LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON LIFE. "

Otago Witness, Issue 659, 16 July 1864, Page 21

LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON LIFE. "

A JUVENILE PARTY.

O'ROJI CHAMBURS'S JOURNAL.]

There are three " distances," as painters call them, of domestic trouble, one beyond the other in which Man, being mortal, is likely toliud himself. The first is tho bondage of matrimony simple I say "simple," because in Mohammedan countries it is permitted to marry more than one wife, while in our owi the precept, tli.it " no man can serve two masters," is happily insisted upon by The second v the position of Paterfamilias encumbered with feraife children. The third is that of Paterfamilias harassed with boys.

The writer of these words is hi the middle distance ; there is, he knows, a deeper depth beyond and from that knowledge he has sometimes reaped satni.ictiun, at others derived terrors which it took months to prove imaginary. I have often seen the male children of my friends, in charge of their natural guardians, with heartfelt fi ratitude tor my own freedom f, om such inflictions ; but I have never known, until the experience about to be narrated, how much indeed I had to be thnnktul for. Let our title lack a wearer after our uoule self; let our landed estates descend by entail to the offspring of our hated cousin: but oh, ye stars of nativity, O Juno Matrorw, save me, save me from being- the father of a boy ! Girls are troublesome enough at times." I have no desire to exalt them into immitijated blessin s • I lo k luon them rather as "escapes from hoys:" but they are tender and affectionate, and, by com partson, easily subj ugated. One can drive six-in-hand of them which is exactly the number fallen to my share - harnessed to the domestic chariot easier than a boy in single harness. It is pleasant to see them run willingly up and dowu stairs on messages; and flock to meet one, and take one's bat and gloves, on coming homo from business I am an oldish bird, not easily caught by ehnff, but my little girls can wile almojt anything out of me. I find myself uoin:? with them to the pantomime—which I consider to be a medley of stupid jokes and meaningless noise— at two o'clock m the afternoon when I ought to be in the City ; and 1 have come home in an omnibus so laden with toys upon a Christmas-eve, as to be publicly objected to by fellow-passengers. When one marries after forty, as I did, one is more induced to make a tool of one's self in this way, and the younger the child is, I think the more "power the little darling has over one. My beloved Mabel aged lour and called May for brevity and dearaess, pulled my wig off the other day in the presence of persons of distinction of i»oth sexes, and yet £ had not the heart to scold her. I would certainly have put a boy to death, to slow music, for luntimr that I wore such a thiiW ' # It mis Mabel, I am afraid, who let me in for the juvenile party. « p ap:i , ,l ea r, I want a dudenile tarty," was her ob^rvation one mornino- when She came m, as usual, to superintend my sliaviu"operations; and I, thinking that she meant something to eat, said : "Very well; then you shall have it This concision, made under the greatest misapprehension, was held by the rest of the family, including even the wife of my bosom as a promise; and there was no peace for the present writer until it was fulfilled. I did not 3 l fen * ci * am !l »y Breat apprehensions of the result I_ thought that half-a-dozen little girls would be invited to play for a few hours with our own, and that they would have cake and wine and go away again. I certainly did not anticipate any peisnnal inconvenience from their coming. I intended to arrive at home from the City an hour earlier than ordinary, in order to see the young folks enjoying themselves, and then to dine as comfortably as usual, with my digestion assisted by the consciousness of having' performed a uomestic duty with a good grace. When, therefore, my wife observed at breakfast, upon the Morning- of the festd day: "My love, we must dine at twelve o'clock to-day, if you please," the suggestion toak my breath away. "At twelve o'clock at night or at noon?" inquired I sarcastically. "Well my dear at noon. I know you hate dimng-out of all things, so £ have managed that we shall get dinner-but it will be rather a scramble. And they will be taking the furniture out of both the drawing-rooms, and the schoolroom must be given up For the early tea ; so that we must dine, I am afraid, down stairs in the

"And why not here in the dining-room?" asked I, aghast at these arrangements. ; Why, you dear silly o'd man, of course the dmine-room table will be all set out for sapper long before twelve o'clock ; and as for your •n *° v i lont mean t0 SJl J'i madam, that my study pill not be sacred!" ejaculate I, laying down the Times' newspaper, to part with which, at such a time, no light thing would induce me. Dear papa's 'troly upthide down," observed the intelligent Mabel, who. as usu.u, had taken up her post, in expectation of danities, at mv knee. I rose in alarm, and sought my sanctuary, to behold with my own eyes the extent of the damage. _ The sacred apartment had alreidy been turned into a dressing-room. My desk and papera were thrust into a corner, and their place upon the table occupied by a looking-glass and combs and brushes. The genius of Discomfort had rendered m twenty minutes the snu^est apartment in the house as cheerless as a hahtiresser's back room.

