Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 569, 24 October 1862, Page 7

Varieties.

\ letor llu^o, in ' Le3 MUerahles,' thin speaks of a beautiful blonde with white teeth .— " She had bold and pearls for h.r fortune ; but her gold was uuun her heaJ, and her peirU were in hor mouth." Some women take. such n delight in scolding, that it would be umel not to give them occasion for it. Which is the best way to keep a woman's love ? Never to return it.

When does a man d\o for love 1 When he turns his red whiskers brown.

When does a candle resemble a tombstone 1 When it is {.et up for a late husband. Many a nvm derives all his firmness and strength from his wife ; she is not only his rib, but his backbone.

" It is wrong to tike snuff " said a Yankee plulosopher. " for it teaclws the nose a bad habit, aud a man is sure to follow his nose."

A railer against raurringc thinks that the creation of women was simply the change of a boae in a maa'u side to a thorn. There are some ideas that seem. like rain drops, to fall upon a man's head ; the head itself having nothing to do with the matter.

It is exceedingly bad husbandry to harrow up the feelings of your wife, to rake up old quarrels, to hoe ' (owe) a grudge, and to sow discord. Not a Bad Reason Wh>\ — Boy (consumptive curate wearing a respirator) ;— " Lor, faither, the doctor's been and put a miuzle on the new curate to keep him from kissing hii dorter!" When is a bad loss not a bad loss ]— When its made good.

When is an ox uot auox 1 -When it is turned into a meadow.

"All's well that ends well," said the monkey, contemplating his beautiful tail. When may an American Indian be said to be out of sorts ! — When hi* torn-h awks oufc of order. Mrs Partington, on reading an account of a schooner having her jibboom carried away on Long Island sound, one night last week, wondered "why peopla should leave such thing 3 out of doors at night, to be stolen, where there were so many buglew about filtering everything they could lay their hand* to."

What invitation would be dangerous and disloyalto a soldier 1 ? One asking him to dinner and desert. Sir William, a pompous sort ofa man, heing at a parish meeting, made some proposals whicli were objected to by a farmer, " Sir do yon know that I have been in two universities ]" " Well, sir," said the farmer, " what of that 1 I had a calf that sucked two cows; and the observation i made was, the more he sucked the greater calf he grew." Pat's mode of avoiding Mosquitoes — H« hangs a lace net entirely over hi* bed, pßts inside of it himself, cuts a little hole in it just big enough to admit one varmint at a time, makes them believe he is asleep, and when the whole troop, pioneers and all, get through. Pab stops up the hole with a piece of putty, creeps carefully out under the bar, and sleeps undisturbed for the remainder of the night- upon the floor !''

John was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and the miller said, " John, some people say you are a fool ! Now, tell me what you do know." " Well," replied John, "I know miilera' hogs are fat !"' " Yes, that's well John ! Now what don't you know?''. I don't know whose corn fate 'em,"

A man with a long bead is not very apt to be headloni?.

Why is an infant like a diamond 1 Because it is a deir little thing-. Two Irishmen in crossing a field, came in contact with a donkey who was making "day hideous with his unearthly braying." Jemmy stood a moment in astonishment, but turned to Pat, who seemed as much enraptured with the song as himself, remarked, " It's a fine large ear that bird hns got for music, Pat, bat sure he's got an awful cowld " " They don't know how to dross sheep now-a-days," said an old gentleman that was favoured with more money than education. " It's no use to talk about your baccy water or Fanner's Friend ; I tell you there ain't nothing like a gross of suppliments." IThe allusion was understood to have beeu to corrosive sublimate.

Franklin, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the French, said to him, " But grandpupn, you always applauded the loudest when they were praising you !" Franklin laughed heartily, and explained the matter.

At Wakeneld, a witness was asked if he was a hus« bandniau, when he hesitated fro a moment, then coolly replied, amid rbe laughter of the Court, " No, sir. I'se not married.

The editor of a provincial paper talks about his frame of mind. A contemporary suggests that ho may have the frame of one, but that is all. A lady reporter made her appearance the other day at a religious meeting, and took notes for publication. A curious return, compiled by the constabulary, and moved for in Parliament by Mr. Bagwell, state's thnt in year 1861 it is supposed that no less than 8,897 sheep were killed by doap in Ireland ; 2,890 in Donegal alone.

There has hitherto but one known autograph of the poet Spenser— a signature to a deed which is retained in the British Museum.. An entire'letter of several pages ha* just been discovered at the Record Office, as well aa five documents signed by the poet as Ulerk to the Council in Ireland.

The fashionable dinner hour in London is getting later and later every year. It 13 not unusual at present for persons to sit down to dine at nine o'clock in the evening. As a consequence the performances at the opera-houses are commenced later, and on Saturday night the opera at Her Majesty's Theatre began At half-past eight, and ended at half -past one on Sunday morning. Painting.- -"She isn'tall thatfancy paintedher V bitterly exclaimen a rejected lover ; "and worse than, that, she isn't all that sho paints herself." All of us who are worth anything spend our manhood in unlearning the follies, or expiating the mia« takes of our youth.

*' Mr Smith, I wish to speak to you privately. Permit me to take you apart a few moments." Smith (who wasn't the least frightened)—" Certainly, sir, if you promise to put me together again." An exchange— soys another exchange— comes to ns with the notice that " Truth is crowded out of this issue." This is almost as bad as the up-country editor, who said, " For the evil effects of intoxieatinff drink, see our inside."

An affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the 75th regiment, in order to be near his brother, who was * corporahn the 76th. It was an imaginative reply of an old woman, who waa describing the wretched state of her condition, in a miserable ho^el,.that the mice ran about with tears in their eyes, because they could find nothing to eat. , ° Professor Person beinaf once at a dinner party, where the conversation turned upon Cant. Cook, ana Bis celebrated, royages round the world, an igporani person, in order to contribute his mite towards th«£ social intercourse, asked him— "Pray, was Cook killed on his first voyage?"' " I believe he wad," ; answered Porson, " though he did not mind, it' mueai ?)t for he immediately entered^onjft second." •' - .-|vl^ ; " A fashionable Irish gentletntin drj,vingt,*a goodt&e&fc3|| about Cheltenham,., was obsß|^l'ttf-haf& the ,nofcy«^lffi graceful habit of loWinghUpJ^ngueout^^.-he.^eiKli^ along. Ourran, who was theft), was asjijedf'jra&f^eA 1?thought could be hi3Couhtipymah^.in6t{mfoEiß|finfe% % the instrument of-eloqu&nce B<tcti an!^iraffi^QifflfPl^ i Wid. h\ « m trying ft ojitcfe ft* Jfcgli^ «o#|Q?^