Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 1630, 26 August 1871, Page 21

Varieties.

Not a Mis?. — A pretty widow. The Best Revolver Orr. — The world. Visionary Fruit. — The apple of the eye, Box d.s Ir r ce d cch able. — V aga-bonds . Huw to Skkve a Dixxer. — Eat it. Rapid Consumption*. — Bolting one's food, A Bird Qf ill O.mex. — A swallow of brandy,, "Loxu axd SuccrssruL Reicx." — The deluge, A svre way to stop a woman's mouth — kiss it. Good resolutions, like fainting ladies, want carrying out. Melancholy Trees— The weeping willow and the pine apple, Till: ties that connect business men with the public — Adveitise. Every plain girl has one consolation ; though not a pretty young lady, she will, if she lives, be a pretty old one. All the biographies of the great and the Rood show that not one of them had a fashionable mother. TuouciH men boast of holding the reins, the women generally tell which way they must drive. Law is like a sieve ; you can see through it, but you must be considerably reduced before you can get through it. If a hair ot a dog is good for his bite, that exp'ains why sulphur, which comes from i Vesuvius, is good for eruptions. We have heard of but one old woman who j kissed her cow, but there are thousands of young ones who have kissed great calves. If a man loses his breath it is of no use to run for it. He can catch it quicker by standing still. Innocence is like an umbrella — when once ■we have lost it we may never hope to see it back again. It is not necessary that a postman should possess' a good voice ; but it is a most essential thing that he should have a good delivery. Tub man who sang, " 0 breathe no more that simple air," was recommended to go into the smoking car, where the air was more mixed. " Never listen to flatterers, my dear," Baid a mother to her daughter. "Why, mamma, how should I know they are flatterers unless I listen to them ':" People who are not always fishing for compliments do not need very long lines. They will get their best bites in shallow water. Daughter — " Well, to tell the truth, I don't think much of the close of the sermon." Father — "Probably you were thinking more of the clothes of the congregation." At the Academy. — Young lady (indignantly) — "Now, I told you, papa, this wasn't the fashionable hour. We'll have nothing hut these horrid pictures to look at until the people come !" Hi:artli:ssPillaoe. — Mary Ann — " Ain't that a sweetly elegant chignon, Jemima ':" Jemima — "And not dear, neither, Mary Ann : the stuffin's all out of missus's heasychair." Ax American female lecturer says — "Get married, young men, and be quick about it. Don't wait for the iuillenium, for girls to become angels. You'd look well beside an angel, wouldn't you, you blockheads ?" A Wisconsin schoolboy, having very goodnaturedly helped another in a difficult lesson, was angrily questioned by the teacher, " Why did you work him his lesson ?" "To lesson his work," replied the youngster. A lkttcr was posted at a village post office that had no postage stamp upon it, but in place of the stamp had the following written on the envelope: — "Mr Postmaster, don't charge no postage on this ; the stamp 1 ■wouldn't stick, so I tore tho thing up." j

M, GamsETTa appears to have quitted Madvid, where, he received many attentions, \ to return to his own country. He is reported to havo aaid that in Frauve there is a Republic worse than tv Monarchy, and in Spaiu a Monarchy very like a Ropubliu, Not to m Hki'j;ati',u, — Thu iuooji«ibtonoies in the financial policy of the Chancellor of | the Exchequer neud uxcite no surprise ; after his Australian experience, we expect to iind in the honourable member a little in-kan-garooifcy, The sixtieth anniversary of the marriage of Count Wrangle was lately celebrated m Germany. It is said that during that long period there has been no matrimonial quarrelling, although there have been several little ■wrangles. A JoKK IN" C'OCKT, MAIiK AT AX EARLY staoe or a ckrtaix Trial. — Why is the claimant in the suit of Tichborne v. Tiohborne like a man who has not been acknowledged as the owner of a baloou '! — Because we do not know whether he is the heir or not (aeronaut). A Yorxcj hvdy of Tndianapolis was endeavouring to imjjress upon the winds of her Sunday scholars the sin and terrible punishment of Nebuchadnezzar, and when she said that for seven years he ate grass, like a co\y, she was astonished by a little girl, v. ho asked, " Did he give milk ? " A Ga^k Two vax Play at. — Guard (to excited passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the^ train ia starting) — "Ye're too late, air. Ye canna enter, "' Stalwart Aberdonian—"A 1 maun," Ciuard (holding him back) — "Ye canua. 5 ' Aberdoniau — "Toll ye a' maun — a' weel !" gripping guard) " f a' manna ye camia. "' CoMnjMENTABY. — Collier (about the dog) — Yes, sir, aw got him in Manchester, yonder, an 1 doctor, aw' 3 going t' ax ye, hey y' ony objection tiv us nainin him efther ye ? Young medical man (rather pleased)— Uh, dear me, by all means ; don't know about the compliment, though ; he's not a beauty to look at. Collier — Mebbees not. doctor ; but — smash ! — mini, he's a beggar to kill. The Young Men's Christian Association at Dover, England, does a foolish thing as eaaily as some of our home associations. It excluded the London Punch from its readingroom, as being an immoral publication ; but it was so thoroughly laughed at all over the kingdom that it has reversed its first decision, and resolved by a small majority that Punch is moral. Moral for the reader : Don't make a fool of yourself because there is no law against it. A max, being overtaken by a shower, sought shelter from the rain in the house of a negro fiddler. On entering, he found the negro in the only dry spot in the house — the chimney comer — as happy as a clam, fiddling ' most merrily. Our traveller tiied to keep dry, but the rain came in from all quarter*.. Jack (9aid he), why don't you nx your house ? 0, cause 'er rain so I can't. — But why don't you fix it when it don't rain V 0, when 'er don't rain, 'er don't need no fixing.