Good Heavens!" cried I, "who is it who demands these sacrifices > Cannot half-a-dozen ot the girls of my friends Jones and Robinson be entertained without all this fu*s ? When we lived m the country, my house was never turned tonsyturvy in this manner."

Becau-e in our country-house there was lots ot room, my love," returned my wife. <■ A juvenile party in London requires a good deal of preparation, and it is necessary to economise our space." « " B 'i !t i? TlnyT Iny doir mi(l » 1 "," expostulated I, you aifti t mean to say that .-ix extra girls however preposterous may be their crinolines requires " — '

"There are more than mx." observed, my wife eententMiKly : "you know you promised Mabel a juvenile party." "How many then, are coming hi /»//?" cvisped I with anxiety. "Tell mo tho worst-that is, the most that are likely to come." "Well, it is impossible to say, some mothers are so stupid about answering invitations ; but we are sure of three-and-thirty at least." "Three-and-thirty little gh ls' coming to-night, madam! What! They're not all girls. Do you

mean to tell me that you hnve asked any horrid boys ?"

" Well, my deaf love, you wouldn't have been so absurd as to aive a juvenile party composed entirely of one sex. The' girls would not enjoy it without the boys." "I am sorry" to hear it," replied I despondiugly. " At what time do they all go away ?" " Now, I do hope you are not going to desert us," exclaimed ray consort, laying her fingers affectionately upon my arm. " We depend upon you for providing amus ment you hi la. The master of the home always does that, lie either 'dresses up'"

" Dresses up !" ejaculated Tin 'tenantry. ' • What do you mean by that, madam ?" " Why, he pretends to be a beggar-man, or a Bengal \l er, or something of that 'sort ; aud if lie doesn't mind running about on all-fours"

." But if he dee* mind, madam," interrupted I with sternness—" if he declines, at his time of life, to expose himself to any description of ridicule, what does he do then 1"

" Well, then, of course, he goes out into the town, aud hires a Conjurer, or a Punch and Judy, or a Magic Lantern. There are lots of shop* which send out these sort of people." " What sort of shops, madam ?" inquired I with the calmness of despair. "I will do anything in reason ; but I never happened to hire a Conjurer in my life."

"The toy-shops, of course; or you may hire one at the Mausoleum— as I saw advertised in the newspaper some time ago -that is a very good place to get one, I should think." " The Mausoleum is shut up," returned I sulkily, " and its dreary entertainments are closed by the bankruptcy of its proprietor." " Yes. but another man has got it now, and you will find what you want there all the same. And now, my love, if you wouldn't mind, perhaps you'll lea\e us to ourselves a little, because we want the room."

''Then you turn me out of the house, in short, do you ? Well, you will not see me back again at twelve o'clock, madam, Ido assure you. I shall take my diuner elsewhere, since a proper meal at home is denied to me."

" There's a darling love," responded my wife, embracing me tenderly. " I knew he would, if it was only properly put before him. For once and away, we really shall get en better without you. You will find us all anxiously waiting for you about four o'clock, and supper will be ready for the grown-up people— after the children have had h-irs— at nine o'clock precisely." " The grown-up people, Mrs P.— why, this is the first time I have heard of them !"

" Well of course, there must be some grown-up people, my dear, unless you prefer to apply for «ome policemen, to keep order. And my uncle Chutney —you know how violent he gets if we don't ask him to every sort of entertainment we give— l was obliged tbsend him an invitation. 1 * " Colonel Chutney at a juvenile party !" ejaculated I, throwing my hands up; "why, he'll be using bad language before the children." " Yes, my love, lam afraid he will ; but, then, fortunately, he always swears in Hindustanee'. Now, don't you be later than four o'clock ; there's a dear man. And here's your hat, and here arc your gloves; and don't forget the Conjurer." Thus was I turned out of my own house, and driven remorselessly to t'.ie Maust'ewn. That place of public amusement has not a cheerful appearance even under the most favorable circumstances, but I thought its Grecian portico never looked so lowering as upon the present occasion. The porter smiled a ghastly smile as I set foot in the entrance-hall, for I was th<? firat pleasureseeker who had darkened its threshold that morning, and informed me that the Experiments connected with the Galvanic Battery were about to commence in the western corridor. Declining to have my spirits further depressed by any such spectacle, I asked, with some magnificence of manner, io see the Proprietor. " I wish," said I, " for a personal interview upon a matter of business."

_ " You ain't aeroing to take the place, are you, sir?" inquired the porter, rubbing his hands'in a propitiatory manner. " I 'aye been here a many years, sir. and 'ope I may stili keep the situation. I could shew you certificates from three-and-twenty as 'aye had the Mausoleum at one time or another."

