Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 626, 28 November 1863, Page 7

Varieties.

Why ure umbrellas like pancakes?— Because they are seldom seen after Lent. " I see through it," as the washerwoman said when ' the bottom fell out. When may a ship be said to be ambitiously in love? — When she is making up to a Pier. The youth who cut open the bellows to see where the wind came from, is now trying his hand at fattening greyhounds. , , "'The dear little things," said an old nurse, of her mistress's twin children ; " one looks so much like both, you can't tell 'tother from which ! " " Haven't you finished scaling that fish yet, Sam ? " •" said a fishmonger to his boy. "No, master, it's a very large one." "' Why you have had time to' scale a ' mountain." " Shakespeare haunts me night and day," said a stage-strutting hero. " That he is so haunted is' not to be wondered at," said a by-stander, "for he has murdored him in everything he has undertaken." ■ " Landlord," saidaseedypedngogue,somewhatgiven to strong libations, " I would like a quantum of spirits, a medium of sugar, in conjunction with a little water; but deal largely in the spirits, thou man of mix- I tures ! "

Home Tooke returned bis income at sixty pounds a year; the commissioners said they were not satisfied. Home Tooke, in reply, stated that he had much more r reason to be dissatisfied with the smaUness of his income than they had. Some elderly gentleman will please inform the public whether the. pain is greater when a man cuts his teeth, or when his teeth cut him ? And whether it fa more disngreable to have no appetite for one's dinner, or no dinner for one's appetite ? >

" I say, PJiil., who is that pretty girl 1 saw you , walking 1 with last Sunday ? " " Miss Hoggea ! " , " IJogges ! well she is to be pitied for having sucli a name," "So I think, Joo," rejoined Phil. : "I pitied » her so much that I oflered.her mine, and sue is trolnir to take it" • - B *

A Frenchman, who had .travelled a good deal in the United State?, being asked how he liked the country, answored, — " Oh, I like zee contree ver mooch — inafa it eez ver funny. Ta my contree zere is.van religion and great many soup ; mate in zls contree zere is onlee vun soup and ver many religion." A wretch named Cooke, who wrote tender verses to his intended on her birthday, was divorced from her a year after marriage. One of tW charges against t him was, that he ate all the delicacies hismother-in-laV-sent to her sick daughter, and drank up all' the beer, the nurse bought for herself.. ' l ' ] A wealthy Arab, residing "near the frontiers of Mo-,; rocco, lately paid his first visit to Algiers, and waspife- ' sent at a ball. On his return home he said to his wives. " What strange ' creatures these French, women aije ! ! Would you believe ?— they "absolutely carry aq open J umbrella under their petticoats ! " Such was the idea formed of crinoline by this son of the Desert. " \ , '[ 1 A wag had kept up a continual fire of witticisms tit ' a social party, when a puritanical gentleman, who en* joyed sermons and smut better than jokes and puns, sharply observed, " If you keep onyou will make every decent person leave the house." (t That would be asoriy ' joke," was the dry reply, " for you would certainly be , very lonesome when left here alone." ' ' a4 «, L Woman's Grief .—A stingy husband. •-..•! Woman's Crowning Glory. — Her bonnet. ~ ;' A true Picture of Despair. — A pig reaching through • a hole in the fence to get at a, cabbage that lies a lew inches beyond his reacn. iV „ ;iCI - Grammatical 1 Joking.— c What is,,lhe reason of a blow leaving a blue mark - after : it 1" \ asked Sa Im»' quiring young man of -a medical student. ' "It'a easily accounted for,** was th.c reply*; * f for yew know that blmo in the perfect makes blem."^ ,' ' • h \ s ,. Quaker Courtship.— An amorous Quaker? happily dosed his courtship by an assent given in consequence : " of a mistaken meaning. In offering all the tempting future arrangements in his power, he said' to, his darling, " Wilt thou have a shay and a 1 cottage or najtt 1 * (om4e). "Yea," sighed the clpse-cappaTfairv '"'"', ' " Qim versus Strawberries;- 1 - At a debatingvs««fotyr " the other day the anhjttot.- wna ;^- << Wftffl 1 / frffiffifK. * sweetest production, a girl or a sfewiiel^tyT^'jiufii^'^ continuing the argument tor Iwq njgh^^ the?me«"tto|^;' ; finally adjourned without coming* to a concluslMi^Cj^:; old ones, going in for the strawberries, and th*tvpij|£f {,