Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 846, 15 February 1868, Page 14

Varieties.

When is a flea like a locomotive ? — When it runs over the sleepers.

Wheh will the laundresses most likely strike ?— When the iron's hot.

OfTEjf a man drives a pair of greys, while he himself is driven by duns. We have heard of but one old woman that " kissed her cow," but there are thousands of .young ones that kiss great calves. "William, I am fascinated with Miss Million." "With her personal charms?" "Yes, fnirse. and all charms." ■

Two architects competed for an engage, inent. One made a long and learned dissertation on the principles of his art. The other simply said, "What my brother has so learnedly described I can do." He got the job.

A baxd man made merry at the expense of another who covered his partial baldness ■ with a wig, adding, as a clincher, "You seehow bald I am, and I don't wear a wig." "True." wis the retort, "but an empty barn requires no thatch. " "I keep the best bread," said a certain, t baker the other day to a poor fellow who complained of the inferior quality of thearticle he had purchased of him the day before. "I do not doubt it," replied the customer. " Then why do you complain ?" asked the baker. " Because I would suggest that you sell the best bread and keep the - bad," was the reply. Curean was once engaged in a legal argument. Behind him stood his colleague, a gentleman whose person-was remarkably tall ' and sleuder, and who had originally intended to take orders. The judge- observed thatrfche' case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law. "Then," said Curran, " I can refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended for the Church, 'though, in my opinion, he was fitter for the steeple." An hotel-keeper at Lancaster, Pennsylvania, recently learned something in this wisej — Two countrymen took lodgings at his place, and fared sumptuously, drinking three bottles of wine daily. The last day, and before they' had settled their bill, a dispute arose about the speed of their horsss. They at last settled upon a race, and appointed the landlord judge. When they were ready the judge, like those of the Olympian games, gave the word— one, two, three, and off. Away they went, and have neither been seen nor heard, of since.

When WMtfield preached "before the seamen at Plymouth, he used this bold apostrophe :—": — " Well,' my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making flue headway, over asmooth sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. ~ But what means this sudden lowering of the h »T'ns, and that dark cloud arising from the v, esSarn horizon? Hark ! don't you hear cisbant thunder? Don't you see those flashes of lightning ? A storm is gathering ! Every man to his duty I How the waves roar and dash against the ship ! The air is dark ! The tempest rages ! Our masts are gone !' The- ship is on her beam ends ! What next ?" The unsuspecting tars suddenly rose and exclaimed, "Take to the long-boat !" A Match for a Queen. — After Sir Paul Methuen had quitted court, Queen Caroline, who thought sue had a talent for joking, frequently saw him when she dined in company, during the king's abseu.ee at Hanover. Once, when she dined with Lady Walpole at Chelsea, Sir Paul was there as usual. People that play off their wit upon others, generally harp "upon the same string. The queen's constant' topic for teasing Sir Paul was his passion ' for rcimances, and he was weary of' it, and not in good humor with her. "Well, Sir Paul," said the queen, "what romances are you reading now?" "None, madam ; I have gone through them all " " Well, what are you reading, then?" "I have got into a very foolish study, madam — the history of the kings 1 and queens England."