Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 740, 3 February 1866, Page 14

Varieties.

Who is it that mvambiv takes precedence o both Louis Nnpoleon and Queen Victoria ? Their respective coachmen, and their hoise? too

Never flirt with a young- widow who call* you by your Christian name the second time you meet her, unless you have quite made your mind up to the worst.

Mental Abstraction.— Stealing the ideasof others and fancying them your own.

STUBBSsaid to one of his debtors, "Isn't it about time you paid me that little bill .'" " My dear sir," was the condoling reply, " it's not a question of time, i.'s a question of money."

Lord Cockbtjrv, the proprietor of Bonaly, was sitting on the hillside with a shepherd, and observing the sheep reposing in the coldest situation, he remarked to him, "John, if I were a sheep I would lie on the other side of the hill." "Ah, my lord," said the shepherd, " but if yehad been a sheep ye wud hae had nnir sense."

The Schoolmaster's Toast. — The fair daughters of England. May they ndd virtup tobeauty, subtract envy from friendship, multiply amiable accomplishments by sweetness of temper, divide time by sociality and economy, aad reduce scandal to its lowest denomination by .a modest Christian deportment.

Woman's Wit.—'- Do let me have your carte de visite," sari a d:i«fiinjr. belle to a gentleman who had been annoying her with his attention. Of course the gentleman was delighted, thinking he had made an impression on the lady's heart, and in a short time the picture was sent, she gave it to the servant, with the question, "Would you know the oiiginal if he should rail?" The servant replied in the affirmative. " Well, when he comes tell him I am engaged."

An editor and his wife were walking out in the bright moonlight one eveninar. Like all editors* ■wives, she was of an exceedingly poetic nature, and said to her mate—" Notice that moon ; how bright, ami cairn, and beautiful!" "Couldn't think of noticing it," returned the editor, "for anything less than the usual rates -a dollar and fifty cents for twelve lines."

Let Good Thixgs Go Round.— -"Fc^t socrers," said a newly- elected lieutenant of tbe militia, "I am all-fired obliged to you for this sliove-up in the ranks you h ive given me. Feller sobers, I am not going to f< rget your kindness soon, not by a darned s-ight; and I'll tell you wiiat it i«, I'll stick to my post like pitch to a pine hoard, «o long as there's ppace ; but as I go in for rotation in office, and if we should come to blows with the British, darned if I don't resign right off, and give every feller a fair shake for fame and glory."

The late Rev. Gporge More, minister of the Secession Church, North Shields, father of the late Ffcrofessor Shank More, of Edinburgh University, was noted for his humorous and ready answers. He was riding on horse-back one storm y day, enveloped in a loose cloak of large proportions, and having a broad scarlet collar. By the strong netiou of the wind the cloak wm tossing about in all directions, when an English sentleman rode up on a spiiited charger. The Englishman's horse shied, and almost threw the rider. "That cloak of yours would frighten the devil!" said the Englishman "Man," replied Mr More, " that's just my trade."

Purchaser of the Olden Time.— "At a remote period an old wormn stepped into a clieese-dealer's shop not a hundred milis from the cross of ' Auld Killie,' and inquired, ' Hae you ony quid cheese the day ?' 'On ay.' ' Let's pree't.' A small piece was held out to her on the point of n formidable knife to pree, when she immediately gave two loud smacks with her mouth and vociferated — ' Na, that 11 no do ; I hae mair skill o' cheeso than a' that comes tae ' ' Aweel, awed,' said the storekeeper, who wo 3 well known at that time by the sobriquet of ' honest Jamie' — ' I hae plenty mair,' the merchant being void of the modern counter polish. Another piece was handed to her in the same style, when she exclaims — ' Oh ay, that's something like the thing.' 'Aweel, aweel. Mrs , hoo muckle dae ye want V The order, of course, was small, and very soon executed, when otf she set, no doubt highly pleased with her clever transaction. An old acquaintance being in the shop at the lime, took occasion, after the pood woman had retired, to twit Jamie th us — 'That one's fit for you; she really seemed to be an able hand for you.' When he immediately retorted, ' Aweel, aweel, she has jist got a bit aff the tother half o J the cheese !"'—" Kilmaraock Journal."