FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1639, 21 April 1883, Page 28

FUN AND FANCY.

— We hopo we shall not be accused of exag geration when we say we have received 1883 calendars. — Boston Commercial Bulletin.

— A young lady went into a music shop and asked the clerk if he had " Loving Eyes." He replied : " I'm told so by girls." — " Yes," he said, " one of the nicest, best girls in the world is in love with me, and folks know it, and it just breaks my heart." "Why should it?" "Why, don't you know that nice fellows always get some cheap creatuie for a wife, and nice girls always marry miserable fellows. Folkß know she is a thoroughly good girl, and they set me down aB a regular tough. My character is ruined." • — A Boston merchant advertised "saleswomen," and had only two applications — one from a half-blind woman of sixty, and the other from a girl of fourteen, who proved so giddy on a day'a trial that he discharged her afc night. The next morning a new advertisement appeared, calling for " sales-ladies," and before nine o'clock there was such a rush that he had to put out a sign, "Positions all filled," so that he could get enough store room to conduct his business.

— " You mustn't touch the top of the baby's head," said a mother to her little four-year-old ; *' she has a soft spot there thab is very tender." The youngster gazed at it curiously for a moment, and then asked, "Do all babies have soft spots on their heads?" "Yes." " Did papa have a soft "spot <5n tho top of his head when he was a baby?" " Yes," replied the mother with a sigh, " and he has got it yet." And the old man, who had overheard the conversation from an adjoining room, sang out : "Yes, indeed he has, my dear boy, or he would bo a single man to-day." — She did not know much about gardening ; at the same time, she did not care to expose her ignorance to her husband. They had only been married a short time, when he said : " I notice the asparagus is about ripe— don't you want to go out in the garden and get Borne ?" She replied: "I'll tell you what we will do. We will go out together. You climb up the tree, and I'll catch them in my apron as they fall."

— Some one was one day rallying Congressman Lefevre on his eccentric chirography. " I ought to write better that's a fact," he replied. " Why some time ago I wrote to a man thanking him for a clipping cut from a newspaper about me, and asking him the name and date of the paper, and he replied, • I am much obliged for your advice, and will follow it, believing that my claim will go through, and I will at last get my pension."— Dubuque Independent. The pensive mule is not usually regarded as susceptible to pathetic emotions. And yet he occasionally drops a mule-teer.

— " Why ditn't you deliver that message as I gave it to you?" asked an Austin gentleman of hi 3 stupid servant. " I did de best I could, boss," "You did the best you could, did you?" imitating his voice and iook. "So you did the best you could. If I had known that I was sending a donkey I would have gone myself."

— " Has yer got any chilluns in dis heah house ?" asked Matilda Snowball of an Austin lady to whom she wanted to hire herself as a cook and wash-lady. " I have only one child, a little baby." " Den I ain't gwine ter hire myself ter no family whar dar am no chilluns, or whar de chillums am so small dat all de breakin' ob de dishes am put oft" on me."

— " So you have got twins at your house !" said Mr 3 Buzumbe to little Tommy Samuelson. "Yes, ma'am, two of 'em." "What are you going to call them ?" " Thunder and Lightning." " Why, those are strange names to call children." " Well, that't what pa called them as soon as he heard they were in the house." — Texas Siftings. — The lieward of Virtue.— Grandmother (in the Highlands, to grandson) : " Weel, Tonal', an' what pusiness wull you pc going to pc ?" Donald : " Och, shod net know yet." Grandmother : " My ponny poy, you mind an' pc a goot lad, an' always speak the truth, an' Providence :11: 11 maypo make ye a policeman, like yer uncle TugaP in Glaisgo'." —"My mother's awful fickle." said little Edith to Mrs Smith, who was making a call. " When she saw you coming up the street sho said : ' There's that horrid Mrs Smith ; I hope she isn't coming here,' and a moment after she told you she was glad to see you. Mother says _ I'm fickle, but I guess I don't change my mind as quick as that." — Scientists say that shutting the eyes makes the hearing more acute. This explains why a man can't sneak into a house at midnight, and crawl up stairs as noislessly as a feather without being heard by his wife, who is asleep. If women were to sleep with their eyes open, married men would have more fun at the lodge when there is a protracted session.

—A " bearded woman " was being exhibited at a fair in Paris. At the entrance of the booth sat a cheerful little girl who took the money. One of the spectators, who had been feasting his eyes on the phenomenon, thought he would have his little joke with the pretty child. Taking her gently by the chin, he said, " I say, little girl, the woman with the beard is your mamma, isn't she?" "No, sir; she is my papa," was the reply. —A gentleman who had taken the right of shooting over a moor in Ayrshire at a very high rent, bagged only two brace the first day. After counting the price, he grumblingly remarked to the tenant of the moor that tho birds had cost him two guineas the brace. The tenant very innocently replied ; " Aweel, sir, ye may be thankfu' ye hae gotten sac few o' them ; they're far too dear."

MO'»N-ST»>UCIC. The yountr Moon lios in tho old Moon's arms— You may see it as plain as may ' 0 ; Venus has K""e, with all her charms Cut Jupiter sUres w, the baby ' The old Moon rocks in the clear bluo skiea— i-lie is r ck ng -.in hour-old baby • The staro are a- winding with all their eyes, Aud wondor whatever it may be. In a month that baby a babe will hold Aud qroon to the young its A B • For a mopn's whole life is but four week* old, And then it's again a bulry.

— Davie Johnston, the joiner, had to be accomoddted with lodgings at the Greenock police station on one occasion for a fey nigHfcs. Just as ho was being conveyed upstairs to hit «« i$r a l mattr oss," the lieutenant said to him, Well, good night, Davie. Ab you are & joiner you'll be able to pick out the softest boards to ho down upon. )f Davie though gey fou at the time, was not a fool, and was able for his man. 'Thank ye, sir (hie), thank ye," he replied ; " an' if I find ane m Baft as your heid, I'll be a' ncht. Guide nicht." — One of the most ingenious advertisements issued at San Francisco during last summer was the following : —

" Ice, ice, ico. If you want It j.ure and n^ And at a reißonable pr f, Follow no new dcv f 10 * But send to me in aiv )

at my off-ice, for I have the largest and ltott stock ever put up in this city."