UNKNOWN.

Otago Witness, Issue 852, 28 March 1868, Page 14

UNKNOWN.

" Why did Adam bite the apple?" said a schoolmaster to a country lad. •' Because he had no knife," said the urchin.

Why is E the most unfortunate of letters ? — Because it is never in Cash, always in Debt, and never out of Danger. A cross old man says women take almost as much time in making up their minds as they do to make up their bodies. A lady complaining how rapidly time stole away, said, 1 ." Alas !I am now thirty." " Do not fret at it, madam," said a friend, " for you wilLget farther from that frightful epoch every day." A cool specimen of humanity stepped intoa printing office out West to beg a paper, " Because," said he, "we like to read newspapers very much, "but our neighbors are too stingy to take one." Lord Buckingham was once at a dinner where a Sir Grubb was requested to sing. He begged to be excused, ursine' that he

knew not what to sing. " Sing ' I'd be a butterfly,' " suggested the nobleman.

" I think you must allow," said a pompous gentleman, ''that my jests are very fair." "Sir. your jests a*e like yourself," was "the quick retort ; " their age renders them respectable "

"That's a thundering big falsehood!" said Tom. " No," replied Dick, " it's only a fulminating enlargement of elongated veracity." Harry took off his hat, elevated his eyes, and held his tongue. ' ' Pat, you have dated your letter a wee& a-hcad. It is not so late in the month by one week, you spalpeen. " " Troth, indade," says Pat, "an' its meself what is wanting sweet Kathleen to get it in advance of the mail. Shure, IE not care if she gets it three days afore it is written, my darlint." Lord M., who had a very exalted opinion of himself, once remarked — " Whenever I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out laughing." "Then, my lord," said Townsend, " I envy you your happiness, for you must be the merriest man in Europe." A tutor of a college, lecturing a young man on his irregular conduct, added with, great pathos, " The report of your vices will bring your father's grey haira with sorrow totlie"gi" lye -" "*- keg y° ur P ar< lon»l on » s^V replied the pupil ; "my father wears a wig." " Mtss Polly," said a comical fellow to an aged spinster, "have you heard of the late Act of the Legislature, by which all ladies with small mouths are to be provided ■with husbands ? ' "Indeed !no !"_ screwing up her mouth to a pucher. "It is a fact, however," continued the wag ; "and another clause of the Act provides all those ladies who have large mouths shall have two husbands each!" "Oh, my!" exclaimed the lady (opening her mouth as wide as a bucket) "what a wonderful curious law !"

A Marriage Cektific vte. - A soldier once waited upon his commanding officer with what he termed a very serious complaint. *' Another man," he Baid, " upbraided him that he was not married to his own wife, whom he accused of being no • better than she should be, and called her many bad names besides, which be would, be ashamed -to mention to bis honor.' '•Well, my- good fellow," answered the officer, " have you any proof that you are legally married ?" "Y< air honor, T have the best proof in the world !" Here the soldier took off Ms hat, and exhibited a cut skull, saying, "Does your honor think I'd be after - taking the same abuse from anybody but a . wife ?"