fun.

Otago Witness, Issue 1476, 28 February 1880, Page 24

fun.

"honesty the best poiicy."

Country practitioner (surprised at the visit of a notorious quack and pill yea dor) —" Well, what brings you here ?"

Quack (evidently suffering from disturbed peristaltic action)— " Well, sir, the fact is 515 1 feel rather queer, and — "

Country practitioner— " Then why don't you take one of your ' Pearls of Health ?' " Quack— "That's just it, sir I I think I've swallowed one— by mistake !"— Pnnch.

" POR THEE I SIGH."

The amiable and accomplished Miss Belinda Short was un deratood to be betrothed to tha dashing Captain Long. Bnt th© captain, having taken offence at a pungent pun made by the maiden upon his name, determined to make himself scarce at Belinda Villa. Ib was during his absence that the lady wrote the following lines :— Long h&vo I waited, and still long, For Long; to come and shorten my suspense ; In short, though Short, I can't do wrong To write of him who left, this song. Though weak, I week by week am strong In pure affection. Oh .' dear Loner, No longer Btay. But Btay, why did I drive him hence?

BESIEGED BY BUHGfcABS.

A Texas gentleman, named Gieselmann, stopped the other night in a St. Louis hotel, and on going to bed blew out the gas. A couple of hourß later the odour of escaping gas pervaded the whole house. He was aroused and informed of his perilous condition, but declined to open his door, and told all applicants to retire. As they did not obey, he presently began shooting at the door, firing through it and into the walls fourteen bullets. When a squad of police bad finally forced an entrance, it was found that he had no sense of smell whatever, and that be believed he was being besieged by burglars.

A VEEY DIFFERENT MATTER,

Southern Lord (staying at Highland Castle) — " Thank you so much. I — ah — weally enjoy your music. I think of having a piper at my own place " Sandy the piper — " An' fat kin' 0' a piper would your Lordship be needin' ?"

Southern Lord — " Oh, certainly a good piper like yourself, Sandy "

Sandy (sniffing)— " Och. Inteet ! Yo micht easily fin' a lord like your Lordship, but it's nae sac easy to fin' a piper like me whatever."

now supwejie !

Nincompoopiana — (Surfeited with excess of " cultchah," Prigsby and his friends are now going iv for extreme simplicity) — Prigsbv — " I considah the words of "Little Bopeep," freshah, loveliah, and more subtle than anything iShelley cv Ah wrote." (Recites them.) Muffington— "Quite so. And Schubert nevah composed anything quite so precious as the tune." (Tries to hum it.) Ohorns— "How Bupweme."— Punch.

BLOWING UP THE BANCHES.

It was a sad looking tramp, with a pained ex-, presßion of face, that entered a ISutter stifled bar-room the other day holding in his Hand a small battered red canister.

" Look at this," he said sorrowfully. " I went into a gun shop for something to eat, and the mean man handed me this can of powder. He said I could go shooting. A starving man go shooting. Just think of it." " Well, mizzle," said the bar keeper, who had just set up four fancy drinks for a row of customers.

" I pledge you my word," said the tramp, holding the can within an mch N of the open stove, " I'm so miserable I've a mind to blow myself up " " Dare you do it ?" Baid a bystander, winking at the crowd.

The wretched party gave a sad, lingering look at the ponred out liquor as that he might never behold again, and tossed in the can. The yell the crowd gave as they started for tho other side of the street, was heard on Telegraph Hill. When they filed in, about ten minutes after, the empty can did not explode, there were four empty glasses on the counter, the lunch table was an empty mockery, and tho till looked like a savings bank the day after a really large deposit.

IN BKIEP.

" I've just dropped in," as the fly said'to the coffee.

What is home without a walking'match ? '■ A. soleless spot.

"It's an 111 Wind Blows Nobody Good."— English Buyer (at a cattle fair)—" But you ask t^o much for her, Pat " Irish Farmer—" Sure I couldn't let her go for such a thrifle, barrin' I wasn't paying rint this year." Taking Measure.— Tailor (to stout customer) — "Have the kindneaa to put your fiugor on tlm bit of tape, Sir-just b.ere ! I'll be round in, d minute {