Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1189, 12 September 1874, Page 21

Varieties.

When is a Lady like a very Pungent Plant ? — When she is a little chilly. Mark Twain says: " It is a blessed thing to live in a land of plenty, if you have plenty of land."

A ciuminal, listening to his counsel's plea, burst into tears, exclaiming, U I didn't feel before that I suffered half so much !"

A Missouri woman won a house and garden in a raffle, and then she had to buy a rifle to keep her adorers from wearing out t'»e steps. An advertisement announces, " For sale, an excellent young horse— would suit any timid lady or gentleman, with a long silver tail."

" I svy Pat, do you know what time the boat sails ?" " How do you know my name is Pat ?" " I guessed it." " Then ym can guess what time the boat sails."

" ALAOic.poor gentleman.howgothethere?" exclaimed Mrs. Siddons, on hearing that a French merchant had died in his bureau, which she took to mean his desk.

A country hotel-keeper writes his own bill of fare, thereby saving the cost of printing. It announces : — " Coffy, soupe, roste befe, fride ham, boyled and baked potatys, fride coul puddin and mins pie."

"Do you not think, my dear," said a doting mother to her husband, "that our Adolphus has a great talent for saying things which nobody else says ? " " Yes, and also for saying tilings which nobody ever ought to say," was the unfeeling response.

Shell Out. — A scientific paper devotes some space to a description of the mode of making imitation tortoise-shell. Surely the cheapest and best substitute for the real article would be the shell of the well-known mock turtle.

A speculative Scotch gentleman wanted to dispose of some bees, so, to attract purchasers, he printed the following placard :—: — " Extensive sale of live stock, comprising nofc less than one hundred and forty thousand

head, wi h an unlimited right of pasturage." The ingenious trick succeeded to admiration, for his stock brought high prices. " Where's that twelfth juror ?'' exclainx d an Idaho judge, on the Court's resuming business after a recess, scowling as he spoke at the eleven jurors in the box, one of whom rose and said, " Please, judge, it's Ike Simmons as is gone. He had to go on private business } but he's left his vuddick with me !" Sevkiik,— There was a well-known quack doctor, with whom Gavrick was at war, .and who brought out some indifferent plays. Garrick wrote this epigram on him :— " For physic and farces His equal there scavco Is ; His farces are physic, Jfclis physio a iuroe is." A New York paper tells of a Vermont bachelor who one day set the table in his lonely abode with plates for himself and an imaginary wife and five children. He then | sat down to dine, and as often as he helped himself to food he put the same quantity on each of the other plates, and surveyed the* prospect, at the same time computing the cost. He is still a bachelor. Lord Chesterfield happened to be at a ball in France where Voltaire was one of the guests. The former was gazing about the brilliant circle of ladies, when Voltaire accosted him with. "My lord, I know you are a judge; which are the more beaut i I ul— the English or the French ladies ?"- " Upon my word," replied his lordship, with his usual presence of mind, " I am no connoisseur of paintings," Shakp Practice.— Limb of the Law; " What do you mean, sir ? You said distinctly, when I asked you the price of your ducks, they were any price I Jilted. Well, half-a-crown a pair's the price I like, and there s the money ; and they're legally mine, as you'll find to your cost if you're foolish enough to summon me.' (Puts ducks inio bag, and walks off, leaving worthy tradesman dumbfoundered.) It is said that the great pianist Liszt found himself recently in thu company of a number of ladies, who beyged him to produce for them "the ecstncies, the artistic ruptures, which his artistic tulent inevitably produced." tie obligingly seated himself nt the piano and played. When lie had finished, soinu of the admirers had fmnted, » Well," said Lifzt, " I played wrong notes all through, ntentionally ; s.o badly, indeed, that I should have been turned out of doors at any elementary school of music." Owjng to a recent outbreak of cholera, the Roman authorities punched and fumigated all letters from suspected places ; but one of the clerical town-councillors complained of their inconsistency, for, while they wore so particular about letters, they allowed telegrams to come in without fumigation Noticing 1 an incredulous smile, as ho supposed, on the faces of some of his companions he drew seve. al teleyrams from his pocket, ami throw them on the council-table, saying, " Gentleim 1 " you seem to doubt it—there, then, is tho evidence." The LJnited States' newspapers have a cha. racteristio story about a Virginia railway company that was made to pay twenty-five dollars for killing a rooster. The engineer suiil thac he spoke to the gentleman as kindly as possible with the whistle, buc when the fellow dropped one winj? on the ground, raised his good eye heavenward, and com. menced whetting his spur on ihe rail, forbearance ceased to be a virtue, and ha let into him with thirteen freight cars, and forwarded him to his bappy scratching- ground by light* ning express. Fkedkrick 11. of Prussia set a remarkable, example to his court in the simplicity of his dress. A story is told that, on a stranger's requesting to be shown the royal wardrobe, a large cupboard was opened completely empty. » But that's not the wardrobe ?" remarked the visitor. " Excuse me, sir," re* plied the guide, " there are no others." " But where are the king's vestments ?" " Ah, I should have told you his Majesty is gone out I" « Well ?" " Well, when the king goes out naturally he puts on his clothes." "Well?" " Well, when he has his clothes on, naturally he takes his clothes with htm." " And then ?" «• Oh, then, there are none left here !" A Clever " Sell."— A " sell " was enacted the other day within a hundred miles of Ventnor, of so elaborate, complete, and elegant a character, and for so sacred an object— that of local church restoration— that it seems unjust to limit it to the southern extremity of Great Britain. A " fine art collection, with some curious specimens from the Ashantee war," was on view " at the file cMutnptre at Steephill Castle," and on the cover of the catalogue it was particularly requested that visitors would not " injure or deface the works with their sticks or umbrella?. " Here are a few of the objects of the collection. The first on the catalogue, entitled "Horse Fair," by R. Bonheur, consisted of a small collection of beans, oats, &c. ; " Heroes of Waterloo," by Schumacher, were represented by a couple of boots— a Wellington and a Blucher— in an advanced state of dilapidation ; " The Meet of Her Majesty's Hounds," by S. H. Baker, was seen in two or three dog. biscuits ; "A Bridal Scene," by J. Sadler, consisted of an antiquated donkey's bridle j " Sweet Memories of Childhood." by E. Tophi, consisted of a small section of lollipops j " Lynx in Repose," by A. Constable, showed a few detached portions of rusty chain ; "The Lay of the Last Minstrel," by P. Warbler, was an egg ; "A Wead Shot," by F. Furness, was a spent rifle bullet ; " The Fire of London," by B Pitman, was a piece of coal; "The Dripping Well," by T. Inman, was a dripping-pan ; "A Brush with a Cutter off Deal," by Cutler, showed a brush with a knife lying near a plank ; "Acrobats," by Z. Blower, showed a couple of tumblers ; "Under Cover," by Herring, was a fine hloater under a table-cover; and "The Wearied Grinder," by O. Stumpe, with the motto, " Change and decay in all around I see," consisted of an old and carious tcoth. Amongst the " portraits," that of Mr. John Bright was represented by a kitchen-jack in a state of admirable polish ; whilst the renderings of Perm (life-size), Bacon, Peel, Bonaparte, and Churchwardens, will not be difficult of suggestion. The last work of all but one bore this enviable distinction — it was a portrait entitled "A Liberal Patron of the Pine Arts," byM. Selfe, and consisted of a mirror, in which the " sold " visitor saw a reflection of his own amused or bewildered features.

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