Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 620, 16 October 1863, Page 7

Varieties.

Why may carpenters reasonably believe there is no such thing as stone ? Because they never saw it. A wag *ay 3of a woman— To her virtue wa give love; to her beauty admiration ; to her hoops tho whole pavement.

• Sir, I will make you feel the arrows of my resentment.' «Ah, Miws, why should I fear your arrows when you never had a beau 1 The most tender-hearted man we ever head of was a shoemaker, who always shut his eyes and whistled when he ran his awl into a sole. Cowper says that ' ths tear that is wiped with address nifty he followed, perhaps, by a smils. 1 If it is a womau»a tear, the perhaps is unnecessary ; you can dry it with a ilre.<s. f How we'l he plays for one so young,' says Mrs P.irtington, as the organ boy performed with the monkey near the door 1 ; 'and how much his little biother looks like him to be sure !'

A young Ldy engaged to be married, and getting sick of the bargain, app'iod to a friend to help her to untie the knot bsfore it was too late. ' Oh, cerfmnly,' he replied ; 'tis very easy to untie it now. while 'tis only a besu knot.' * If I keep on dyeina: my whiskers they'll draft me for unuer foity-five,' saW a perplexed American ; and if I leuve off dyeing 'em, Folly won't have me. Anyhow, I calculate I'm in a tarnation fix, for I hale fighting, and oan't give up Polh .' A pair of sweet lips, a pressure ot two delicate ha-Jds, and a pink waist ribbon ,wi!l do as much to unhinge a sensitive man as three fsvers, the measles, the whooping c m K h, a pair of lock-jaws, several hydropbubus, and the doctor's bill.

At a court-martial lately, the following dialogue is said to hive taken place between one of the witness^ and the court :— 'Are you a catholic V—- No, , sir '— Are iou a proteetaut V- f No, air.'—* What are you then V - ' Captain of the fbrctop.' # , After one of the last operations of a celebrated surgeon, the resident student stood looking at the two pieces of mortality lying on the surgeon's table. 'What are you doing, sir]' sharply asked the surgeon. 't was waiting for you to point out whicn piece is to be pH to bed and whivh is to be buried.* A gentleman having engaged a bricklayer to make some repairs in his cellar, ordered tha ale to be removed before the bricklayer commenced hia work. Oh, lam not afraid of a barrel of alo, sir,* said the man. 'I presume not,' said the gentleman ; bn^w, think a barrel oi ale would ruu at your approa^KUii Tuat was a shrewd girl, who, though not devatfgHn true modesty either, remarked, when other jrirls WSr^ making fun of her short skirts and white hoae, and affecting to be much shocked at the exhibition thereof at a party, 'If you'd only pull up your dresses about your necks, where they ought to be, they'd be aa short as mine ! She was not troubled any more. v iS? ntln tIe rr m™.vhoha-lm ™.vhoha-l been partaking of tha hos* Pitahties of a iiariner's house, heard his host asy ona day that he should lika to taste turtle, as h,O supposed it was very goo J. His guest, on returning to, town, sent him a turtle, and heard many months. afterwards that the present was nob productive of satisfaction: tor, said the farmer, «we hoilol un in the copper, wi cabbage, for a nutter a' seven hours, and then ha warn'tdoue!'

A celebrated Parisian dandy was ordered by hia physicians to follow a course of sea bathiug at Dieppe' Arrived at that delightfufbathing town, ho ordered a machine and attendant, and wont baldly into th© water. He plunped in bravely ; but, in an instant after, came up puffing aud blowing, ' Fraoots,' said he, • theses smails detestably: it will poison me. Tnrow a little eau de Cologne iato the water, or I shall be suffocate I , • ' Doctor, that ere ratsbane of yourn is fiist-rate ' said a Yankee^ to a village, apothecary, • KnqwM it! know'd it!' said the pleased vender of drug*, "* « Don't kesp nothing but first rate' doctor's stuff.'—' 'And doctor,' said the joker, cootty, « I "want -to bo* another pound of ye.'— ' Another pound !'- 4 Yes. sir? I gra that pound! tawhUha other 'day to "a nib.* blrag mouse and it made him dreadful sick, and I am sure another pound would kill him!' , A Scotqli 1 pedestrian, attacked.' by three hkhwaymen, defended himself w^g^ab courage aad obBtinacy,butwasat f lcnrtlt'ov€rpowe^d r aiul fija pockets rifled.- Thq rubbers expected,^from the extraordinary resisfcnce they h«4.. experienced, to lay Wir bands oa some riah-bo6fy,buj were riot a liltla " WBWTto taootor that ii^.; whble tnatnra:, vbiaf tte sturdy Caledonian had been defeudmK th«hazard of hjs hfej insisted pf no mow than $ tesooke* '"IT^Pt ?» iißi i 8 W< sai4, oat of tht 1 ,if he hai had.c ahteeu beuofc I suppose ha wo^d 3 Jja Iv^Hilfea^heMiiq]eqfuso''-^1 v^Hilfea^heMiiq]eqfuso''-^ -> - ~~ .--?fix^^:C o^4« "^B^^ W' taxes' ' ,;,- , / A-QueaUqn fpj '.SlOde^'^-AtsourbJqTKle^autfes ' the paleof-feQa^.t _,i- v '-.' "" -. ,'',V< befceceabva than the: \VjßfeK iS, beoausa,thewr prefer ashajdarbek toftlfcate^ - -'-•"-■? « Vs^ "-C'^J.t^K'*Omisa ,and r ßffect % — Tbe; young 4ad>.^ftg^el6p«d-;-some iaontha sihoe with a c g^ant maidri^haav feiMi#