Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 554, 12 July 1862, Page 7

Varieties.

"I suppose," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of a patient who had reluctantly submitted to solicit his advice, " I suppose you think me a bit of a humbug]" "Sir," gravely replied the sick man, "I was not aware until now that you could so readily discover a man's thoughts by feeling his pulse." D'Alembert says there are two things that can reach the summit of a pyramid, an eagle and a reptile ; so it appears there are but two characters in this world that can gain the highest pinnacle of notoriety, the good man and the villian, the saint and the devil ; one on the wir.g^ of genius and inspiration, the other by meanness and subtlety.

A Mussulman's Notion op Crinoline.— A German journal relates the following anecdote, on the authority of a traveller recently returned from Africa:— "A wealthy Arab, residing near the fron- ' tiers of Morocco, lately paid his first visit to Algiers, and was present at a ball. On his return home, he said to his wives, 'What strange creatures these Frenchwomen are ! Would you believe it % thej absolutely enrry an open umbrella under their petticoats !'" Such was the idea formed of crinoline by this son of Mahomnied.

" Do you keep matches?" asked a wag of a country grocer. " Oh, yes, all kinds," was the reply. " Well, I'll take a trotting match," said the wag. The grocer handed him a box of pills. Parrots are largely gifted with the faculty called by phrenologists "love of praise," and are in no slight degree incited by self e3teem ; so that it is possible to induce the bird to perform the oddest feats by carefully working on these two propensities. They have an almost morbid love of being noticed, and crave for words of praise with as much apDreciation as if they could understand their import. You can throw 'one parrot into a very passion of jealousy by pretending not to hear it, and talking to another bird . The newest Yankee notion is a machine by which a man can tell when he has been sufficiently drunk. It 13 called a fuddleometer, and it operates by giving a fellow a sharp punch in the ribs the moment he has got drink enough in his skin. A woman at Sydenham put her baby in the washing tub, and its dirty frock "and petticoat into the cradle, and set her little boy to rook it. She did not discover her mistake until the baby cried when she pinned its left leg to the line as she hung it out to dry. A romancing traveller was talking of a church fie had seen in Spain a mile and a-half long. "Bless me," said Garrick, " how broad was it 1" " About ten yards," was the reply. " This is, you'll observe, gentleman," said Garrick to the company. " not a round lie, but differs from his other stories, which are generally as broad as they are long." If you have a cough don't go to church to disturb the rest of the congregation. We are never satisfied that a lady understands a kiss unless we have it from her own mouth.

A late traveller says that it is so cold in the northern part of Greenland, that it freezes the fire out. Why is the assessor of taxas tho best man in the world? Because he never " underrates" anybody.

'If a petticoat government is not more oppressive now than formerly, it is certainly double in extent. Most True. — "This is capital ale — see how long it keeps its head!"— '' Ay, but consider how soon it takes away youre." All fruit trees have military propensities. When young they are Avell trained, they produse many kernels, and their shoots are very straight. A coachmaker, remarking the lashionable stages or carriages, said — " That a sociable was all the ton during the honeymoon, and a sulky after." Among the conditions of sale by an Irish auctioneer Avas the following :— " The highest bidder to be the purchaser, unless some gentleman bids more." There Is a farmer in Putnam county, New York, who has a mile of children. His name is Furlong, and he has eight boys and girls. Eight Furlongs one mile !

A young* officer of the Lord Verisopht school, re« cently went to DruTy-lano to see the great tragedian, Charles Kean. in " Hamlet." It was the first time he had seen that noble tragedy, and on being asked how he liked it, he said — " HaAV ! it' 3 a very clever play ; but I think it's Joo full of quotations!" A Parisian, who had for thirty years been borrowing books and returning none, was showing hiß library to a friend, who complimented him on the extensive collection he had got together. "At my death," said he, " I will bequeath it, not to my heirs, but to the Bibliotheque Royale." " Quite right, 1 ' said hia friend; "you will show yourself a true friend of literature, whose principle is that his books belong to the world."

Height of Sympathy — When a crew of whalers cry because they see whales' blubber. "Jack," said a man to a ladju3t entering his teens, " your father is drowned." " Darn it, he's got my knife in his pocket !" said the young hopeful. When you discover an owl on a tree, and find that it is looking at you, all you have to do is to move quickly round the tree seA'eral times, when Ihe owl in the meantime, whose attentiou AAnll be firmly fixed, forgetting the necessity of turning its body with its head, will follow your motions with its eyes till it wrings its head off. Pit words are better than fine one*.

As perfume is to the rose, so is good-nature to the lovely. 111-nature renders the prettiest face very disagreeable. A Good Scoich Pun. — At the meeting at Errol on Wednesday night, the Rev. Dr. Grierson related a story of a capital Scotch pun. Two gentlemen lad been fishing for salmon with the " lei3ter'' — a kind of three-pronged spear — in one of the salmon rivers in the south of Scotland, when one of them having speared a fish, drew it from the water, and holding it on high, apotrophised it thus, " Ana noo, Mr. Salmon, what think ye o' yersel' 1" The other gentleman, an inveterate punster, remarked, " I suppose he will say, * I'm nane the better for your spear-in." — Dundee Advertiser.

" Under the Rose."— This phrase, implying strict secrecy, is thus explained in the British Apollo, p. 320:— " You must knoAV, sir, the rose was an emblem of old, Whose leaves by their closeness taught secrets to hold ; And 'twas thence it was planted o'er tables so oft As a warning, lest when a frankness men scoft At their neighbor, their lord, their fat priest, or their nation, Some amongst 'em, next day, snould betray conversation." " I swear, by those blue eyes and red lips, that I love you P. said a modern Romeo to his Juliet. — " And if my eyes were red, and my lips blue, would you love me still V asked tho lady. The gentleman slunk away abashed. Poetry is the flour of literature—prose isthe corn, potatoes, and meat ; satire is the Jaquaiortis ; wit is the spice and pepper ; love-letters are the honey and sugar; and letters containing remittances, are the apple dumplings. Why is a fine Avoman like a locomotive 1 Because she draAvs a train after her, scatters the sparkß, transports the mails, makes us forget time and space. She says to the tender, pine (k) not ; and wherever she goes you see the plain passed over. "My father had Ms pocket picked of hia pocket book full of memorandums, letters, and other papers, of no use but to the owner ; and a hundred pound note oeside. What do you think he did as stfon as he found out his loss ?" " Went to Bow-street, perhaps, said Lord Tom. " " No." 4 ' Stepped to tne'ibank and stopped it." " Couldn't— didn't know the'nlßttbe?,? " Caught the thief, then." " JNTo," said Tuck, "not & bit of it. The minute he found he lost lh k? UJ** me.dia.tejy veqt home, ajjd got a^Qthfr,'* r