" I have not a doubt of it, my good man," returned I ; " and each of them, I believe, had a certificate of their own to shew fVorn Mr Commissioner Fonblanque. I am only come about hiring a Conjurer for a Juvenile Party." " 0 dear me, sir," replied the porter, " you will not get anything of that *ort here. We used to be in that way at one time, but we arc working under quite a different system now. We are all for practical science, we aro, and the elevation of the public intellect." " Oh, then, you don't let out a Punch and Judy, nor a Magic Lant m, of course." " O dear, no, sir," cried the porter, looking round suspiciously as though the gigantic pillars of the vestibule themselves had ears. " Oh, pray don't mention no such things as that. If you wanted an Electrifying Machine, or even a Horrery " "Thank you, 1 ' said I, " very much, but I don't think that that would do at all." And I left the melancholy porter watching for a scientific pleasure-seeker, and wandered on upon my dreadful errand elsewhere. Havinpr selected a mammoth toy-shop, where the Noah's Arks in the windows were about the size of the real houses in my own neighborhood, I walked in, and inquired for a magician on hire. " What," said I, "is your usual charge for the loan of a conjurer for an evening .'" " Well, sir," replied the man of toys, "we can let you have a very good one for three guineas." ''That is a great deal of money for tricks," observed I,

" The whole apparatus is included in that sum," remarked the other persuasively, " and the sugarplums he distributes are warranted genuine " " Still," said 1, "I think your conjurer is a little dear."

" We have them of all descriptions." answered the proprietor, in a le>s respectful tone ; "some of them go out so low as ten a^d six." " Those must he professors of a very inferior, kind, I conclude," observed I, wishing him to contra ict me above all things. But the master of the magi only shrugged his shoulders and threw out his hands contemptuously. " I undoistand you," said ; " Iliey would only be just clever enough to steal the spoo;is. ~Now, do you let out a Punch ani Judy?'' "Two, ten, six," responded the proprietor, curly ; or, without the Dog Toby, two guineas." Now, I had heard of the play of " Hamlet," without the Prince of Denmark, but of Punch and Judy without the dog Toby, I had never heard.

"A man with a monster magic lantern would be how much 1 ' inquired I. " A guinea and his expenses," returned the proprietor, less respectfully than ever. " Then let him be at my house by s x o'clock," said f ; and I presented my card of address.

Having made an early dinner with gr°at discomfort at a chop-house, and feeling intensely fatigued with walking about, instead of doing my business as usual in the City, I returned home at about half-past five. I let myself softly in, and passing on tiptoe the drawing room, from which proceeded a tumult of juvenile revelry, I fouud myself safe in my dressing-room, where there is a little bed, on which I determined to take forty winks, to trengthen me for the festivities to follow. I had taken oft' my peruLe, in order that tin's interval of repose miiht be more enjoyable, and was about to put on my dressing-gown, when 1 heard the sudden clapping of a pair of tiny hand?, and a shrill voice, like that of a malignant fairy, observed : " 0 my, if he don't wear a wig !" A diminutive boy, in blue velvet knickerbockers and pink stockings, whom I suspect I had awakened from slumber, was sitting up on the bed, aud staring at me with all his might. " What is your name 1" iuquired I, " you wicked boy, and how dare you come here ? What is your name, I say 1" " Dunno," returned he defiantly." ""What!" cried i; "don't you know your own name 1 Whom do you belong to 1" " Par !" " And why are you lying in my bed with your horrid boots on ?"

" I don't like the people down stairs," responded the imp. " I want my supper." " Why, you have only just had tea, have you not?"

" Tea's nothing. I want my supper, I say." I rushed out of the room, and screamed : "Nutse, nurse!" over the baluiters <19 loud as I could scream.

There was a trampling of many feet, a rustling of many crinolines, and not one nurse, but what seemed to be a legion of them (there were eighteen, I believe, in the house at that moment), enme rushincr up the stairs. I stood upon the landing, holding the strange boy by the collar at arms-length, and demanding that' he should be delivered to his proper guardian. "We don't !>now who has the charge of him, sir," responded the eldest of these ' young persons ' severely; "but anyone of us will be delighted to take to the darling ;" and, indeed, they at once began to kiss and fondle the little creature, who, had ho but been accompanied by a hurdy-gurdy, might have passed for a monkey before a committee of the Zoological Society itself. As he was borne away in a sea of curls and cap-strings, he shrieked out : " That funny old man has left his hair upon the lookiugglass."

