Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1192, 3 October 1874, Page 21

Varieties.

A Stock in(g) Trade. — Hosiery. On the Contrary. —Riding a mule. Burbow Babbits. A Bad Debt.— The owing of a grudge. The Height op Adversity.— Pledging your | word. The Place for a Pic-nic. — The Sandwich Islands. Clerical Errors. — Three-quarters-of-an-hour sermons. A Tobacconist, with commendable frankness, advertises, " I shall continue to keep on hand imported cigars of my own manufacture." An Omaha paper advises the people " not to make such a fuss about the shooting of one constable, as there are over forty candidates for the office." A comical blunder occurred at Portsmouth when the troops were welcomed from the Gold Coast. A huge flap was suspended from a police-station with the inscription " Welconae Home." A Late Sitting. — " What are you going to take— a cup of tea ?" asked an honourable member of a friend in the tea-room of the House of Commons one night last week. " No, thanks ; I am afraid it would keep me awake," was the ominous reply. A Clergyman says, "I once married a handsome young couple, and as I took the bride by the hand, at the close of the ceremony, and gave her my warmest congratulations, she tossed her pretty face, and, pointing to the bridegroom, replied, " I think he is the one to be congratulated. " Valuable. — Marshal Soultonce, showing the pictures he stole in Spain, stopped before one, and remarked, "lvalue that picture very much ; it saved the lives of two estimable persons." An aide-de.camp whispered in the listener's ear, "He threatened to have them both shot immediately unless they gave it up." Sons op the Soil.— Thirty-seven years ago Sir Robert Peel presented a farmers' club with two iron ploughs of the best construction. On his next visit tiie old ploughs '

were again at work. < ' We tried the iron, Sir Robert," said a member of this enlightened society, " but we all be ot one mind that they make the weeds grow."

A friend of ours is the most a' sentminded man we know of. We made an engagement to meet him on Tuesday afternoon. " All right," said he. Shortly afterward he came rushing in with, "My dear Horace, you'll have to excuse me. I've a prior engagement. Fact is, I'm going to be married Tuesday ; forgot it completely." Some time since a play was produced at one of the principal theatres, which, although a* complete fiasco on the first night, proved a great success at subsequent performances. Being asked to what he attributed the hostility of the public on the first night, the author replied — '• Goodness gracious, it was the simplest thing iv the world ! That evening all my friends were there !"

Apter dinner one day Jast week, at a Liverpool table d'hotfi a young man was relating how he had miracu.ously escaped from ••■ fearful shipwreck. « Yes,' B ai . he, " fifteen f my friends were on board. The vessel weni down, and they were all lost." " But how " asked a listener, whose interest was painfully excited, " Did you manage to escape ? ' " Uh," was the calm reply, "I was on board another vessel !"

Gwuk To Cookeht.-A gentleman had in las service a cuok who could just manage to read and write. One day he perceived her taking in some monthly numbers of a work und, curious to know what could possibly bo the subjects of the cook's erudition, he a'ked her to let him look at the publication. Mary blushing, said that she wished to improve in her cooking, and that she had ken taking ia for some months, in parts, Cook's Voyages. Aimcfi Giu us. -Every lmn ought to pay his debis, it he can. Every man ought to help his neighbour, if he can. Every man T^.VS g , e - uwrried ' if he <-•"»• Every man should do Ins work to suit his customers, if he can. hvety wife should j.Jea^ her husband, it she can. Every wife sliou/d sometimes hold her tongue, if she can. Every lawyer bhould sometimes tell the truth, if h e can Every man ou^t to mind Jus own business, and let oUher peoples alone, if he can

Chbap Liberality.— Dr. Outline, in his autobiography, describes an odd character among his Scotch country parishioners at Atbirlot, «• who died as he iuul jived, a curious mixture of benevolence and folly " The lawyer who drew out his will, after writing down several legacies of live hundred pounds lo one person, a thousand to another, and so on, at last said; " But, Mr. , I don't believe you have all that money to leave" " Oh," was the reply, •• i k e n that as well as you, but Ijubt wantto show them my good

A Miser Indeed. -The Baron de X. was a miser to the exttemity of meanness. He was at "daggers drawn" with his nephew, who was his heir, and, moreover, a spendthrift. Finding his end approaching the baron called his valet. (I liere," said he "are ten sous ; go and buy mo a sheet of stamped paper. I wish to make a will disinheriting my nephew." "But, monsieur, stamped paper is now twelve sous a sheet." " J welve sous ! liiavens, il is 100 dear ! I would rather Jet my scoundrel of a nephew inherit. " v

One^ day. a trapper out West heard the district schoolmaster say the earth turned round, llus was a new idea to him, and he doubted it. So, when he went home that night, he put a potuto on a stump by his cabm-door. In the morning it was just where he had placed it. "Now," said he in triumph, "if the 'arth had turned round, whar would that tatur hey been ? If the 'arth had turned round, there would he the tallest scatteriif of the nations you ever did see. No, Mr. School* master, the 'arth is as flat as a pancake, and I know it."

The irrepressible joker at the club the other day, while touching up his oysters with pepper from the castor, observed to the waiter that " the pepper was half pens." " 0 no, 1 said the polite attendant, (< that is the best Bort of pepper." " Well, I tell you it is half peas ; call Mr. Mills." That gentleman came, and the joker remarked, " I always expect to get the best of everything in this house, but this pepper is half peas." " That can't bo so; we take special pains to procure it, and have it ground in our own mill." '• Well, it is so, I can prove it. " "If you can I should like to have you." " Well, .lohn, you just spell it." And the amiable proprietor retired with a sweet and gentle smile upon his benevolent face.

DUKTDER-HEADKD PEOPLE.— Few ftnlUSe* ments in the world aie funnier than the play of different ideas under similar sounds, and it would be hard to find a thing more universally understood and caught at than a pun ; but there really are individuals so made that a word can mean but one thing to them, and even metaphors must go on all fours. Lord Morpeth used to tell of a Scotch friend of his who, to the remark that some people could not feel a jest unless it was fired at them with a cannon, replied, ''Weel, but hoo can ye fire a jest out of a cannon, mon ?" A lady once put a conundrum to her rheumatic old nurse, asking her, " Why are you like a church. window, Sally ?" and gave the answer, " Because you are full of pains." Whereupon the old woman pityingly replied, '• Oh dear 1 somebody's been a foolin' of ye, honey. Them's anuder sort o' pains. They's been foolin' ye, child."

Changing His Mind.— A wealthy man, who owns a counry residence, recently became dissatisfied with it, and determined to have another ; so he instructed au auctioneer famous for his descriptive powers to advertise it in the papers for private sale, but to conceal the location, telling purchasers to apply at his office. In a few days the gentleman happened to see the advertisement, was pleased with the account of the place, shewed it to his wife, and the two concluded that it was just what they wanted, and that they would secure it at once. So he went to the office of the auctioneer and told him that the place he had advertised was such a one as he desired, and he would purchase it. The auctioneer burst into a laugh, and told him that that was the description of his own House where lie was then living. He read the advertisement again, cogitated over the "grassy slopes," " beautiful vistas," " smooth lawn," &c, and broke out, "Is it possible ? Well, make out my bill for advertising and expenses, frr, by George 1 I wouldn't sell the place now for three times what it cost me,"