Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 931, 2 October 1869, Page 16

Varieties.

Brief Periods. — Law terms. Harbour Drink. — Port Wine. Just the pudding for Cricketers. — A batter. , I Good Name j?or a Scotch Policeman. J — Macnab. The Vessel that no Woman objects to Embark in. — A court-ship. A Mien Advantage. — A superiority in appearance. Bob Acres. — Teeth extracted at a shilling each. I A Good Wat to Find A Woman Out.— Call when she isn't at home. To the Commander-in«Chief. — Is it better for a dragoon in battle to charge on a chestnut or a war-nut ? Mrs. Partington declares that she thinks it very strange that a little quicksilver in a glass tube can make such awful hot weather by just rising it an inch or so. A person of experience crystalizes the wisdom he has acquired in the following sentence : " Courtship is bliss, but Matrimony is blister." " Is there any danger of the boa-constrictor biting ? " asked r lady visitor at the Zoological Gardens. " Not the least, mann," replied the keeper ; " he never bites — he swallows his wittles whole 1 " English in Paris. — Do you know what are the first questions always asked by an excursionist in Paris ? No ! Then I'll tell you. "How many francs do I get for this sovereign ?" •' Where do they sell pale nle ?" and '• Wlicre shail we see the Emperor ?" Cons.— What most clogs a commercial traveller ?— His pattc(r)ns. What is nn annual crop of hair ? An yenr wig. What is the use of a cradle ? — For kid-napping. How can you sing waterproof ?— By pitching your voice. "QuEKir.s." — Why are people who stutter not to be relied on ? Because they arc always breaking their word — When do two and two make four ? When they stand for 22.— Why is a barrister like a retail liquor dealer ? Because his business depends upon his stand* ing at the bar. I'll bet a sheep," said Old Meredith to his better half, "that our boy Otho is going crazy ; fur he's grinnin' at the plough, he's grinnin' at the barn, and he's grinnin' to himself wherever he goes." " Sho 1 old man I" said his wife, " you don't know notliin'. The critter's got a love-letter." Apvektiskmknts. — " Wanted, a God-fear-ing young man, as junior assistant to the general drnpery trade. Must be pushing, active, and industrious."— " Wanted, by a rcady-mado clothing establishment, a good salesman and window-dresser. Satisfactory references as to abilities and Cliristinn character required." Richard Baritam, the author of the " Ingoldsby Legends," though a kind hearted man, could occasionally nay an excessively bitter thing. A young spendthrift ran through an immense fortune and then blew his brains out. On a friend expressing his surprise at tho rash deed, to Barham, the latter said, " I sec nothing strnngd in his conduct ; his fortune having all gone to the devil, It is natural ho should go to look after it." Arctic Dtscovwtr.— George Column, tho younger, was dining at Lord Mulgrave's, when, just before joining the Indies, he was loitering about the picture of Lord Mulgrave's brother locked up in the ice, in tho Arctic expedition in which Nelson sailed as a middy. Lord Mulgrave holding the lamp, said, "What is that my brother has got hold of ? It is a boat-hook?"— -"No my lord," said Colraan, in his half.throttlod, witty voice, "Its tlw North Pole J" TRAcniwa iiy Examflr, "What ia tho 'Poet's License,' say ?" Asked row-lipped Anna of a poet t " Now, give me an example, pmy t That vrhen I sco it I may know it," Quick as a Dash ho plants a kiss Where perfect kisses always full 1 " Nay. sir t what liberty is this ? " " Th« foct'i Zfc'Mf-that l»«Ut r *