Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 666, 3 September 1864, Page 22

Varieties.

' " Much remains unsung," as a torn cat said ■W hen a brickbat cut short his seranade. Why . are cobblers eligible for medical dipiomas ? Because they're all skilled in the art of heeling. When a man happens to speak with a quiver in his voice, is it right to think his speech is an arrow minded one ? Why is a man who saves a ship's company from destruction like Richard of the Lion Heart? Because heY a crews -aider (crusader). " Mrs Smith, did you say in the hearing of my little girl, that I was a great rusty cat?" " No, my dear Mrs Jones, i said you were a great aristocrat." Why is the letter F like death ? It makes all Fail. The beautiful tresses of young ladies are now called bead-strings. Time is money— of course it is, or how could you " spend an evening?" The geological character of the rock on which drunkards split is stid to be the quartz. The true theory of woman's rights is to educate the girls thoroughly, and then let the women do as they have a mind to, A virtuous mind in a fair body is like a fine picture placed in a good light. Men are sometimes tried by juries— but, alas! how much oftener by injuries. However much a pawnbroker's shop may be crowded, it is always a loan-sum place. Why should people in their second childhood go to the sources of the Nile ? Because they live ia a se-nile condition. What is the difference between an Indian pony and a reprieve ? One h a must-ang and the other's a mustn't hang. Abstemiousness and frugality 1 are capital bankers. They jjve a handsome interest, and never dishonour a draft drawn upon them by their humblest customers. "MrSmithers, how can you sleep so 1 The sun has been up these two hours.-"' f ' Well, what if he has?" said Smithers. "He goes to bed at dark, while I'm up till after midnight." " Humble as I am," said a bullying American spouter at a meeting, " I still remember that I'm a fraction of thi3 magnificent republic." "You are indeed," said a bystander, " and a vulear one at that." _ The brother of Beethoven signed his name to distinguish himself from his lawless brother, " yon Beethoven, landowner." The immortal composer retorted by signing his, " Ludwig yon Beethoven, brain owner.' 7 " I hope yeu wi!i be able to support me," said a young lady, while walking out one day with her intended, during a slippery state of the pavement. "Why ay— yes," said the somewhat hesitating swain, " with some little assistance from your father." J A vendor of hoops was recently extolling his wares in presence of a customer's husband. "No lady should be without one of these beautiful skirts," said the vendor. " Well, of course not," dryly remarked tUe husband, who was something of a wag; "she should be within them." Consoling a Widow.— A clergyman, who was consoling a youug widow upon the death of her husband, spoke in a very serious tone, remarking that "he was one of the few. You cannot find his equal, you know." To which the sobbing fair one replied, with an almost broken heart, "I don't know, but I'll try." Some hearts, like primroses, open most beautifiilly in the Oiadows of life. Why are temperance societies a bar to friendship 1 Because they prevent shaking hands. A confectioner at Bath has brought his business to such perfection that he is now offering to the public his candi e,d opin ; on " Have the jury agreed ?" asked the bailiff of a locked-up set of twelve, whom he had left under care of his man, Denny Garry, and whom he met upon the stair with a pail in his hand. " Oh, yes," replied Denny, " they have agreed to sind out for another half gallon.'' How long Eve, the first woman, lived we do not know. It is a curious fact that in sacred history the age, death, and burial of only one woman — Sarah, the wife of Abraham — is distinctly noted. Women's age ever since appears not to have been a subject for history or discussion. Exclamation of an old "wooden liner" on hearing of the new 600-pounder— " Well, shiver ray timbers !" Lucid. — Why are thieves particularly lucid ?—? — Because they display the greatest purse-pich-uiiy. Scandals.- Why is spermaceti like a busybody ? — Because it makes scandals. Quills are defined as things that are sometimes taken from the pinions of one goose to spread the opinions of another. Characteristic. — Lord Norbury, ' the famous Irish hanging judge, is reported to have wept once, and once only, at a play. He shed tears at the close off he "Beggar's Opera," when Macheath was reprieved. Good Recommendation.— A Maltese offered his services to a dragoman at Alexandria. " Know English well, sir," said he, "have served many English gentlemen, sir; I'm English subject, sir j I get drunk, get drunk, sir." A little fellow, not "more than five years of age, hearing some gentlemen at his father's table discussing the familiar line, "An honest man's tlie noblest work of God," said he knew it wasn't true- h s mother was better than any man that was ever made As a fop was riding a very fine horse down the Camden Road, a young ana pretty lady was very evidently admiring the animal,^ when he stopped and impudently asked, " Are you admiring me, miss?" "No," was the ready reply; "I was admiring the horse, not the donkey." Drawing an Inference. — The beadle of a country parish in facotland is usually called the minister's man. To one of these, who had gone through a long course of parish official life, a gentleman one day remaiked : — " John, you have been so long about the minister's hand, that I dare say you could preach a sermon now?" John modestly replied, " Oh, na, sir, I couldna preach a sermon, but maybe I could draw an inference.'' " Well, John," said the gentleman, humouring the vanity of the old beadle, " what inference could you draw from the text, ' a wild ass snuffeth up the wind at her pleasure V " " Weel, sir, I would draw this inference— she wad snuff a long time afore she would fatten upon't"