ON THE BEAT.

Otago Witness, Issue 1191, 26 September 1874, Page 13

ON THE BEAT.

" Quio lakitani sa rida, na qnita sa kilaki onquo. "— Thakambau's Advice to his Son,

As I was passing the office of the Registrar of Marriages yesterday, I saw a finely dressed country lass and two young fellows coming out of that hymeneal sanctum. They looked up and down the street very anxiously, to be certain that no one had seen them leave the place, and then the girl gave a smirking sort of laugh, nudged one of the young fellow's elbows, as much as to say, "Take my arm." The young fellow he did the same, and then the girl repeated the operation, till it became quite apparent to me that they did not know whether it was the correct thing or not. But the matter was soon set right, for the third party, who had evidently been doing duty as witness, said, " Take the girl's arm, Bill, it's proper." My friend Tiser, the advertisement collector, happened to be passing at the time, so I told him that I was under the impression that a wedding had just taken place, and he had better look after the marriage notice.

" You don't mean to say so ! " he eagerly exclaimed. "I'll go and sound them."

Rushing up to the man, he remarked, " I congratulate you, sir." "Don't mention it, sir; it's a thing we must all do, one time or another. Come and join us in a drink over it."

Now here was luck for Tiser — he had hit the mark exactly.

" I suppose," said Tiser, after wishing the happy couple all sorts of prosperity, " that you will advertise this little affair in the papers. I'm the agent."

"Oh, certainly wp must, dear," said Mrs. Greenhorn. " What will it cost ? "

" Well, you see, madam, as this is your first marriage the charge will be a little heavier than in the case of a regular customer, more especially as the job has not been done by a parson — but say 6s.

Mrs. Greenhorn paid the money with the greatest of pleasure, and Tiser carefully pocketed the same. I call this rather smart work, more especially when he made arrangements for the births and deaths notices at the same figure. No cards.

When inspecting a new steamer the

other day, which has just arrived here, the steward asked me for my opinion of her. "Well, steward," I said, " she's a capital boat, but too good for the trade. You are a new hand here, but I can assure you that when the farmers travelling in this trade get into a discussion about brands or ear marks, they always exemplify what they mean by cutting out the brands on the velvet cushions." If ever a man looked like a newly caught Bengal tiger this man did after that remark. He gazed on me as if he would like to have chawed me up in one act. But all I could get out of him was "Tut, man." He then proceeded to assure me that if ever he caught any one at it, he would— well, I actually forget among the variety of his ideas what he really would do, at any rate, I don't think I shall be troubled for an opinion again by that man. The San Francisco people have seen the comet, and appear to be getting pretty full of it. This is what one newspaper remarks on it : — "We entertain no serious objection to c imets. We can't see why a star should no; take as much solid satisfaction in a tail as a Chinaman, but our very soul is harrowed at the way people have in looking for them. Why do they collect in a crowd, as if there were but one point of vantage from which a view could be obtained ? Why do they all gaze steadily in one direction, when they might justfas well be prospecting the heavens elsewhere? And why, O why— this is our pathetic appeal— is it necessary to summon to the face that expression of consummate idiocy which graced every countenance turned upward the other night. Look for the comet by all means if you want, O easily gulled public, but don't scare an inoffensive and sometimes brave citizen into timidity by appearing before him as a band of imbeciles just escaped from an emotional asylum." A friend of mine who never pays a tailor's bill except in an unguarded moment, put me up to a little dodge the other day, which is perhaps worth knowing. He says if ever you want to run an account with a tailor in Dunedin, select one who keeps a conspicuous dog. These animals act as a sort of distance-signal, and indicate the approach of the man you do not wish to meet. As I was sauntering down the street with my friend last week, he suddenly exclaimed, "I'm off, old man. The dogs." "What dogs?" I asked. " The spotted dogs," he replied, and off he bolted. The moral of this tale is, that a man who collects money should not keep a well-known dog. Gentle reader, have you ever bought a crawfish early in the morning, to take home for supper? Grubbe bought a species of Crustacea of the genus Astacus, alias a crawfish, the other day for his evening meal, but I don't think he will ever buy another, and if he does, it will be " sent out" for him. He put this fish in his pocket, and then went as one of a deputation to interview the Superintendent as to the Forbury Railway. Everything went on very well when Grubbe rose to speak, and after airing his eloquence for a few minutes he sat down, but not for long. Grubbe let go a yell, roared out "Oh !" put his hand near his coat-tail pocket, and then one member of the deputation withdrew. Later on in the day he went to sign the call for a new Presbyterian minister, but before he had written the first letter of his name, he shouted out "Oh !" again, so there was one less on that list. In the evening he attended the Piggery meeting, but all they could get out of him there was "Oh!" When that crawfish arrived at home, I believe the points of his claws were a mixed mass of Mosgiel tweed and gore. Some of the saloon new chums who have arrived here lately excel in point of cheek any I have ever met. One, a new arrival from Hobart Town, interviewed the manager of a bank in town, and coolly informed him that he was short of cash — in fact a broker — but was anxious to buy six lighters and a small steam dredge. Would the manager have the goodness to advance the cash, when Mr. Lime-juice would purchase the lighters and dredge, and hand them over to the Bank as collateral security. Unfortunately for Limejuice, Mr. Tailors Dummy, the manager, did not look at the transaction in this light, so that little affair did not come off. So we are to have a Piggery and a Marine Store. Well, as far as the former important addition to colonial industries is concerned, I think we have several established already. Any day that Mr. Pavletich has an hour to spare I will take him to certain localities where he can see the very height of piggery properly carried out. So far as the Marine Store is concerned, I consider it affords a splendid opportunity to thieves, both young and old, to "shake" mats, lead, brass knobs off doors, cum multis allis. I cannot leave the beat this week without alluding to the excessively bad taste displayed by Mr. St. Vincent in singing uch songs as the " New Chum Captain," and bringing the names of several respecable and well-known ladies and gentlemen before the public. Alexander has been tried and committed, and there let the matter rest, not sit on him by producing miserable rhyme which any schoolboy would be ashamed of. If it had the slightest' pretensions to wit or humour, one might put up with it ; but a lot' of words strung together after the style of

"noses " and "roses," or "breezes" and " sneezes," is simply execrable. Mr. St. Vincent, the best tiling you could do _ to gain popularity in Dunedin, is to sing well what is written for you by far abler hands than yours, and don't attempt any home-spun rubbish. I have just seen a very neatly got-up pamphlet, entitled " A Treatise on the Human Hair," by Mr. F. Beissel. The information contained in this little work goes to prove that the public cannot do better than use Cantharides Cream. I I will give one extract from the pamphlet which I think will be of especial interest to children : — " When the functions of the excretory pores and sebaceous glands are interrupted, the skin becomes dry, and the cuticle may be said partially to perish ; the dead particles are then thrown off by cuticular exfoliation." On a man being brought up at the R.M. Court the other day, the Magistrate remarked, " You are charged with drunkenness, what have you to say for yourself ?" The man replied, "It's the first time, your worship, so how much will it be if I pay cash ?" He got off for ss. Moral— "A nimble ninepence is worth a dull shilling." Constable X.