A Cure for Suicide.

Otago Witness, Issue 1784, 30 January 1886, Page 27

A Cure for Suicide.

Everybody remembers Mantalini's suicidal mania, and most people are aware that Mantilinis are common among married people. But the mania is not confined to gentlemen ; we heard a story the other day of a Frenchman aud his jealous spouse at one of the West-end hotels. The lady indulged herself continually, as soon as closeted with her mispronouncing husband, in hysterical upbraidings for his imaginary delinquencies in ogling the ladies at table, and at last things grew so bad that the following denouement transpired. The lady led off, as usual, with much emphasis. Monsieur, however, had reached the culminating point of human endurance, and he retorted in a vehement roulade of broken English, interlarded with French expletives, until the fair one seized hiSjCase of razors in an apparently desperate determination to commit suicide. Seizing her arm with one hand, he pulled the bell-rope Violently with the "other, a summons which was speedily answered, for the waiters, whose organs of inquisitiveness are usually well developed, had been ' listening outside of the door to what was going on within. As soon, however, as one entered the chamber our gallant Frenchman relinqnished his hold of the lady's arm. "Ah, ah, madam!" hissed he, between his teeth, "you shall cut your troat, eh? Tres bien, ver goot ; now you out your troat so quick as you like. Mais I has yon lcetle vitness as you cut him yourself. Ah, ah! ma chere, if you V?ant cut your troat, cut him right way."

