Barieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 741, 10 February 1866, Page 14

Barieties.

Inscription f<jr Street Letter Boxes*. " From Pillar to Post."

What instrument may any man play upon without instruction ? His own trumpet

A LADY, playfully condemning the wearing of uhiskeis and moustaches, declared, " It is one of the fashions I invariably set my face against."

A Great Contbakiction.— A private bar at n public- house.

Quite the Worst Thing Out.— Why is the Atlantic cable like a railroad across a valley t Because it's a icire- ducked.

When is a clock like a discontented workman? When it strikes.

Water is not a fashionable beverage for drinking your friend's health, but it is a capital one for eh inking your own.

An English paper advertises "A piano for sale by a lady about to cross the channel in an oak case with carved legs."

In trying' political times, a squint-eyed courtier asked Talleyrand how things were going. " As you see, sir," said the astute diplomatist.

A School- boy, being asked by his teacher,. "Of what is the German Diet composed?" replied " Sour krout, schnapps, lager-beer, and nix-cum-rous."

A lawyer is something of a carpenter. Hecan file a bill, split a hair, make an entry, get up> a case frame an indictment, impanel a jury, put them in a box, nail a witness, hammer a judge, bore a court, and other like things.

t; Why will you persist in wearing another woman's hair ou your head 1" a«ked Acid of his wife. She retorted, " Why will you persist in, wearing other sheep's wool on your back ?"

Innocent Cre.iiure.-Aii old lady wonders that, when the thread of the Atlantic cablewas broken, the Great Eastern didn't give a tack or two, and so repair it. Her wonder is all the greater, as she was assured they hsd a very g od needle on board.

Sir W. G , when Governor ofWilliamsburj, one day returned the salute of a negro who was passing. " Sir," said a gentleman present,, "do you condescend to salute a slave?" " Why, yes," replied the Governor, " I cannet suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in good manners."

"Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white soldier. "*WaI, massa," said the contraband, " did you ever see two dogs fightin' for a bone?" " Certainly, Ginger." i( Wai, did yon ever sec dc bone fight ?"' " > T ot I." " Wai, massa, you're bof fightin', and Ginger's de bone. Guess dis nigger won't fi^ht."

"For shame! I ' exclaimed the bird. "Godless creature ! you are going to eat me without saying grace. 1 " Reynard, abashed, folded his paws, turned up his eyes, opened his mouth, and out flew the bird ! " Bother !" said the fox, " henceforth I shall only say grace after meals."

The poet Thomson had an uncle, a clever^ active mechanic, who could do many things with his hands, and contemplated James's iudolent dreamy character with impatient disgust. When the first portion oi the '• Seasons " was ready for publication, Jamie thought, by a presentati n copy, to triumph over his uncle's scepticism ; and to propitiate his pood opinion he had the book handsomely bound. The old man never looked inside, or asked what the book was about ; but, turning- it round aiid round with his fingers in gratified admiration, exclaimed, "Come, is that really our Jamie's doin' now? — well, I never thought the creatur wad hae had the handicraft to do the like."