Flotsam and Detsam.

Otago Witness, Issue 1581, 4 March 1882, Page 27

Flotsam and Detsam.

AMERICAN HUMOURS.

(San Francisco' News Letter.)

■—The Academy of Science is constantly being enriched by the addition of valuable specimens bf ring -tailed mastodons and plesiosaurna' wings add things, with an occasional old anchor picked up near Saucelito, and supposed to have been dropped by Christopher Columbus or the pilgrim fathers, and we Buggest to every good citizen that it is his duty to forward the good work by contributing according to his means. If the Secretary will call at this office, he can get an ancient and unreceipted tailor's bill, a tooth that was filled by Dr Younger, six years ago. at a cost of 72d01, and a hair from the nose of the late Emperor Norton. There are lots of old relica lying round this office, which we should be glad to have carted away, and if the Academy of Science will sand its push-cart along regularly oa Mondays at 9 a.m., they can have all the rejected MSS. on hand, and, while we shall be forwarding the interests of science, our bill with the dustman will be materially lessened. —There is a proposition to increase the revenues of the city by vaccinating all the Chinamen at a charge of one dollar a head. The pUn not being matured, it is not known at what intervals the Mongolian heathens are to be subjected to the ravine virus, but we trust qui'i.. ».« often as oncd-a month. Another good ► •>• ■ me to raise funds would be to tax all walk i q <tt»BB not made of leather one dollar a pair, aid all long nails two dollars apiece, because it is only a rich Chinaman who can afford io go about with bear claws on him. There ace several other useful suggestions which we can offer the Board of Health, such as an impost on hogs roasted whole, cat pies and things, painted faces and hair oil; only the last two items would apply, unfortunately, to bo many of the white population. — There is one Mongolian custom which Americans would do well toimitate, and it in no way refers to their habits of economy, industry, or abnegation, but is merely this : When one Chinaman (as was illustrated this week) who is hard-up goes to a friend and is refused, he invariably goes out, gets a pistol, comes back, and blazes away at the illiberal party. Thus is parsimony punished and niggardliness cropped in the bud. We merely throw this idea out to some of our wealthy friends upon whom we propose to call next week, with a view to obtaining a trifling accommodation of ten or twenty dollars; and we may also mention that we have just purchased from a promiuent guv factory two excellent self-cockers, which we trust in the name of humanity we may not be compelled to une during this festive season.

— Jui-ioa are curious thing", particularly coroners' juries. If an inquest is held on a man with fivo bullets in him, and al> chopped f-'i )>v>C'!B w.»v <ju rto, who ?>ss own wind m an old we'!, it is pretty venily fi.ire w her «;hat thoy will bring in a vtutHci ot acoiilfiuai eeiuh and possibly suicida ; bvtt it Mri.y axe e»ll;d on to inspect a corpse tightly clutching a botfcle of

I laudanum, and with a letter on his shlrt-cnff stating that the deceased was tired of life, yon can wager a month's salary that the verdict will be : We find that the deceased was strangled by some person or persons unknown, and that they went through his pockets before he got the slightest show at them. —An Arrow Escape.— William Arrow, of Wilkesbarre, Pennsylvania, has run off with bis husband's wife.— Com. Bull. The unhappy hußband has fears that Arrow has changed into beau. Where William Arrow has gone there can nobody but William Tell.— Yawcob Strauss. We can. He has gone to Lucerne his American ties, where the flame of true love shall ever Berne. He will be Constance untildeath, ana furnish a house by buying Neuch&tels for it; He won't Chamounix any more, but live in Switzerland, and see if he Canton up society there a little. . 1 ' —At a recent examination in a girl's school, the question was put to a class of little one : •Who makes the laws of our government P' • Congress,' was the reply. * How is Congress divided?' was the next question. A little girl in the class raised her hand. ' Well,' said the examiner, ' Miss Sallie, what do you say the answer is?' Instantly, with an air of confidence as well as triumph, the answer came : Civilised, half-civilised, and aavage.' Many persons have a very foolish ana uncalled for objection to a hair in a pie«e of butter. For our part, we revel in the discovery, and visions of the dishevelled maideu with her roßy cheeks at the churn float before " onr eyes. r There is still greater consolation in ;« 'finding a hair in the butter. Itß presence is a A solemn proof that the compound is not oleot margarine. ' " ' ;; ' ' —Know ye the land where the Plesfosaurua His wild, weird-like warble intones to the' sea ? , And the festive Molluscan and Ichthyosauruß Bing softly their love to the lone Bumblebee 1 ' Where the Trilobite sings in his nest on the wall, And the Hoopendedoodendoo trills in the grass? And loudly and grandly, high-sounding o'er all, Comes the far-reaching plaint of the lowly Jackass f • ■' -S. V. Proudfit.

— Snickerson came into the house last evening with a three inch and a half smile playing ;) upon his countenance. f Huldah,' said he, '. ' when wa3 beef the highest ? When the cow jumped over the moon. Ha !halha 1' 'There, ,' there j' said his wife, 'just hold that expression a minute.' It reminds me of your' great' . grandfather's looks when he had to laugh at , that self-aaine joke.' Saickeraon simply retaliated by referring to his wifefs 'good mem- ,' ory for one who likes Jo be thought young/ and dropped the Jaugh*. v■> * . , .-,, r , -, — • What kind of beads are those blaok onea there?' asked a lady in one of our millinery establishments. 'Those are eggs' replied the lady in charge. * What kind of eggs ?' inquired the .customer. , .' Crow's eggs,' answered the milliner, r. And then the inquirer turned to her companion (and Baid: 'That's funny isn't it? They must have been black crows to lay such black eggs.' The other lady said nothing, but appeared lost in deep study. —A woman who carried round milk In Paris said a naive thing ,the other day. 1 ; One of the cooks" to , whom she brought milk lookeqinto the can, and remarked with surprise: "Why,, there is actually 'nothing there but water.' The womani satisfied' herself. 'of the truth of the , statement, said: 'Well, if I didn't forget to/ put in the milk !'— Figaro. ! —The wires cable the joyful news that two deacons had a fist-fight in .their .church at ' jeffersonyille, Kentucky, over church matters; We now solemnly engage, ourselves never to 1 ' abuse a deacon hereafter,, though we confess we never had any respect for one before.' ' . '' —An enterprising advertiser, ' who has , a specific for killing the insidious rat and the destructive mouse, says: 'Don't die in the" house.' If we know ourselves, and don't get ' shot, hanged, or run over, the houseia exactly the place we propose to die in when our angel wings begin to budi — ' I gaze into those eyes of thine, So deeply blue and bright, , And find a charm that never palls On my enamoured sight.' ' , '

• I well can understand,' she said, , ■ •' ' How such the case may be, Sinde 'tis the image of yourself ' , i ' . Tou there reflected see.' • ! ; — * Does it pay ,to steal V asks the Philadelphia Times. It does, esteemed conteinpdrary, it does, It doesn't pay the thief, but just think ' of the large number of criminal lawyers to whom it furnishes a fat living.— Philadelphia Chronicle-Herald.

i —Said the sailor to bis sweetheart : ' I know that, ladies care little about nautical matters, but if you had choice of a ship, what kind of one would you prefer?' She cast down her eyes, blushed and whispered, ' a little smack. 9 —A young lady of the highest and strictest principles returned a new watch to a jeweller because it happened to be a little fast.