FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1797, 30 April 1886, Page 28

FUN AND FANCY.

— When a man is about to sneeze he had rathei do that than anything else in the world.

- -Why is a quack like a locomotive ?—? — Because he cannot go on without puffing.

— A son of toil struck his cow with a horny hand. She then showed him the use of a handy horn.

— Why is X the most unfortunate of tlio letters ? Because it is always in a fix and never out of perplexity.

— It was found in Cincinnati that twent}--oue men who had married red-headed girls were colour blind.

— The oddest mnemonic curiosity is that a woman who never knows her own age knows in half an hour that of all her female friends.

— The man who went to the country for " rest and change " says the waiters got most of his change and the landlords the rest.

— " Sermons in ytones." — Pickens County, Ga., has a post-office named Talking Rock. The origin of the name is thus stated : Someone discovered in the vicinity a large stone, upon which had been painted the words, " turn me over." It required considerable strength to accomplish this, and when it was done, the command, " now turn me back, and let me fool somebody else," was found painted on the underside of the stone.

—As Fat Hogan sat enjoying his connubial bliss upon the banks of a southern creek, he espied a .turtle emerging from the .stream. " Och hone ! "' ho exclaimed solemnly : " that ivei T should come to America to see a snuffbox \v«sk!" "Whist!" said Iris wife; " don't bo af tin t 1 making fun of the birds 1" When the King of Portugal was in England, Queen Victoria presented Sir Edwin Landseer to his Majesty as a painter whose works she had been collecting. "Ah, Sir Edwin," exclaimed the King, " delighted to make your acquaintance, I am always vcrv fond of beasts."'

—A physician, examining a student as to his progress;, asked him :— " Should a man fall into a well forty feet deep, and strike his, head against one of the tools with which he had been digging, what would be your course if called in as a surgeon ? " The student replied — " I should advise them to let the man lie and fill up the well."

— " What would you do if I were blown up with gunpowder ?" said Abernethy to a student. " Wait till you came down again ! "' replied the student. "And supposing I kicked you for giving an impertinent answer, what muscles should I put in action ?" " The flexors and extensors of my arm," said the young man, " for 1 should floor you to a dead certainty !" Oh ! the chemist who was wise, Did a golden scheme devise, To meet the football season, aud its harvest of disaster ; lie took a little shop, And filled it to the top With crutches, slings, atid bandages, Hut, liniment, and plaster. — The Jockey's Opinion. — A gentleman was trying a horse one day in company with the owner, a professional jockey. Having driven him a mile or two, the gentleman, who noticed that he pulled pretty hard, requiring constant watching and a steady rein, .si'id — " Do you think that is just the horse for a lady to drive ?" '• Well, sir, answered the jocke;, , "1 must oonffcss I shouldn't want to marry 1 lie woman that could drivo that hor=.o !"

V\i ndi-iing a Keapon.- A teetoI allcr, a day or tv> o ago, met ;>, workman* oi' veij diunken habits, and said to him, "Do

you never think of joining us ? Think how it would benefit you." " Xoa, noa," was the reply ; " I like to sue folks joiniu' ye, becass the mair thor is what's teetotal tlior'll be the mail 1 drink for them what's not."

— A man going home from his work at a late hour in the night saw that the occupants of a house standing flush with the street had left a window up, and he decided to warn them and prevent a burglary. Putting his head into the window, he called out: " Hallow ! Good poop — " That was all he said A whole pailful of water struck him in the face. And as he staggered back, a woman shrieked out: "Diriu'fc 1 tell you what you'd got if you wasn't home by nine o'clock '("

—War was in his Heart.— The minister was struggling to put on a four-ply collar, and the perspiration was starting from every pore. " Ble^s the collar," he ejaculated. " Oh, yes, bless it. Bless the blessed collar." " My dear," said his wife, " what is your text for this morning's sermon ?" " F-fourfceenth verse, f-fiftli-fiflh Psalm," lie replied, in short gasps. " The w-words of his m-mouth were s-smoother than b-butter, but w-war was in his h-heart."

— Promptness Appreciated. — A gentleman who had been in Chicago only three days, bu<-> who had been paying attention to a prominent Chicago belle, wanted to propose but was afraid lie would be Lhought too hasty. He delicately broached the subject as follows: "If I were to speak to you of marriage, after having only made your acquaintance three days ago, what would you say to it ?" "Well, I should say, never put off till to-morrow that which you could have done the day beEore yesterday." — " I tell you what," airily exclaimed Perkins, as he sat down to the supper table ; " I was in a tight place this afternoon." " Yes, I know you were," interrupted his wife, in a clear, cold utterance that cut like a knife ; " I saw you coining out of it." And then it flashed across Perkins' mind that he had incidentally stepped into a saloon with a friend for the purpose of examining a doubtful political statement, and the supper was finished amid a silence so profound that he could plainly hear a napkin ring.— Rockland Courier.

— No Path.- -A country squire, walking through one of his covers, met a labouring man just getting over the gate at the entrance to it. On a tree which overshadowed the gate was a board, on which was written •' No path." " Can't you read V said the squiro lo the man. "Yaas; where do you suppose I was born and bred, if I can't read ? ' " Well, as you can read, will you be so good as to tell me what yon see written up there ?" " What I sees written np there? Why, I sees a great lie ! It says, 'No path,' and hang me iL' there isn't as good a path as e\ or T seed -wide eno' for you and me to walk at the same lime !"