It is scarcely necessary to remark that the lady declined the offer, and that monsieur hoard no more of her suicidal intentions. Aii Artful Dodge. Three or four commercial travellers were seated in the smoking-car amusing themselves as commercial travellers are wont to do (says the Chicago Herald). The conversation was not altogether of the price of goods or probabilities of orders, but occasionally turned to the fair sex. "By the way," said one of the drummers, "before you boys came aboard I was back in tho next coach, and I saw there a magnificent girl, a« pretty as a picture. I was crazy to get acquainted with her, but she wouldn't have any foolishness. Run back and look at her." Of course, the other drummers sauntered back, and on their return were loud in their praises of the strange beauty. " Boys," said the first speaker, " I'm willing to confess it's a clean case of love at first bight with me, and, just to get up my courage, I'll wager any one of you, or the whole party, sdol that before we got to Indianapolis I'll be sitting beside that girl, and she'll be resting her head lovingly on my shoulder." The other drummers were so eager for the I "snap" that they quarrelled as to which one should hold the stake. The four sdol bills were deposited with the fourth man as stockholder, and the smitten wagerer threw away his cigar and started for the other car, telling his companions to keep watch of him. They watched him. As ho enteced the coach the fair stranger was reading a novel. He walked boldly up to her side and spoko to her. She looked up, smiled, moved to one side to make room for him, and when he had seated placed her pretty head upon his shoulder as if she had a right to. In half an hour the lucky traveller drew from his pocket another cigar, the beauty raised her head, and he returned to the smoking-car. " My wife has excused me long enough for another smoke," he said to his amazed companions. " She did not want to come with me on this trip for fear it would cost too much, but I told her we'd make money if she'd come along. So far we are about 40dol cihead of expenses, and by fall expect to have enough to buy a sealskin sacque. Those sdol notes, please." — Merchant Traveller. ih-ief and to the Point. It was the second time he had accompanied the young lady home from one of thoee little social parties which are gotten up to bring fond hearts a step nearer to each other. When they reached the gate she asked him if he wouldn't come in. He said he would, and he followed her into the house. It was a calm, still uight, and the hour was so late that he had no fear of seeing the old folks. Sarah took his hat, told him to sit down, and she left the room to take off her things. She had hardly gone before her mother came in, smiled sweetly, and dropping down beside the young man, she said: "I always did say that if a poor but respectable young man fell in love with Sarah he should have my consent. Some mothers would sacrifice their daughter's happiness for riches, but lam not of that class." The young man gave a start of alarm. He didn't know whether he liked Sarah or not, and he hadn't dreamed of such a thing as marriage. " She has acknowledged to me that she loves you," continued the mother ; " and whatever is for her happiness is for mine." The young man gave two .starts of alarm this time, and he felt his cheeks grow pale. " I—lI — I — haven't " he stammered; she said: " Oh, never mind. I know you haven't much money, but of course you'll live with me. We'll take in lodgers, and I'll risk but we'll get along all right." It was a bad situation. He hadn't even looked love at Sarah, and he felt that he ought to undeceive the mother. " I hadn't no idea of — of " he stammered, when she held up her hands and said : " I know you hadn't, but it's all right. With your wages and what the lodgers bring in we shall get along as snug as bugs in a rug." " Bat, madam, but — but " " All I ,ask is that you be good to her," interrupted the mother. " Sarah has a tender heart and a loving nature, and if you should bo cross and ugly, it would break her down within a week." The young man's eyes stood out like cocoanuts in a shop window, and he rose up and tried to say somethiug. He said : " Great heavens ! madam, I can't permit " " Never mind about the thanks," she interrupted. "I don't believe iv long courtships myself, and let me suggest an early day for the marriage. The 11th of December is my birthday, and it would be nice for you to be married^ on that day." " But — but — but !" he gasped. " There, there, I don't expect any speech in reply," she laughed. " You and Sarah fix it up to-night, and I'll advertise for twelve lodgers right away. I'll try and be a model mother-in-law. I believe I am good tempered and kindhearted, though I did oifo follow a young man two hundred miles ami .shoot the top off his head for agreeing to marry Sarah and then jumping the country." She patted him on the head and sailed out ; and now that young man wants advice. He wants to know whether he had better get in the way of a locomotive or slide into the dock. At tub Bab. — Frank Brower, a favourite negro minstrel of the olden time, walked into the bar-room of the Metropolitan one morning, dusty and unkempt from a long journey, and asked for a glass of brandy. The barkeeper handed out the brandy, and then, suspicious of Frank's appearance, said: "Just pay for that before you drink it, will you ? " Frank, who was as well known in New York as any man about town, looked up, astonished, and stammered, " W-w-what? " " Just pay for that brandy before you drink it," repeated the bartender. " W-w-why," said Frank, leaning confidentially across the counter, "is it so im-m-m-mediately fatal in its effect ?" — New York Citizen. Somebody Got Moke than a Fair Shark. — " I see," said she, looking up from the paper, "that there -were 20,000,000 buttons made in this country last year." "Indeed!" he replied, "I wonder what they were made for ?" " For sewing on garments, I suppose." " Well, somebody's got more than their share, I guess, for their hain't been one sewed on my garments for a year." She resumed her reading, and a deep silence fell upon the household. — Boston Courier. Is Dancing Sinful? — Parson Gridly, of Waco, is very much opposed to dancing. Ho paid recently to a young lady of the congregation —

" Are you one of these giddy girls to whom dancing is a heavenly pastime?" " No, I don't think dancing is perfectly heavenly." " Ah, that's right." "Dancing is not porfectly heavenly," continued the young lady, " for you see it cornea to an end too fioon, but it is very much like heaven as long as it lasts."— Texas Sittings. Livened up. — Man (to unknown other man) — " This is the slowest affair I ever saw." Other Man—" Yes ; it is rather slow." Man—" If I knew where the wine was kept, hang me if I wouldn't liven up a bit."' Other Man (graciously)— " Here's the key to the cellar. Come along, it's all right ; lam the master of the house.''— Philadelphia Call. Commisbuatiox. — Husband — "I hear that Miss Puffball, the well-known novelist, is going to get married. "' Wife—" Yes, she debated a long time whether she should devote herself, to literature or to a husband, and of the two evils she has been silly enough to choose the greater." Husband—" Poor fellow !"— New York Tribune.