Then, for the first time, it pierced me, like a red-hot wire, that I had forgotten my wig. To remain alone with my own reflections after this circumstance was out of tli9 question, and so I descended to the drawing-room This apartment seemed to be filled with Marionettes— little creatures in velvet or white muslin, who seemed to have heen recently bitten by a tarantula. It was no more possible to recognise an individual than any obc dancing-moth in a sunbeam; and after asking one of my own eirlshowhcr father was, I gave up rretendi'ng to any particular acts of civility. Presently, they formed a circle— a charming fairy ring— anil played at a dreadful game called, the Family Pooch, wherein I sustained the part of ' the wheel,' with immense applausp. I had to get up, aud turn completely round about six and twenty times in every minute, and the satisfaction which the boys took in witnessing (he degradation of their senior was quite characteristic. In the midst of one of these revolution';, Colonel Chutney, my wife's uncle, was announced. He has always looked down upon me and my family; but the look of contempt which passed over his copper-coloured countenance at that moment, was absolutely withering. What had become of that creature with the Magic Lantern.

At la<t he camo, with his three-legged stand for the apparatus, with his 'comic and sentimental slides,' with his ' portable sheet, which can be put in any drawing-room, without injury to the most delicate papering.' Then a temporary darkness fell upon us, accompanied by n priceless silence, which lasted nearly half a second, and was atoned for by vociferous raptures, following upon what the exhibitor described as the first ' hoptical Illusion.' The most popular r presentations were, I am afraid, those which Mr Buskin would have found fault with; pictures of gentlemen with elongated chins and exaggerated noses ; and when a bald person of repulsive appearance was introduced, and a shrill voice exclaimed: "There's that funny man asrain, who left his wisr upon the dressing-table," there was a perfect hurricane of applause. Scarcely less embarr ssing was the remark of our own Mabel, who, upon the first appearance of the Flying Cupid, ejaculated with unwonted distinctness: "Poor, poor!* It dot no tothes on."

The performances were slightly marred by the continued appearance of the boy in knickerbockers between the company and the objects represented ; he declined to sit on a chair like other folks, but lay in wait upon the carpet like a wild aninjal, and sprang upon any optical illusion that took his fancy, under.tho impre.«ion that he could grasp it, though he succeeded only in pulling down the sheet. Nobody present even pretended to any authority over him. He had been brought by somebody, with the message that he was "to be left till called for," and a horrible suspicion began to take possession of my mind that I was the victim of a child-dropper. It certainly was only natural that the parent of such a boy should endeavour to get rid of him by any means ; but that he should have dressed him up in blue velvet knickerbockers and pinkstwkimrs, and dropped him for good and all at a juvenile party, was a most unpardonable device. ' Would the workhouse take him in after 8.30, 1 wondered ; or would it be better to <. ive him in charge to the police for obtaining supper under false pretences .' As the evening crew on, his evil cliarneteristics mnlti plied. He clamoured for somethin ■ to eat, and Ind to be taken down stairs and fed before the proper time. This did not prevent him, however, from proceeding with his meal while the others too'^ theirs, or prolonging it when they had concluded. In the meantime. Colonel Chutney, C.8., was inveiffliiug in an unknown tona'ue against all youngr people, and demanding that the grown-up folks, or at all events himself, should not be kept waiting any longer. He refused to give the servants time to re-arrange the

* An expression of pity, and therefore not in use, as I should imagine, among male infants.

table, but sat at the head of it, in front of the turkey, with a carving-knife and fork in his fingers, like a griffin ramptnt. I did not dare occupying that position myself, my whole attention beinj concentrated upon thus hateful boy. He was perpetually jumping up to procure some novel dainty, and broke three plates of our best dinner-service in a stru gle to snatch the flowers out of the ep"rgne. I watched him rove from bonbons to lob3ter-sa!ad with malignant joy.

The front door-bel! had been ringing ceaselessly for half an hour, and troop after troop of little ones had departed, muffled and cloaked, with their faithful domestics, but neither cnb nor carriage, nor nurse nor footman, had come for that boy. He buzzed about in his blue velvet knickerbockers and pink stockings, like some gorgeous tropical iu«ect, inimical to the repose of man ; and when all his contemporaries were gone he returned to the supper-table, and devoured plateful for plateful with Colonel Chutney, C.8., and the grown-up-people. As forme, all appetite had fled with tin; contemplation of him; -.nil I listened for the wheels of his possible chariot with an absorhinganxiety. He had just announced his intention of partaking of brandy and water with Colonel Chutney, C.B. (who never concludes an c eningwithout that grateful medicine), when the long-looked-for ch'iviot c ime. Ido not know whether it was that exact description of carriage; any vehicle sent for that boy, from a costermonger's cart to the state-coach of the lord mayor, would have been equally welcome ; but a female servant of unmistakably " Irish extraction " cuuie with it and demanded Master Duuuo. A little mistake, she said, had occurred, it seemed, as to the number of the house, and she w..s afraid that she had left " the darlin " at the wrong evening party. But she supposed that it didn't much matter; her youug masther had evidently enjoyed himself; and all juvenile •' trates " were pretty much alike.

If they nrc— if they really are— l can only say it is a most fortunate' circumstance that Christmas, with its Juvenile Party, only comes once a year.