Varities.

Otago Witness, Issue 987, 29 October 1870, Page 20

Varities.

The Slave op thk King.— A, new made wife Ne-w Division op Time. — " The rest of the week " Sunday. "What would be the best remedy for a child in a fit ?— Kid-reviver. Yachting is conducted on the principle of B ' Large sails and small profits." A So >teh gentlemen puts the postage stamp the wrong way upon letters, and calls it, with tender feeling, turning a penny. A man lately appeared with legs so attenuated that his authorities had him arrested because he had no visible means of support. Grinning and Bearing it.—" We all owe BOtnethiru to our country," said the Briton who went abroad without having paid his Income-tax. An old soaker replied to a temperance lecturer by the following poser :— " If water rots the soles of your boots, what effect must it have on the coat of your stomach ?" GotJgh tells of a man who, when he was about to be married to his fourth wife, and the minister requested the happy couple to rise, remarked eeutwtiously, "I've usually

A Missouri newspaper claims that the hogs of that State are so fat that in order to find out where their heads are it is necessary to make them squeal, and then judge by the sound.

"Do you think," asked Mrs. Pepper, " that a little temper is a bad tiling in a woman ?" " Certainly not, ma'am," replied a gallant philos ; " it is a good thing, and 6he ought never to lose it "

One of the gentle sex says that the heaven of the strong-minded woman is " where buttons grow in their places, and where men cease from bothering, and needles are at rest."

'* You never saw such a happy lot of people as we had here yesterday," said a landlady in Indiana to a newly-arrived guest ; " there were thirteen couples of 'em." "What! thirteen couples just married ? " " Oh, no, sir ; thirteen couples just divorced." A tocth asked Count Montroud, the memoir writer, to teach him the art of succeeding in society. " Oh, it is simple enough," said the Count. "Talk to the middle-aged and young ladies, and listen when the old ones talk to you. "

A man having been brought before a Dutch justice of the peace, in Albany county, on a charge of having four wives, the astonished magistrate exclaimed, "You let dat man go. If he lif s vit four wives he has punishment enough. I life vit only yon, and dats more'n I can shtand."

A gentleman who had just returned from Arkansas heard the following conversation at a tavern : " Holloa, boy !" Holloa, yourself 1" " Can I get a breakfast here ?" I don't reckon you can." " Why not ?'' " Masaa's away, mistress is drunk, the baby's got the measles, and I don't care a darn for nobody.' Nat M was a queer genius. A neighbor found him one day at work at an enormous wood-pile, Bawing away for dear life with an intolerably blunt saw. " Why don't you sharpen your saw, Nat'?" asked the neighbor. Looking up with an inimitable droll expression, " I should think I had work enough to do to saw up this wood-pile without waiting to shapen saws."

The story going the rounds of the little boy who refused to pray for his brother " because he killed my little kitten this morning," sug* gests the story of another little fellow, who, after repeating the Lord's Prayer, was accustomed, to extemporise, and on one occasion prayed, " Please God, bless papa and mamma, and — and— if you're a mind to, you may bless Aunt Effie — but I donH muck care.'*

Didn't Help the Matteb Much. — A Jew pedlar walked into a broker's office and offered pens for sale. " You've come to steal a coat, not to sell pens," said .the broker, as he thrust him out. " The following Saturday the pedlar appeared in all the glory of his Sabbath clothes. " Now, sir," he asked, with an air of triumph, "do I look as though I come to steal a coat ?" " No," replied the broker, " you look as though you had stolen one."

An amusing instance is told in the Obitaary notice of the late Henry Placide, who died on the 23d January on Long Island. A struggle similar to the O. P. Kiots occurred during his management of the Park Theatre. Its interests were entrusted to a Board, and its members endeavored to quell the disturbances, appealing to the audience from the stage box. But a single trustee succeeded in getting a moment's hearing, and he had beeri a restaurant keeper. In the silence which followed his appearance he implored his fel* low-citizens to say what they would hare. "Boast beef, well done," instantly replied 4 voice from the pit to the well-known purveyor 1 of " witties," and the roar of laughter which followed put the house into good humor.

