Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1191, 26 September 1874, Page 21

Varieties.

A Fine-imposing Personage.— A magistrate. The worst kind of education. — To be brought up by a policeman. Why is grass like a penknife ? Because the spring brings out the blades. The young lady with speaking eyes has made them hoarse by over-using themVA Gf..Nius is popularly supposed to be one who can do anything except make a living. The author of the saying " Tfou must always take ajnan as you find him " was a police-con-t-taWe. The French Figaro says :— " The National Assembly is a strange affair : it is full of centres, but has no gravity. " In Oudkr.— Only a Bishop can give a pass for the stalls— of a cathedral. Is that why they call it " taking orders," when one is ordained ? "Pat," said a joker, "why don't you get your ears cropped ? They are much too long for a man." — " And yours," replied Pat, " ought to be lengthened ;, they are too short for an ass." - ,

A Georgia negro who bet lOdol. that General Washington commanded the Fu>le> rals at Bull ftun handed the money over with the remark, " Well, dis yer his'trv business is all mixed up, any way." The following announcement appeared recently! — "Edward Eden, painter, is requested to communicate with his brother, when he will hear of something to his advantage— his wife is dead." Bkutal, perhaps, m;T Quite True. — Elder Sister (also a fond mother) : ".How baby does keep crying j What do you think she wants ?" — Younger Sister (not a mother) : "A good smack I" An auctioneer, at a late sale of antiquities, put up a helmet, with the following candid observation : "This, ladies and gentlemen, is a helmet of Romulus, the Roman founder ; but whether he was a brass, iron, or type founder, I cannot tell. " A GBAVEDiGOEB, walking in the streets of a country town the other day, chanced to turn and noticed two doctors walking beside him. He stopped till they passed, and then followed on behind them. "And why this ?' said they. " I know my place in thisproces 1 sion," said he A lady having the misfortune to have her husband hang himself on an apple tree, the wife of a neighbour immediately camo to beg a branch of that tree, lo have it grafted into one in her orchard, ' For who knows," said she " but it may bear the same kind of fruit ?" Wateb in Demand.— Two neighbours had a long and envenomed litigation about a small spring, which they both claimed. The judge, wearied out with the case, at last said, •• What is the use of making so much tuss about a little water ?" '• Your Honour will see the use of it," replied one of the lawyers, " when I inform you that the parties are both milkmen !" The roar of laughter w htcli followed proved that the en tire audience saw the j oint The " Kladderadatch," orßeilin •' Punch," hasa pair of cartoons touching tho recent visit of the Czar to England. On the one side is represented the Russian bear and the En»libh leopard, fondling und playing with one another, while underneath is written," In Europe we pluy." On the other sheet are the same two animals with all their native ferocity tearing one another to pieces, with .the explanation, " In ** sia we fight." Voice op a Child.— The voice of a child, iiiawell-eonductednuisery,ißtullof hurmonyj while in a badly-managed nursery it is full of discord, A stranger, the moment he enters a house, can tell what kind of a mother ruea within ; if she be a mother who •' looketh well to the ways of her household," the merry laugh and the cheery voice abound and resound through the dwelling; uhile, on the other hand, if the mother either does not understand her duties, or if she neglect her duties, the fretful cry ai.d the piercing scream continually are heard ! Sir Andrew Agnew's Buoad Hint.— Sir Andrew /ignew was famous for giving broad hints. The nature of them will be bestascer» tamed by the following anecdote: — Sir Andrew having for some time been pestered by an impertinent intruder, it was one day re. marked to the baronet by a friend that this man no longer appeared in his company, and asked how he contrived to get rid of him. " In troth," said the buronet, " 1 was obliged to give the chield a broad hint." "A broad hint," replied the friend, " 1 thought he was oqe of those who could not take a hint," "By my faith, he was forced to take it," answered Sir Andrew ,• "for as the fellow would not gang out of the door, I threw him out of the window." Stoey of Chinese Intelligence.— There is a story told of some San Franciscan who wanted to see how far his Chinese servant used his reason in serving him. So one duy he called John into his garden, and taking up a brick, carried it about twenty yards, laid it down, took it up again, and curried it bnek to the starting point. " Now," suid he, " John, you are to do what you see me do." Off be went, leaving John hard at work, and coming back several hours after he found poor John with his hopeless yellow face, going on taking up the brick, carrying it the twenty yards, and bringing it back again, a 9 regularly as clockwork. His master had told him to doit, and he got h\s money for it, so it was no business of his to question the sense of the proceeding. Familiar Cattle. — A Massachusetts farmer says: — " My cattle will follow me until I leave the lot, and on the way up to the barnyard in the evening stop and call for a locker of hay." Sroithson says there is nothing remarkable about that. He went into a barnyard in the country one day last week, where he had not the slightest acquaintance with the cattle, and an old bull not only followed him until he left the lot, but took the gate off the hinges and raced with him to the house in the most familiar way possible. Smithson says he has no doubt that the old fellow would have called for something if he had waited a little while, but he didn't want to keep the folks waiting for dinner, so he hung one tail of his coat and a piece of his pants on the bull's horns, and v\ ent into the house. In the old couching days an honest Jack tar would be coached up to town fn>m ) 'eptford, but thought it a very unbecoming thing in him, who had just been paid off and had plenty of money, not to have a whole coach to himself ; so he took all the seats, and seated himself at the same time upon the top. The coach was about to set off, when a gentleman appeared who was holding an altercation with the coachman about the absurdity of insisting than the seats were all taken when there wf9 not a single person in the coach. Jack, overhearing high words, thought, as lie had paid full freight, that he had a right to interfere, and inquired what was the matter, when, being told that the gentleman was much disappointed at not getting a seat, replied, "You lubber, stow him away in the hold ; but I'll be blowed to Davy Jones if he conies up on deck."

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