THE HUMOURIST.

Otago Witness, Issue 1639, 21 April 1883, Page 25

THE HUMOURIST.

YACK KUMMERTHAL.

(Written for the Witness.)

No. XVII.

Tack Kummerthal Relates How Yah-

cob Yammerthal Got Married.

Veil, Yahcob get so much toot'ache dhat he don't like digging any more, und he tinks he vill get married und shtart a business. He haf saved up a good bit of money, und he like to be a publican. So by-und-by dhere is publichouse for sale, und Yahcob buy it. Of course it vas de fashion in dhose times for a new publican to open mit a free ball and supper, you know ; mit everyt'ings frea for your money, you know. Yahcob do de same, und advertise that he haf engaged a full shtring band for de occasion, und de peoples all yonder vhere de full band is, for dhey all know dhat dhere vas only one fiddle und one fiddler for miles round. But anyhow by-und-by de night for de ball coom round, uud de peoples coom in from all de gullies round about. Vhen nearly all is ready, und Andy, de fiddler, begin to tune his fiddle, dhey all ask Yahcob : " Vhore is your full shtring band ?" Yahcob point to de four young ladies — you know I moos call dhem young because dheie vas no older vons und no younger yons — vhat he haf borrowed from de publicans of de neighbourhood, und say : " Dhere is de full shtring band !" De ball begin, und vas yon like all de balls inde early digging days. A large low room mit vails of flash druggetting, und a good many green baize doors, und de few lights dhere vas vas made dark mit shteam, tobacco ahmoko, und shmell of grog. De yentlemens vere nearly all dressed in moleshkin trousers, blue Blurts, und top boots, und very few had coats on. De ladies, vhen dhey vas not dancing, all sat close together, und dheir attention was unresistable, dhough dhey vasn't a groat lot— old ewes got up lamb fashion. The first yon vas a tall, tin voman, vhat vaa a girl yon time lung ago, mit a flash silk rag round her t'roat to hide de rinkles vbat vaa kreeping up to her face, mit bleery oyea, de vorse for year mit looking for a husband for twenty years, und crying for getting none. She looked at de crowd of men mit a mat ematic look, to find out who haf de most money, und vho vas do most likely to shout. Dhey call her Cast-metal Sal. De next yon vas a fat creature, vhat hadn't quite forgot to be a girl yet. She haf a round and yolly face, und enjoy de fun immensely. She vas de favouiite. Her diggings' name van Double-breasted Poll. Dhen came do Tidal Vave. Sho vas as shtif as a poker, uud gif herself airs, vhat vas because she vas do only lady vhat haf a bilk dress on. She vasn't a iavourite, especially not mit do otter ladies. But she shmirk uud shinile at de whole crowd mit vonce, but she done it in a vay as jf it make her corns ache, She dance only mit de flasheat und best dressed bhaps. De last lady vas bolieved to be a substitute, for nobody know vhere she coom from. She haf on a dress made of old tablecloths, mit do gravy stains not quite vashed out, und yore at least £100 vort' of yewellery, und dhey call her de " Missing Link." Dhis vas Yahcob's full shtring band, und round dhtmi de diggers rfhwunn as do Hies round a candle. But ahtill dhey va* ladies, or suppose to be, und in dhis respect dhere vas not much difference between dhem.

Vhen a shaps \hnfc haf no coat vill dance mit yon of de Jadiisha b«nmw v<»n ftom anolter, uud dress himbdt up in de ballroom, und perhaps if his boots vere too heavy he borrow a light pair too. You see, in de early days you couidn't buy dhese tings on de diggings. Dhoso shaps vhat hay no lady partners dance mit each otter, und de noise dhey make mit dhere heavy boots quite drown de music. Now und dhen de performance vas varied by a row about de ladies, who got up on do seats and tables to see de fight, und enjoy it best. But dhis didn't last long, for de dancing men put out de obstructions to de ball. So de fun vas kept up till next morning, und vhen Yak ob count up he haf made £321 by de free ball.

" By-und-by Yahcob get up from Dunedin a new barmaid, a real shlasher, vhat dhey call do "goddess." She draw veil, und make plenty money for Yahcob. After dhat ho t'iuka he vill marry her, und he ask my advice. I tell him she vould not make de vife he vants, und say vhat his sisters will t'ink vhen dhey hear ho haf married a "goddess," a voman vhat can talk nottings else but dress, und fashions, und balls ; vhat t'inks herself too great a lady to vash a pocket-handkerchief, uud vhat t'inks dhat beetroots grow in slicos de same as dhey coom upon de table. Yahcob see it ail vhen T tell him, but vhen he see de "goddess " he forget it all, und dhat I suppose is lof. Veil, de "goddess" vish to get married soon, und she gauiinon very shweet mit Ralph, do sailor, vhat vas a good-looking shaps, but no good otterwise, und Yahcob get awful yealous.

Yon morning Yahcob see de "goddess" dress herself in a white satin dress, und by-und-by she put a wreat' of leaves und flowers in her hair, und look shplendid. Vhen all is done she say to Yahcob : " Veil, ain't you going to get ready ? Ralph will be here in half an hour." 11 Vhat am der matter?" ask Yahcob, quite shtunned.

" Vhat am der mattor !" sho say. " Hasn't Ralph told you that he ia going to marry mo, und aek you to give me avay ?"' " Der tenfel !" say Yahcob. " Gif you avay to marry Ralph, der teufel, no !" Dhen dhoy haf somo talk uud explanation, de end of 'vhich vas dhat do " goddess " marry Yahcob dhera und dhen, iushlead of Ralph, de sailor. Dhen dhero vas anotter free ball, ymd in oours"? of time dhero followed a christening,