The Monakch and the Architect. — Louis XIV. taking air in the garden of Versailles with his courtiers, saw Mansard, the architect, walking through one of the alleys. He soon joined the old man, and Mansard took off his hat, as was strict etiquette in the presence of his sovereign ; but the Grand Monarque lifted up his hand in friendly reprehension, and said, " Pray, keep it on. The evening is damp, and you may take cold." The courtiers, who were all standing bareheaded around the king as was the custom, stared at each other at this extraordinary show of courtesy. But Louis XIV. observing their surprise, said, " Gentleman, yon are amazed ; but learn this, I can make a duke or a marquis with my own breath, but God only can make a Mansard."

Anecdote or O'Connell. — During the Repeal agitation in Ireland, a gentlemen con* nected with the Times was sent by that journal to report O'Connell's rather treasonable speeches. One of the first meetings which the reporter attended was in Kerry. Having heard of O'Connell's polite qualitu'i, he thought he would ask that gentleman's permission to take a verbatim account of the oration The "Liberator*' not only consented, bat in his oiliest manner informed the assembled audience that "until that gintleman was provided with all writin' convaniences, he would not spake a word r " assuming an extra brogue, which was altogether unnecessary. The reporter was delighted. The preparations began, and were completed ; the reporter was ready, " Are you- ready ?" asked Dan. •' Quite ready." " Now are you sure you're entirely ready?" "I'm certain, sir. Yes." The crowd becoming excited and impatient, Dan said, " Now 'pon my conscience. I won't begin the speech until the London gintleman is intirely ready." After waiting another moment or bo, O'Connell advanced \ eyes glistened ; ears vrere all attention ; and the reporter's pen was ready. Dan gave one more benignant smile on the reporter, winked at the auditors, and commenced his. speech io the native Irish language, to the irrepressible horror of the gentleman on the Times, and to tbcinfloite^WpWSerry, ""—»*"

Masavilla Cocoa.— For Breakfast.— The Globe says "Various importers and manufacturers have attempted to attain a reputation for their prepared Cocoas, but we doubt whether any thorough success had been achieved until Messrs Taylor Brothers discovered the extraordinary qualities of * MaraTilla' Cocoa, Adapting their perfect system of preparation to this finest of all species of theTheobroma, they have produced an article which supersedes every other Cocoa in the market. Entire solubility, a dehoate aroma, and a rare concentration of the purest elements of nutrition, distinguish the Maravilla Cocoa above all others. For homoeopaths and invalids we could not recommend a more agreeable or valuable beverage." Sold in packets only by a'l Grocers, of whom also .may be had Taylor Brothers' Original Homceopathio Cocoa and Soluble Chocolate. Steam Hills — Brick Lane, London, — [Advt.

Important Caution.— The uaprecedented success of Rowlands' Macassar Oil during the last half century in promoting the growth, restoring, and beautifying the human hair, has caused imitators to spring up in every possible variety : some so far copy the label as frequently to deceive the unwary ; some offer to dispose of the recipe of a Macassar Oil (omitting Rowlands' name), with other recipes of a similar character, for a few postage stamps ; whilst others profess to manufacture the real (?) article at a considerably reduced price, if the public will only purchase it. Indeed, the name of these wretched purloiners from cheap and trashy receiptbooks is Legion, and calls for more than usual care on the part of the purchasers in their selection of articles for the toilet. Messrs Rowlands have complaints repeatedly from parties who have materially suffered from the use of these trashy compounds ; and, to frustrate to some extent such impositions, purchasers should see that Row* lands' name is on the wrapper of each bottle. Wholesale Agents for New Zealand— Messrs Kempthorne, Prosser, and Co., Dunedin.— [Advt.]