." When the farmer drew near She kicked off his ear, Aud now t)ie old farmer's much ilephyr. '-^Adoring GrancTraother : "Jsn't he a

lovely child ? " Calm Visitor : " Yes ; he is a nice little baby." Adoring grandmother : " And so intelligent 1 He just lies there all day and breathes, and breathes, and BREATHES." , — There is one streak of consolation in marrying a girl with a squint. You never need to fear her daring you to look her square in the face when you are explaining how it happens that you are late from your club. — '• Sue puts on a great many airs, does she not ? " said Mildred, while discussing an acquaintance. " Airs ? " replied Amy, " that doesn't begin to express it. She just piles cyclones on the, top of hurricanes."

—An authority says that black eyes are indicative of passionate ardour in love. But the rule cannot be invariable, for we have seen some very black eyes which we are sure indicated a passionate ardour in rage— on the part of some other fellow. .

— An Enviable Man. — Lord Melbourne professed a desire to serve John Black (178.31855), journalist and editor of the Morning Chronicle, who declined the offer on the ground that he "lived happily on his income." " Then, by Jove, I envy you," said the peer, " and you're the only^inan I ever did."

— A petition for divorce says the woman in the c;ise told the man " that she did not love him ; that she heartily dispised him and wished he was dead, so she could laugh at his funeral ; " she was high tempered, extravagant, and refused to cook, wash, or sew.

— Landland to new boarders: I suppose your dear little boy would like to drink a glass of milk ! " Dear little boy, oblivious to the maternal pinch: "Not much! Pa. said, last night, that we'd see your cow first. He said you looked like some darned compound yourself ! "

— -.Scene at the Theatre. — Irate old gentleman who has been disturbed by the ceaseless chatter of a party of young people near him: " Say, young man ! What did you come to this place for?" Flippant youth: "Well, old follow ! I came to have a good time, and I am getting along nicely, thank you ! "

— A well-known Boniface in a northern country had a goose presented to him for hid Christmas dinner. On going into the pantry on Christmas morning, he found that '• the bird had flown." He suspected three jovial friends, one of whom, afterwards sympathising with him, said, "It was only a lark." " Lark be hanged !" said he ; "it weighed ten pounds."

--An Unprejudiced Criticism.--Highly-ed-ucated Teuton, who knows everything : "Der fault I haf to find mit der English is dob it has not dot pcrspikooity dot ter Tcherman has. Now, for oxample, in ter English you say ' science' Dot conveys no idea. In Tcherman we haf der simple vord, ' Wissonschaftlichen,' vich is melodious and comprehonsif. It is der same mit your papers. You haf a Real Estate Journal. Dot is three words. Tcherman we say ' Grundiegenthurnzeifcung,' in one. It is more flexible. In your theatres you have a paper called der Entr'acte. We call such a paper Theaterswischenaktszeitung. It is more peautiflul. English is a weak langwitch ; unt, pesides, Tchermans speak it unt write it petter as der English."

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