Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 715, 12 August 1865, Page 18

Varieties.

A Model Fish.— The seal-in-wax. When does a cow beco.ne real estate? When she is turned into a field. Epitaph on an Actor. • Exit ! "The Gentlcnu-n of the Lo.ig Rube "—Babyboys, before they are shortened " I live in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy, in Colman's hearing. " I dou't W"ii'er at it," replied George, " since I observe she had a sty in them when I saw her last." At the Alma there was a French wi<ig to the n'C'htot the English. Lord Raglan, glancing at his empty sleeve, observed, " Franco owed me an arm, and she lias paid it." A young 1 professor at one of the colleges married a lady twenty years his senior. This was said, by a witty friend, to be a proof of hi^ ambition, as lie appeared desirous of studying " the ancients." A Question for the Weather- wKe.— When the thermometer f ills, how oiten, on an average, does it break ? A gentleman having attended a country chapel at which a local preacher, who was a baker, otfi j eiatcd, was a^ked by a iriend if lie did not think | the sermon an eloquent one. " Yes.," was the | reply, " quite aflo>i,ri/ di=course." j An Irish pea-ant being askel why he pprI mitted his piir to take up his quarters witli his I family, made answer, " Why not ? Doesn't the place afford every convanience that a pig can require ? ' An English baronet, who died not" many years ago. being on one occasion found in his • ann-chair" alone, with three empty bottles before j him, was asked, " What ! have you finished all | that port without assistance.'" — "I\'o,'' said he, ! '" not quite so, certainly ; I had the assistance ot a I bottle of Madeira." Acoodjokeof Lord P.ilmerston's was at one , time in circulation apropos of hi-, reported insult ' of the Marylebone vestry as "local tinkers." I |"oh, that s :i mere error of the tires-*," said he, I"a letter dropped — I must have,, said 'local thinkers.' " ' "My dear sir," said Drumstick* to a young J married gentleman, wh > had ju'it been made a] father to a bouncing b iby, " my drar sir, can you tell me in what your present position varies fiorn I that of the same individual one year ac;o ? " — | " Can't say that I can, DminsticW -" I will i tell you. On j year ago you were a sighing lover , — now you are a loving sire " j Quin could overthrow even Foote. At one time they had had a quarrel and weie reconcile:!. but Foote was still a little piqued. "Jemmy," said he, " you should not hive said that [ had but ! one shirt, and that I lay in bed while it was washe !."—'" Sammy," replied tha actor, '• I could not have siid >o, for I never knew that | you had a shirt to wash." OruiD of Teetotalism. — ' A frog," says Professor Bump, " is an amphibious animal what liquors on c Id water, and consequent! v invented the teetotal society. He always walks with a jump, he does ; and when he sits down his to staud up. Being a lover of native melodies, he gives free concerts on every n\glit, he does hiin-*-elf. He likewise penvides ni usie for the million, which has been so called because it usually is heard in a mill-pond He is a warmint what ain't so bad when broiled on a gridiron. } A Fair Retort.— The late Mr Cobdeu usi-d to tell the following anecdote :: — '• When in America," said lio, '• 1 asked an enthusiastic American I lady why her country could not re-t •satisfied with the immense unoccupied territories it already possessed, but niuscever be hankeriuu ''fter the lands of its neighbors, when her somewhat remarkable reply was, ' Oh, the propensity is a very bad one. 1 admit; but we came honesth by it, for we in- j herited it from England.' " " I The late King of Prussia once sent toanaid-de- | camp, Colonel Malachowki, who was very brave | but poor, a small portfolio, bound like a book, j in which were deposited five hundred crowns. Some time afterwards he met the office, and said to him, " Ah, well, how did you like the new wor'c I <=ent you V " Excesshelv, sire," replied the colonel. ■' 1 read it with such interest, that I await the second volume with i.npatL*nce." The King- smiled, and when the officer's birthday arrived he presented him with another portfolio, similar in every respect to the first, but with these words engraved on it — " This work is complete m two volumes." Novel Cure for the Toothache. — In a certain border town there lived an old woman, who, being almost at her wit's end with toothache, bethought herself of a cure. Knowing the causes of lockjaw, she thought the thumb of the left hand must be connected with die teeth or gums, and therefore resolved to try a mustard poultice on the thumb. Strange to siy, it had the desired | effect of entirely removing the sting. Such a cure, so ch<up and simple, is surely worth a trial by those afflicted with toothache, especially since the discoverer herself was a victim, and caii give her own testimony as to the efficacy of the remedy. Some of our readers may recollect an eatinghouse, which existed about thirty years ago, near the head of the Ilaymarket, London, called " The Genuine Corn-Beef House." Here, on paving a fixed price, any one could get set before him a round of salt beef, of which he might eat, as the French 'term it, a discretion. An M.P., a noted gourmand, took advantage of this, and the landlord, coming into the room, saw that the round had sustained a very largo diminution. " A nice round this, landlord," said the guest ; " one can cut and come again."' — " Quite so," answered the landlord • " and I see how well you can cut ; but blow me if you'll ever come again." A Novel Sign. — The following was on a *ign at a public-house near Morningside, Edinburgh, thirty years ago : — "We hae a' kinds o' Whisky, frae Glealivat sac clear, That ne'er gaes a headache — to the five-bawbee We hae Gin' Rum, Shrub, and ither nicknackets, For them wham the clear stuff their brain sets in rackets. We hae fine Yill irae Peebles, an' Porter frae Lonuon — Ginger beer frae the toon, and Sma', brisk an' foaming ; We hae Teas, Bread an* Cheese, alias Welsh Rab- 1 bits; Ham, Eggs, an' Red Herrings for wairsh tasted gabbets. If at ony time aught else should be wanted, We'll rather send fort than see freens disappointed."