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Otago Witness, Issue 1466, 3 January 1880, Page 20

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EGGSCRUfIATING. As the Y." C. was making his eggs-it on Friday an egg cited man, with a countenance eggspressive of eggscessive eggasperation, hurled an egg a., the eye of the eggcellent Judge. Eggceedingly bad aim was taken, and the egg eggsploded eggainst the wall, and the contents uggsuding eggstraordinary eggoitment ensued, and the man was egtrspedituously arrested' and placed befora the V.<J. for eggsamination. He did nob eggsculpate himself, and the Judge eggspeditiously pub an eggstiaguieher oa him, and egg3iled him from his presence to eggspatiate his crime by his eggsertions at Holloway. After which there was a general Eggsodus^ The act wa3 considered in the light of an ovation ! A FILIAL REBUKE. Squire Quiverful (who has a large family) to his eldest son : " Tueso are uncommonly good cigars of yours, Fred ! What do they cost you ?" Fred : " Sixty shillings a hundred." Squire Quiverful : " Good heavens ; what extravaganco! Do you know, Si"*, that I never give more than threepence for a cigar ?" Fred : " And a very good too ! By George, Governor, if I had as many children to provide for as you have, I wouldn't smoke at all!" A PROMISING YOUNG jBSTHETIC. Old Boy : " TJllo ! what's your name ? " New Boy : " Dante Michael Angelo Salvator Rosa Nupkins ! '' Old Boy: "Is that all? (What's your father?" New Boy: "Poet, painter, sculptor, architect, and musician " Old Boy : " Crimini ! Is he grea!; ? " New Boy : " The greatest that ever lived." Old Boy: "I never! And what are you going to be?" New Boy: "The same as my father, only greater." ' Old Boy:. "Oh my!" [Kicks young Nupkins, and exit.] PIT DISTRICT PITY. Willum : " Heerad aboot Paggy Wilson ? " Betty: "Naw." Willum : " Ben an 1 fell 500 feet down the mine and killed hereelf." Betty: " Well, aw' ve known that garl sinst iver she wor a child, an' though she be allus careless, aw niver heered on her a- dewing such a thing afore." Willum : " Perhaps thus 'ull be a caution tew her." DIFFERENT STANDPOINTS. Vicar (to inebriated Churchwarden : " Dear, dear, Mr Jone3, l am deeply grieved to see you in this state ; why, you're so drunk you cau't even stand !" Inebriated Churchwarden (evidently misunderstanding) : '" Can't shtand,— l should think not. Yer ought to know yerself better than 'spect me to, when yer know I have been paying all day, and it's your turn now. It's mean on yer to 'spect it."— Judy. FKO&f THE COMIC PAPARS. The Parson— " I'm very sorry to hear, Mrs Brown, that you were present last night at a ' Plymouth Brethren's ' tea meeting. I have of t3n told you that these dbctrines are highly erroneous!" Mr& Brown — " Erron'ous, sir, their doctrines may be; but their cake, with Sultany raisins, is excellent." — Puach. A well-dressed little child, lost by some negligent nursemaid, was the centre of a symptthe» tic crowd of gentlemen. Questions poured in upon the ohild from all sides, but with no effect. At last a gentleman asked, " Were where you going to, my little dear ?" " Nusa," blubbered the infant, " sed I'se to go to heben." Sidney Smith could not tot slip a chance to make a joke. The Rev. Mr Selwyndeparted as a missionary for New Zealand. Smith took him warmly by the hand and eaid, " Good-bye, my dear Selwyn ; I hope you will not disagree with the man who eats you." Young Vicar (facetiously): " Well, John, how j smart you are this morning ; who gave you the new olothes ?" John (laughing): " Ees, sir, the ho rae as gave you yourn — the parish, sir." (Vicar retires somewhat discomfited). — Fun. " Ain't Jhe got his mother's nose ?" said the nurse. " Pretty ickle eing !" Pa bent down to admire. " Ain't he got his papa's whiskers Pc sang out Tommy, the eldest boy. So he had— c such a handful ! Smallest boy — " Better give in at onct, cos I'm bound to lick yer." Small boy—" How d'ye know yer a-goin' to lick rae ?" Smallest boy—" Cos I'm stronger than you j I chew tobacker and you don't." There is something passing strange about human nature. If a man had to support his family by pUying billiards at S2 a da,y, he'd complain he had to w irk awful hard for a. living. — Middletown Transcript. There is a good deal of shooting at L^ad villa. Probably because the place ia lode-ed. -Chicago Tunes. BREVITIES. | The man who enjoys a good.sleep is an nappy ! man. Ought a baker to drive a thorough-bread horse ? Of absorbing interest — A sponge. Two of a bine— A yoke of oxen. How would you measure your lover's sincerity ? — By his sighs. A play is eaid to " run" when it stays a long time at one theatre. The man who is always as " cool as a cucum* ■ her" is generally asgreeo.|

In the times of Noah the floods ruled the earth. It was reigu water then.

It dosen't take a achootboy long to evince a love for division, provided auother boy owns the apple. Nero, Pompy, and Ca3«ar. are common name 3 for dogs, but wouldn't Agtippa be more appropriate ? The best preserved part of a house is the doorjam, and the coldest part is the frieze, although the corn ice is pretty near it. Three feet make a yard. Very true ; bub two feet unmake it maglity quicK, provided they are hen's feet. The road to doublin' — Eating cucumbers. — The 'road to rae ia — Eating green apples. Beware of dried apples; they live not wisely, but to swell.

Playing with dice is shaky business, the Philadelphia Record thinks. When ladies ordjr slippers a couple of pines too small for t'aem, you can make up your miud that the croquet season is oa its way.